Dad

All you know how to do is make people feel bad for existing.
I blame you for my flashbacks and for why I'm passive aggressive.
I grew up being afraid to stand up for myself because of you.
I needed you to be different.
I always preach about how much I hate those kids that blame their parents for turning them into who they are
But I'm so fucking mad at you.
I'm just so fucking mad.

Figuring Things Out

Things are turning out a little better this semester. Well... only  little better. I've worked out some stuff, like the fact that I may be transferring to SIUE next year because I'm not necessarily as happy at siuc as I'd like to be. However, I decided that if something really great opens up for me here, like an internship or a job or... a boyfriend, then I may actually stay. It all depends on what happens.

Tired

I'm tired.

I'm tired of my roommate. 

I'm tired of most my friends.

College is depressing.

Class makes me want to cry.

The walking makes me want to stab myself

I'm tired of school.

I'm tired of my friends

I'm tired of everything.

I want to be free.

I'm tired of being told what to do

What to write

What to do.

I'm tired of homework.

I'm tired of shitty teachers

I'm tired of mean people

Sarcastic remarks

Textbook prices.

I'm tired of small towns

Walmart runs in small car

Tension in a small room

I'm tired of coming back from class

Wanting to scream

Wanting to cry

Wanting to go home.

I'm tired of feeling there's no way out.

Tired of "mandatory"

Tired of echoing bathrooms

Not being able to cry in the shower

I hate it here.

I hate it all.

I'm tired of hating my life.

...

I'm angry at all of you. I'm angry you don't take me seriously. None of you do. That's why I like my friends at home more. At least they take me seriously. Sometimes i literally feel like you guys think my feelings are invalid. If you thought anything of them, you'd respect them and not laugh almost everytime I speak my mind. Sometimes I wish I had other friends so I could blow you guys off and make you feel bad. Make you wonder why I ditched you. Maybe then you'd treat me better. I don't know. Maybe not.

College

Winter break is over and once again I'm in my narrow bed in a hot dorm room drowning in my anxiety. Talking to my mom in the car on the way here helped. I realized I'm tired of school, and thats okay, but I have to make it through, because in the end it'll be worth it. 

Indie

The last thing I need is you telling me to let go of her because she needs me more than she fucking realizes it, alright? And it's okay that she needs me. Don't make this about you. I can handle my own problems. I love you, but I loved her first.

Nova

Why am I still putting up with you? Even I don't know, honestly. I want your friendship. I don't want your petty issues that you try so hard to inflate into everyone else's personal lives. I don't want your bitchy social media fits. I don't want your fake ghetto voice that you think you pull off well. I want Nova. The girl with braces and awkward hair that became my friend in middle school when nobody else would. Where the fuck is she?

Mom

I don't want to leave. Sometimes I feel like college is waste of time, but you deserve a smart daughter who graduates from college. You deserve a daughter you can brag about. Right now I'm not. I haven't been yet. Sometimes I feel like graduating college is the only way to do it.

M

Please don't turn into one of them.

I want to leave my body so it can stop reminding me of everything i can't do and everything I'm doing wrong.

M

And now, whenever my phone glows I hope it's you.

Tease

There are times I think I may be about to feel happy. I realize something small and a smile creeps on my face, but nine times out of ten, it's only the equivalent of when you try to light a cigar in the winter, and you think it's lit, but you still can't get a smooth drag. Oh, happiness. You're such a tease.

Meh

I'm so confused. I don't know how to feel. Why do I always end up liking the ones I can't have?

On anither subject, I met Michael's kids yesterday! Michael is my mom's boyfriend. He's really cool! And his kids are funny and we have a lot of similar interests. I'm excited to get to know them all a lot better! I hope.... I just hope everything works out this time...

Surreal

Is life even a real thing? I feel like I'm floating all the time honestly. Everyone else is real and I'm in the snow globe. I wonder who'll shake me up next?