Weird dream

I seriously cannot get the dream I had out of my head. So I was at dad's house, except it wasn't dad's house, it was an entirely different house and an entire different neighborhood. He wasn't mean, he was sinister. I walked in on him tearing Ethan's arm off with this machine and then I fled to a house like five houses down and three over before banging on the door and storming in (luckily she saw the alarm on my face and let me in). After telling her what happened she said I could stay with her. The rest of the night I heard dad's car racing up and down the streets, probably looking for me. The next day we Called the police over and over but we were always on hold. That was the worst part. The fact that the police, even, had us on hold. Eventually we set out to the police station but when we told them what happened they didn't listen and wouldn't really care. Eventually we went to the mall, I don't even know why, but we ran into my mom there (dad and mom were still separated but I think they lived even farther apart than before), and told her what happened, and then I stayed with my mom and the neighbor girl left. Unfortunately, we ran into dad at the mall, and Ethan, with only one arm. His long sleeve on the other side was limp. He didn't look happy. I felt like crying then, even though I was asleep. It was weird. We ran from him again but he didn't chase us, and we went to macys. There was a security guard there and we tried telling her that my dad was crazy and trying to kill me but she didn't listen either. When we left macys he was still there and this time tried to take me but I ran away and this time he did chase me. Eventually he stopped and I stopped some paces down, starting to tell him off. Weird. I said something about how he had cut Ethan's arm off and how he attacked mom, even though how did that part get in the dream? It was so weird, I'm telling you. Eventually he tried tossing at me but I ran again, this time to the parking lot, and mom was behind me I think, she was, but she wasn't, because when I got to ther parking lot I wasn't in my moms car I was sin the neighbors car, with her, again. I didn't want to be, though. I wanted my mom, but she drove off, and I don't think I saw my mom again in the dream. I think maybe that's why I was crying so hard. I cried in the dream. A lot. Ugh. I just wish I could get it out of my head.

Christmas

Alright so it's four days after Christmas. Feels more like two, bit anyway, it was amazing! I got a pink & white 3DS xl, Animal crossing New Leaf, money from grandma, shit tons of clothes ( THAT I CAN'T WAIT TO WEAR ), a bracelet, a little new jewelry, and AN IPAD AIR! :D the ipad was an entire surprise, another reason why I liked it so much. I just bought a case for it today :)

Dear Mom,

Sometimes it's you. I understand when it's stupid things like a new skirt or miscellaneous bullshit that I don't really need, but you're even mad about paying for lunch money or the act or sat or college applications and that's what pisses me off. That shouldn't make you mad. If something i need for my education costs a little extra please just don't be upset over it. My biggest wish is for my family to be financially fucking care free. I could write i fucking check for college and if i wanted that coach bag four years ago i would have fucking gotten it. I'm sorry these things cost money. They shouldn't clst anything. Those fuckers complain about adults being stupid and working at fast food restaurants but the same cunts are raising their tuitions to seventy four a fucking year it makes me so fucking pissed. If i ever get famous and rich i swear I'll make it up to you but all I'm saying is that sometimes... Most times, i get mad whenever you're mad. Your happiness and well being fuels me more than anything else on earth. I wish you knew that.

For the Cute One In My Head,

I'd very much like it if we were in art class and in the midst of painting a portrait of Princess Diana Of Wales you'd look over at me thoughtfully, and I'd look back as if to say 'what is it?' Just as tornado sirens would suddenly blare loudly from outside. There's a tornado in the field, clear as day, and everyone freaks out and forgets the rules, flees the room. We're the last two in the room and the tornado is so close now that a selfish classmate locks us in the room, just as the several glass windows break, and we go to the art closet, dull and dark, and lock ourselves in because there's nowhere else to go. And in the closet we'd be so scared shitless that we'd confess everything, greatest fears, regrets, desires, etc. and as time went on we'd forget about the tornado, and we'd be so happy that we'd start to float above our dead bodies in the rubble of the school, back to heaven, and we'd both be angels, and we'd be best friends, and nothing would ever bring us down again. No tornadoes, no regrets, no hate.

I just don't think you care as much as you say you do. It's impossible. When every time I try to get you up for something you give me a shit-load of attitude, and whenever I tell you to do something you should have already done anyway you act like it's the hardest thing in the world, most times you talk to me like you hate me and even when you do come in my room occasionally you always leave mad at me about something. Fuck you. I think you're full of shit. I think you're still trying to make mom think that I'm the bad person in nearly every situation, just like you have since you were five years old or some shit. it was always "Alyssa doesn't love me" or "Alyssa loves her friends more." IT'S HARD TO LOVE SOMEBODY WHO ACTS LIKE YOU DO. I love you, you bag of shit, I just don't like you. I don't like your character. You lie a lot, and you're a slob, and you don't take advice when others try to help you. Forgive me for not wanting to be around somebody who constantly tried to make my own mother think I'm a bitch behind my back. I hate that shit. If you have something to say about me say it to my face. 

No Counseling? I don't like it.

I didn't have counseling this week. It's weird, I didn't realize it was working as much as it was, because it feels like something's missing. Everything's harder without my counselor explaining it. Family, school, college, idk. I'm eager for my next visit, actually. I hope I can still be in counseling when I go to college...