Raw

My Mother and brother are beyond concerned with my sister's well being. They tell me not to be so hard on her, and they tell me that she cries at night. They say she's not doing well. They say she's fragile. I wish they'd realize that I already fucking know.

What gets to me is that they don't know I'm going through the same thing.
They don't know that I've stayed up till 4 crying nearly every single fucking night.
They don't know I don't vent to them because I don't feel like I have the right to complain. I feel pathetic and worthless. 

I feel like I don't matter. I feel like nobody cares about me. I'm constantly plagued with the thought that all my friends secretly hate me. I'm plagued with the thought that nobody's ever going to help me. I have severe anxiety and feel entirely uncomfortable talking to people, even people I know and are close to at times. I haven't been truly happy for years, it seems. I'm constantly daydreaming about how my life will turn out if I really do end up a failure. I constantly picture my friends leaving me, and so many already have. I constantly picture my family throwing harsh remarks at me. I constantly feel like there's not shit I can do about it.

And I keep that hidden because I feel I don't deserve to complain, and I feel like that because of my self esteem issues. Where's my fucking help? My recognition? The fucking guilt trips and the "oh please help, my daughter's depressed?" 

It fucking doesn't.

Senior Year

Today I registered for my senior year of highschool.
All the teachers kept asking me if I was excited.

"No."
"Not really."
"Nope."

I have a good idea of what's going to happen this year and That's nothing to be excited about. Today was a good day overall. I lost my A+ papers and I was really upset, but apparently I can just have Mrs Bird (The teacher I helped) resign on a different sheet. And I had no fines, even though I had a textbook with me that wasn't turned in, which was nice. I paid for my yearbook. Mom was really upset about the papers though, plus because at first I'd forgotten the text book.
She yelled a lot, like, I nearly hyperventilated. Ugh. That would have sucked.
I'm also trying to work out again because I'm most definitely gaining all that school year weight back. Ugh. I wish I could be 100lbs for all eternity.

Not enough

Every time I weigh myself I brace myself for the never ending feeling of not being small enough. At the end of the school year I was 114 lbs, and by the middle of summer I dropped 9 pounds to 105. I was ecstatic, and stopped paying attention to what I ate as much because I'd tell myself 'it's summer!', or, I lost 9 pounds, I deserve a treat. Now I'm 109 and I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. All I've ever wanted was to be skinny. It's my goal, I want a flat stomach like models and a thigh gap and all that sad shit people say I shouldn't worry about but I do because I can't fucking help it. I used to be skinny. I used to be underweight because as a kid I had an eating disorder and nearly everything I ate came right back up. I lived my childhood believing I would always be skinny and that isn't the case. While I still have a small frame I have this annoying stomach and I swear if I could just cut it off I would in a fucking heartbeat. Fucking Dave Franco could tell me I looked great and I'd still think I looked like shit because I hate what my image is now. I'm tired of passing mirrors and tearing up. Cringing. Sighing. I want to be skinny and perfect more than anything in the world. Anything. I just don't want to end up doing anything harmful to get there.

So like,

I was watching 'New Girl', and I got to episode 6 or whatevs with Jess' new boyfriend, (Who btw was the main character in Jeepers Creepers, I know that face from anywhere) and I think I'm obsessed! It's seriously so relatable, and I love Jess' awkwardness, she reminds me so much of myself... well... whenever I'm not trying to be somebody I'm not or fit in, haha. Also, I love the way she dresses, I wish I could live in her wardrobe, haha. ♡♡♡♡

Shopping!

So I went shopping today. It was really fun, although my feet payed the price. I got this striped Michael Kors Shirt from Macys on sale for $24, & two 'Kensie' sweaters from Macy's as well. They're really cute, I love them! I also went to H&M and got a violet sweater on sale for $5, and this rad hat that says 'HORROR'. I love it! I also got these 90's looking rubber spiral bracelets, and socks, heheh. But they're cute socks with sort of a cotton eyelet layout with scallop edges. It's cute. ☺

I'll see if I can get a video up. You'll know if I do.

Teavana

I was shopping earlier with my family,

despite our tired feet,

and on our way to the next store,

we stopped at Teavana for tea.

And I couldn't help but notice

this beautiful guy,

as he handed the samples

to my mother and I.

I wanted, so much,

to let him know,

remind him that he's beautiful,

but it seems

my dull feelings,

only get me

stuck in seams

Of dreams that don't belong to me,

and things I do not wish to see.

No.

No.
I will not wait for you.
I've waited and waited.
I've waited for him to love me
I've waited for graduation,
I've waited to be accepted
by myself and by my peers.
I've waited for his text,
I've waited for her call,
I've waited for the 'okay',
I've waited to only be let down
(for what, the five thousandth time?)
I will not wait for you
or for anything else
I will not.
I will not.
I will not.

Once Upon A Time

Once when I was younger
I remember,
I loved makeup,
and I put tons of makeup
all over my face
and when my little sister saw
she wanted some too,
so then both our faces were painted
with an amount far too much
of makeup.
And about 5 minutes later,
dinner was ready,
and mom called us down.
We walked downstairs like princesses,
waiting to show her our beautiful makeup,
but we ran into dad first,
who, instead, ridiculed us to the point of tears.
And then, because he wasn't amused enough, 
He got his camera, 
and forced us, sobbing and sniffling,
to go outside.
And outside,
he forced us to smile
through the tears
and nearly irremovable frowns,
and took over several pictures
of my sister and us.
Forcing us to pose
like the fuck ups
he thought we were.
And when he had enough photographs,
he forced us to go upstairs
and "wipe all that shit off your face."
So we did.
And after that,
I didn't think I was beautiful,
And I didn't play with mom's makeup
anymore.

