Fuck you

It's you guys' fault for expecting me to be someone I'm not. I'm not outgoing and I don't like to talk to people. I've never been the girl that paid attention in class or cared about history, so when some jokes go over my head or I don't know as much history as you guys, please don't make fun of me for it. Also, I don't think I've said it enough, I HAVE ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION. I wish I could go outside and talk to new people but that's just not me. It never fucking was even before I was diagnosed. I'm not outgoing, okay? Get the fuck over it. And yeah, I'm afraid of spiders and I'm afraid of walking alone at night but who the fuck wouldn't be in today's world? Yeah I didn't know SIUC was a party school over the fucking summer, but my step mom told me it was a party school way before you did and I didn't really believe her because I thought she meant it used to be. So sorry I came off as naive to you. I know a lot about the world. I'm just as old as you guys, believe it or not. You don't have to treat me like a kid and then complain about babysitting me. If you don't want to then don't. I never said you guys had to be friends with me and I want people to be around me because they want to be not because they feel like they have to be for fear of me being "lonely". Hahaha. As if I'm not used to being alone. What the fuck do you think elementary school was for me? I don't need friends that feel like I'm a kid they have to watch over every second. I can take care of myself. I'm not going to be around the dorm as much. Maybe I should start looking for different people to hang around.

Muse

I miss you

...

I don't want to have feelings for you

But although you feel like a brother to me

Part of me still wants more...

Insignificant

I feel so small and insignificant all the time now. I wish I could make it stop. I don't know what to do to make myself feel normal again. I feel like nobody listens to me, even when they obviously are. I feel like the third wheel all the time, even when it's just me and one other person. I feel like I'm not a really here, I feel like I'm here and home at the same time. I want to be alone and I want my friends. I want my mom and I also want to live alone for the rest of my days. Maybe I don't know what I want. I wish I had a counselor here. I mean there is one, but you have to pay for it, and I don't want to have to get to know somebody new all over again. Starting from the beginning, going over everything: the depression, the anxiety, the divorce, the... everything. Ugh.

Robot

YOU'VE BEEN
AT A COPYING MACHINE
YOUR WHOLE LIFE
COPYING EVERYTHING
EVERY HEART STRING
EVERY SILHOUETTE
EVERY TIME YOUR LOVED ONE
WENT TO BED
I CAN'T
I CAN'T
I CAN'T
I CAN'T

Nova

You could drag me in the dirt
& I'd still be there.
You could treat me like a speck of dust,
But I'd still braid your hair.
I read somewhere that this is
friendship,
To me it seems like a load of bullshit.
But I don't know,
I miss your voice,
But I don't want to be the second choice.
I miss your smile,
But I want you to call first
Every once in a while.

God Damn

Invade my privacy
I want to feel your breath on my neck;
Kisses along my collarbones.
You know you're the only one
I've ever let in.
That I'd ever let in.
I could write about you for eons,
Love letters and observations left unsaid,
But none of them would feel as good
As your hands around my waist,
Or your lips on mine.
I'm an eighteen year old untouched poet.
It should be on the most dangerous list,
Along with atom bombs
and molotov cocktails

      Nuclear love is twice the explosion.

Love

You've won five spelling bees,
But you can't spell love.
L-O-V-E, love.
Like the sound of doves
At a wedding between lovers, in love.
You were supposed to be there but
My love wasn't enough
But I can spell love
L-O-V-E, love,
Like a truck hitting a girl
Who pushed her love out of the way,
Lovers, in love.
I've been out of love
and in love
and loved...

Muse

I'm never gonna visit you again.
You're almost out of my head.
It feels really great to not have your name
Tattooed on my brain,
So I'm never gonna visit you again.
I'm never gonna visit you again.
Your spell is finally wearing off my thread.
I've better ways of time to spend
I could dance around
or sing aloud and proud,
And I'm never gonna visit you again.

Coffee

I've been drinking coffee a lot now. Before college I hated it. When I was a kid I used to think when I'd drink coffee in the morning it would mean I was officially an adult because my mom and dad drank coffee in the morning. I guess I was sorta right.

Crush

I really want to let you in
I also want to cut my skin
You told me I should speak my mind
but I feel like a waste of time
And I can't even talk to you
I'll look away, stunned, like a fool
Your eyes are like the tide and they pull me in
I'm scared that I may drown in them
not in the way they squeal at in love stories
but in a way I'm familiar with that's much more frightening.

Why?

My fingers are still numb from the cold but I had to type this out because it's literally killing me. Why am I always the one who has to take care of people? I don't get it. I mean I know this girl and she's coo. but she drinks a lot and she hit her head over the weekend and now she's on seizure medicine because she had maybe 4 seizures or something she said and of course me being me I had to step in and help her and meet her dumb friends who look like no good anyway. I just wish I could stop caring so much about people who don't care half as much about me.

Tripping On Xanax (Infatuation)

I washed my xanax down with beer

It was my fault, trying to feel

My mind is starting to reel

As my eyes peel back...

I see you

I'm high and I see you

You bat your eyes at me

And i can't fucking breathe

Am I tripping deep?

Because you're all I see

Tripping on xanax

And I can't breathe

Tripping on xanax

You're all I see