Raw

My Mother and brother are beyond concerned with my sister's well being. They tell me not to be so hard on her, and they tell me that she cries at night. They say she's not doing well. They say she's fragile. I wish they'd realize that I already fucking know.

What gets to me is that they don't know I'm going through the same thing.
They don't know that I've stayed up till 4 crying nearly every single fucking night.
They don't know I don't vent to them because I don't feel like I have the right to complain. I feel pathetic and worthless. 

I feel like I don't matter. I feel like nobody cares about me. I'm constantly plagued with the thought that all my friends secretly hate me. I'm plagued with the thought that nobody's ever going to help me. I have severe anxiety and feel entirely uncomfortable talking to people, even people I know and are close to at times. I haven't been truly happy for years, it seems. I'm constantly daydreaming about how my life will turn out if I really do end up a failure. I constantly picture my friends leaving me, and so many already have. I constantly picture my family throwing harsh remarks at me. I constantly feel like there's not shit I can do about it.

And I keep that hidden because I feel I don't deserve to complain, and I feel like that because of my self esteem issues. Where's my fucking help? My recognition? The fucking guilt trips and the "oh please help, my daughter's depressed?" 

It fucking doesn't.