Scared and Worried

What if nothing works out? I'm so terrified that I'll never be successful. I don't know what to do.

Feelsy rap

I wonder what you're doing and I'm sad that it's not me.

I wanna hang out but I know that you're not free.

I've never been a first choice for you or anybody else

But maybe one day I don't now, you just might pull through?

I'm in a fat fairy tale made of whale blubber, hell

You've got me wrapped me 'round your finger all tight,

And well, maybe if I wish harder

I'll get a little bit farther

From being just a friend,

"Sister from another father"

But why bother?

Old poem from October 29 2014

I feel like a river run dry

Fish dying

Fisherman crying

Civilians dying

Or a dead game boy

Spitting up battery acid

Or a dead rabbit,

Chest flaccid.

It is hard feeling

Like this, stomach reeling

I can't believe what I'm seeing

I look in the mirror, but my reflection,

A vase of flowers unerect and

I'm so used to seeing a variety

Of wild flowers thriving inside of me...

But lately I feel like a still sea

And I long impatiently for the old me.

Better

I want to be different when I wake up. I want to be wiser. I'm going to be wiser. I promise. I'm going to be less emotional. I won't take things out of proportion. I'll be less clingy. I won't be as annoying. I'll be better. 

What do I do?

I really hate being alone, haha. It's so hard to connect with people nowadays. I feel a little dead honestly. All I've been listening to lately has been either sad acoustic music or angsty pop punk. What do I do?

Lonely

I feel unbearably lonely right now. I wish I had someone just for me. :(

I wouldn't be able to handle it.

You're not supposed to make me feel like this. I need to go  home so I can spend time away from you. Try to visit some friends. I'm sorry. I can't let myself have feelings for you. I just can't.

Things I Want You To Say To Me

"Hey beautiful."
"There's starlight in your eyes."
"That's my girl."
"I love you babe."
"I miss you."
"This reminded me of you."
"Be careful."
"Be safe."
"Call me when you get there."
"You'd look amazing in this."
"I love your eyes."
"How do you do that? You're so beautiful."
"I miss you whenever you're not around, I just wanted to let you know."
"You'd totally love this band."
"I had a dream about you last night."
"You're my baby girl."
"Here?"
"There?"
"Can I play with your hair?"
"I bought you some new lingerie."
"I set up something special for us tonight."
"Put this on."
"Close your eyes."
"I want you."
"Kiss me."

Angry

I want to be the first and last thing on your mind and it kills me that I'm not. 

I want to be the reason you're happy. 

I wish I meant more to you. 

I feel so insignificant. 

This may sound selfish but I 

just want to be more to you. 

Sorry

Oh my God

I don't know what this is.

I love you, but I also love you.

I want to be your best friend,

But part of me wants to be your girlfriend

And I hate this because I know

You'd never leave her...

Jesus....

It's Muse freshman year all over again....

You

I'm used to your arms around me

And now I hold my own arms when I sleep

I miss the small things that had slipped my mind before.

Like in the sun your eyes turn from brown to gold

And when I'm around you I don't feel so old

I still see myself as just a stupid kid,

But they want me to grow up

And they made me get a car

When I made it into college,

My dad said "kid you're going far",

But What if I'm not ready?

I still need a bit more time

I feel like I'm going crazy

Trying to keep up and survive.

We went to different colleges

And even though you had said

You'd wait for me, I knew it was a lie

Because, oh how could you deny

A shy brunette with dark jade eyes?

I wish I could have realized 

before it was too late 

and cleaned the slate,

I should have slammed the brakes;

And switched you from people to talk about,

To people to do without...

But they want me to grow up

And they made me get a car

When I made it into college,

My dad said "kid you're going far",

But What if I'm not ready?

I still need a bit more time

I feel like I'm going crazy

Trying to keep up and survive.

I've got a roommate,

And I've made some friends,

But sleeping in a dorm room

Isn't sleeping in my bed

And I pretend that I don't care

That you're fine without me

But I'm torn up about you so much that I can't even sleep...

But they want me to grow up

And they made me get a car

When I made it into college,

My dad said "kid you're going far",

But What if I'm not ready?

I still need a bit more time

I feel like I'm going crazy

Without you by my side.

I feel like I'm going crazy without you by my side.

I still need you to make me feel alive.