You said when I was older
I would think back and laugh at that.

I'm not laughing.

Not So Sure

This is so weird. 
Yesterday you were all I wanted.
Now I'm not so sure.

I do not exist.

I do not exist.
You see me in the hallways
I smile at you and wave,
and when you go home that night
you may think of me
you may wonder what it's like to know me
(please don't)
But when I go home and finish my homework
and converse with my mother,
maybe even talk to my sister.
In the end, when I peel off my clothes
I am nothing
There is nothing there
I do not exist.

Sad Eyes

I once knew a boy with sad eyes.
I only talked to him once
before he left my world,
(I forgot what it was about),
but I think about him from time to time.
And I wonder if he made it.
I wonder if he's okay.

Perfect date:

I want to sneak downstairs with mom's car keys, slyly open the garage door and sneak out of the house with the minivan. I want to have daisies in my wavy hair, I want to wear a denim jumper and my silly mixed shoestring middle school converse. I want to drive to you, waiting at the park near my old house, and you'd smile when you saw the familiar red van heading towards the parking lot. You'd walk to me and sit on the wooden bench as I hurriedly got out of the car, and I'd be greeted with your warm embrace, a familiar scent, the laugh I'd only dreamed of hearing so close to me again. Oh my god, oh my god. 
You'd hold my hand, my sweaty, shaky hand, and I'd realize this was real, and that I was really doing this, and that I was living one of my fantasies. When we walked far out enough into the field you'd stop, and grin almost sultrily. I'd melt and try not to shudder. You'd tell me to look up, and explain your favorite constellations to me, eyes wide with wonder. Eventually I'd yawn, and you'd yawn, and we'd decide to just stargaze, buried in the tall grass and wild flowers. We'd hear cars and sirens and police cars, we'd hear our shaky breathing, and I'd doze off, staring at the stars and the night sky. 
When I woke up you'd be beside me, and after I'd turn to my left and see you laying there, sound asleep, I'd realize that waking up next to you is the best thing that could ever happen to me. I'd wait until you opened your eyes to ask about the wildflower veil you placed in my open palm as I slept, and you'd say you made it for me because I was your fairy. I'd wear the lovely thing as we walked back to my car, drowsy & cold, but before I'd get to my car door you'd gently grab my hand again, and pull me towards you. This time I'd be bid farewell with the warm lips of my magnificent crush, and it would be the kiss that would save me. 
I'd smile, and wind my arms around you again, and I's feel your arms pull me tightly towards you around my lower back. I'd want to hug you forever, my head on your chest, yours over my shoulder, but you knew the sun couldn't be held back forever. 
You'd depart me with three of your kisses, each a spell. 
1, my jaw, don't. 
2, my neck, forget. 
3, my collarbone, me. 
I'd want you and you knew it, and that was the spell's magic. You'd should into the night as you walked away: I will always love you, my darling, my sun, my moon. I will respond, staring at your back as you disappeared into the night: I will love you forever. 
But I'd whisper my part, and that was my spell. I will not explain.

The weekend

Dad and Teresa fought really bag this weekend. It was another one of their stupid arguments that build off of thin air itself, courtesy of my father. I wish I could understand why he is how he is. Sometimes I wish he'd just stay alone because he'd be safer that way. I'd say that he could get a dog as his companion, but I wouldn't want him to mistreat it if it peed on the floor or something. Dad is predictable... but only most times.

Boyfriend

An artist is nice because I enjoy being drawn.
A poet is nice because he could see past my smiles.
Musicians are nice because they are intelligent.
Dancers are thinkers. They feel more intricately, they understand.
Actors understand your darkest emotions because they often must become it.

"Man In A Box Wants To Burn My Soul"

As soon as I got home all I wanted to do was listen to Low.

I mean, I had fun with Nova and her lucky guy, but I really wanted Muse to be there. What really pissed me off was that my mom wouldn't wait for me at all. Before the fireworks were even over she was texting me asking where I was. It really got to me, I'm not the type to complain to her about the things she does that upset me, but I really want her to know that she nearly ruined my night. I was having a lot of fun and then she texted me asking where I was, and right when the fireworks were over she called, telling me they were walking back. God, I wish she knew how I felt. I could hardly even hang out with Nova afterwards without me thinking about my mom and if she's going to take off or wait...

I'm sorry, I'm just really upset about this. She... 

I wish I could redo this day.

One more hour...

So in an hour I'll be waiting to watch the fireworks with Nova and Den. Muse isn't coming, which doesn't surprise me, haha. I hope it's fun. I mean it's sure to be, but I don't know. Part of me doesn't even want to leave the house. :(

"Pain, you know you're right"

My mom was watching Desperate Housewives and she said it was sad how Kathryn Joosten (Lady who plays Mrs McCluskey on the show) died just a year ago. She said you never know when you're going to go. I guess the sadness she feels when she sees her is the sadness I feel when I listen to Nirvana. It's like in some songs I can hear his sadness, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Independence Day

So today is Independence Day. I'm going to see the fireworks at this place close to home with Nova , her boyfriend Den and Muse (friend of mine). It should be fun. I'm kinda excited, but I don't know. I've been thinking about the fireworks all week. Shmurr