And my eyes,

do they look hollow?

After all this, I'd hope they look

a little darker.

It's hard to live with

headache after headache

after worry after worry.

It's not easy to stop worrying,

and if I did, I'd lose focus,

and fail again, so what will that do?

I can't simply turn off the switch.

If it were that easy

I'd turn on the 'skinny' switch

I'd turn on the 'good at math' switch

I'd turn on the fucking 'make me impeccable at everything' switch.

Not Liking Myself

Lately I haven't really liked myself. Do I ever like myself anymore? I feel like I do everything wrong, no matter how hard I try. I can't score well on the ACT, I'm going to be a senior in a sophomore math class next semester. My whole High School experience has been so fucked up, I hate even talking about it. I wish I could wake up a mathematician, like, the best in the world. Then I'd be awesome at math and people would have to ask me for help. And then I could get a perfect on the ACT's math score and that would probably boost my overall score to a 21 or higher. I just.. I'm so terrible at academic things and I hate it. I hate being like this.

The ACT

The past month I've been so stressed out and anxious and worried all the time. All day and all night. I can't stop thinking about the ACT. I need a 20 just to get into the college I want to go to, and a 21 to get the bigger version of the A+ scholarship they offer there. It's taking me too long to type this because my hands are shaky and I feel like I may throw up or have a panic attack of something. Idk. I can't even catch my breath. Everytime I try to work on anything I nearly break into tears. Every little thing that goes wrong breaks me. Maybe I just need to cry or something. I don't know what to do.

My anger is literally discombobulating me. I'm losing grip on things and dropping things that are in my hands.  I'm shaking. I don't understand m how my sister's brain works. Everything she does is backwards, from showering to homework. I. Don't. Fucking. Get it. She could start her homework at 1:00 pm and it still wouldn't be done until 7:00, and it's one assignment. A fuckin butterfly fifteen miles away could distract her. She procrastinates so much she could probably procrastinate death. I can hardly type because I literally want to punch my fucking wall. I don't know what to do. It's not even just her, I have so much pent up and it's driving me insane. I just want to feel better.

Sorta pissed today. I have to do this assignment for Video Production that consists of me making a song on garageband for a project (or two, considering I have to make one for myself too), and I feel like they're expecting it to be sorta great because the last two were, and it 's bugging me because the last two were done on a whim, I just pieced some things together really quick and it turned out to be a hit, I wasn't expecting that, but now I feel like I may end up the music girl for video production and that's what I was running away from! Haha, It's almost ironic, but I wont explain all that shit it'll take too long. I just wish we could use some royalty free music off the internet and call it a day, ugh. I hate it when people expect so much of me.

Fixed Camera!

This week was really long. The other day I sorta had a moment, venting to my mom about all the things that have been happening lately. Just drama with friends, is all. Friday I brought my Argus C-44 to school to see if Mr Cam or Mr Clay could fix it, Mr Cam couldn't get the gears, but somehow, Mr Clay got it in like, five minutes, which was great! So now my old film camera works! Yay! I don't know what kind of film it needs though, hmm. And I still don't really know how to use it, eh. Actually, Friday was an okay day. Also, I finished American Horror Story season 1 this week, meaning I started it Monday and finished it Friday. It was excellent! Tate is really adorable... also really psychotic, haha.

Homecoming

It was really fun, actually. Yes, I did end up going by myself, but it was okay. I ran into Nolee and Erin and some of their friends, which was cool. I also saw Promise for the first time since like, last year, which was cool. We talked and ended up exchanging numbers, which was cool. I danced. A LOT. Haha, it was awesome, I even did the chaha slide, which I usually never do. Libby taught Erin and I how to do this one dance, I forgot the name of it. (It was really difficult and thinking about it now I forgot how it even goes). Hayden kinda stuck with me about half of the time from the very beginning, which for a while was cool, but eventually became kinda awkward, especially after he asked me to dance, then sorta rambled about how upset he was that I wouldn't, haha. I felt bad, but I seriously don't dance with guys. It's awkward. My mom even asked why I didn't, and I really don't know what else to say except that it's awkward, and dancing isn't as innocent as it was in the 70's and 80's, haha. Besides I don't know what kind of dancing he meant. (Not to mention about 45 minutes later this other girl was literally dancing on him, so hey, I guess he got to anyway, ahaha) But yeah. That's not me. I danced with Erin though! And Nolee, who taught me (tried to teach me) how to 'dance low' (?). I don't think I got the gist of it though. I saw Jake, Gurio, Cree (Who I'm still not sure about), Hayden (Of course...), Nolee, Erin, Promise, some people from band, Giselle (Who's dress looked so much like mine it was awesome we were twinning lol), Crest (This girl was dancing on him like CRAZY. I was like damn), and a bunch of others. Homecoming was really fun and totally worth all the trouble, and I'm really glad I went :)


                                                      Erin☝    Me☝   Nolee☝

If we were colors

you'd be red

and I'd be green

(Don't be mean)

WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO SUCK THIS MUCH TODAY? FUCK EVERYTHING!