Ethan :(

If my brother were going to stay in his room all day playing video games, laying in bed, googling random things on the computer and talking on the phone he might as well have just stayed at college. I  don't know what to do. I really miss the old Ethan that used to come into people's room randomly and do silly things or idk something? He's hardly regarded our existence since he came home for the holiday. He's being really cold. I don't know what to do. Ethan and I are the two that get along all the time. I can't handle being indifferent to both siblings, or the sibling I need most being indifferent to me.

She makes a living by
delivering killer kisses
to men who need it
And using her voluptuous curves
on women who seek it.
She's a siren without the call
You either know where she's at
or get nothing at all.
She stays on the move
in the shadows of the city
She has a face to be under stage lights
But her label doesn't fit it.
Oh, there's something she told me
that she hasn't told anyone else
and she kissed my mouth shut
to be sure I'd never tell,
but I could write a secret
that she keeps her heart
Locked in a diary
And it only beats when she writes
Is that why
I am writing tonight?

URL Change

changing my url because I use this url for everything and I don't want anybody from school or any family to ever find my online venting place. 

The Boyfriend

And not mine, my mom's. He's perfect! He's everything I always wanted my dad to be... * sigh * The only thing that sorta bursts my bubble is that he's going to be staying here the rest of thanksgiving break, and I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, it's just a man hasn't lived with us since, well, my dad. And my dad is my dad, but Andre is, well, someone I don't know that well, for starters. I know he wouldn't do anything weird, and he's 'not a prude', so mom says, (and I believe her, but still) I don't really like wearing underwear at night, and I hate wearing pants during the day, and I don't wear a bra unless I have to, and idk. I want to be comfortable without... without thinking about it., you know? He'll be here in a couple hours or so, he actually lives on Kansas City, he drives 4 hours just to see us even though he has to work bright and early Monday, it's really amazing, actually. And he brings flowers for mom every time, and last time he even got Vanessa and I flowers! He's so brilliant. I hope him and mom get to be everything she wants them to be and more.

 Ps: that's Nova and I in Senior Literature class.

Dear Mom

You can't handle me telling you how I feel. I can't always explain this shit. I don't always want to. You need to learn to sometimes accept that I'm going to be pissy for no fucking reason and there's not shit anybody can do about it. Maybe that makes me a bitch. Maybe that makes me ungrateful. At least I don't act one way to my kids and another to my boyfriend. I wish you'd understand how I feel. I wish I could understand how you act sometimes too, because you're literally a walking puzzle sometimes. Don't get mad at me for trying to calm down in ways you may not like during church, because I didn't have to. I could have did something way worse. I wanted to. but I didn't. Because I'm not a bitch, unlike your opinion of me. Thanks.

Nova... Really?

I'm tired of a lot of things right now and most of it, unfortunately, happens to be the people I'm around. If there's anyone I want to talk to about how they've been acting, it's Nova. I mean, nearly every day since middle school she's never had lunch money and gets food by mooching off of other people or being pissy about everything and to everyone until somebody buys her something just to shut her up. I don't know what to do. Like today, she hardly even talked to anyone and sat down looking pissed the whole lunch period, making it awkward, as it usually is due to something about her, whether it's her boyfriend, or her family, or acting class, or someone pissed her off, or her parents pissed her off. Anything. Something is always wrong with Nova. I stayed a little longer at lunch to get chicken nuggets and she got pissed off at me because she didn't eat. "I seriously hate you right now, like, I'm raging at you right now." Which is Nova's language for 'Hey can I have some?'. She uses reverse psychology for everything, I fucking swear. It doesn't work on me, though. I've known her since middle school, what does she expect? I mean, fucks sake, she still owes me 6 dollars from shopping in July and 8 dollars from all those times I bought her lunch in middle school, she has no right getting pissed off at me over that. And the only reason I stayed after during lunch was to get chicken nuggets because during my lunch they ran out, and when I went to the table and said "Damn it, I really wanted those, I always have those on mondays" she responded with a pissy "well at least you have food! I don't have food!" It's like this all the time. She practically makes people feel bad for even eating in front of her, like what the actual fuck. Most days there's something going wrong in my life too, sometimes I don't have lunch money, but I don't sit around and look depressed and/ or throw tantrums about it. I wish she'd grow up, because I don't think she realizes how nearly everyone at the table is seriously sick of all the shit that she dumps on us every single day. 

Ps: If there's anything else that pisses me off about this, it's that literally every day Carrie is the reason Nova doesn't go hungry, and I wish Carrie could see how much Nova uses her, it's sad. I don't even think Nova even cares for her anymore. If she didn't pay for her lunch all the damn time, I don't even think Nova would want her around.

Staying home sick

So I stayed home sick today. It's not the best. Nobody's home and I'm bored out of my mind. Idk. I should embrace it.

River

I'd scroll through the messages to tell you exactly when, but it would hurt too much. My friend, his real name is Mutt but I called him River most of the time, passed away earlier today. Yesterday he was hit by a car. Drunk Driver, it was a hit and run. I can hardly believe it. And what's worse is that he lives in Oklahoma, and I've never met him. Only saw him once, never heard his voice. I guess two weeks ago I met him on Omegle, and I really liked him, so I added him on Kik so we could talk. I may have only known him two weeks but the's a great friend, a great guy. He worked all the time to help his brothers pay for the rent, and towards the last three days I haven't even talked to him that much, actually. I got so caught up in schoolwork... which makes me feel even more like shit. I hope he understands. I guess it's good to know he's out of pain now, especially because he had AIDS, and living with that must be tough, knowing you could die so easily, with a simple cold. I wanted to tell somebody, even though I'm sure nobody will read this. I wish I could have met him before it was too late, but I was pouring tea earlier and... I don't know, I felt like he was there. Just an outline. Hardly.