Stupid

Of course I'm being blackmailed. You don't flash someone on Omegle and expect to not be blackmailed. I'm such a dumbass.

Omegle

Omegle is toxic.

Lol.

I showed my boobs to someone on omegle today.

Lord help me.

Muse

I keep telling them I'm not in love with you anymore and I don't even believe that myself. I miss my stomach dropping when I see you smile. Checking my hair before class. You weren't just a crush. You gave me a reason to go to school. You gave me a reason to try. You told me not to give up. I haben't, by the way. Not on school, not on my life, not even on you.

Bisexual.

I started talking o this really cool girl I met on omegle, and it really got me thinking. Even though my mom knows I'm bisexual, I know for a fact she's not 100% okay with it. I know for a fact she'd cringe if I had a girlfriend, and she'd hurl if I gazed at her too long at the dinner table. She knows, but she doesn't understand. I don't think she ever will.

No matter what I do I always find a way to make everything worse when all I want is for it to get better. 

Dad

You emotionally and verbally abused me and my entire extended family.

You manipulated my younger sister -- your daughter -- into thinking she was unloved by her own mother.

Get help.

Thinking

My chest hurts because I miss my counselor and Moshi Moshi by Brand New is stuck in my head and my canker sore is giving me hell. I want to cry but I'm too exhausted to. I'm supposed to feel better now that I'm home. Why do I feel more lost and anxious here than I did at school?

Indie

It's okay if you like her more than me, but if you do, don't lie to me and say I'm your best friend. I can tell that slot's been replaced for you.

Mason

I had a dream that you called me and woke me up and we talked about foods that we wanted to be served at the Wedding Party. I could hear you scribbling on a memo pad through the phone.

I wish you'd call me.

Idk

Sorry okay?! I'm just trying to act like I don't care as much so that maybe you'll care more. I know your next question will he why do I feel like I need to do that? Well, so that I stay interesting, I guess. So I can see if you stay or not. I'm twisted. Sorry.

It's easier to push you away

Pilodinial Cyst Ruins Life: New York Times Newest Story

I'm nervous I guess. I mean I literally have a cyst on my ass. If that isn't the weirdest thing ever I don't know what is. Not to mention it totally makes me unfuckable, as laying on my back hurts like a bitch and I have a giant obnoxious unattractive bandaid right on top of the cyst, which is in a really obvious place..... between..... my.... BUTCHEEKS. HFKSDFKJHDASJKFKJDFKJSDAFJKSDHF.

I'm so pissed about it. Idk. It's not like I planned on having a sex fest over the summer but ugh like I even have to masturbate differently. It just really sucks. Plus I may have to get surgery over the summer to get rid of the sinus that the pilodinial cyst is growing from, and depending on how deep it is, the wound may take months to heal. There goes my whole summer. Not to mention, I'm not going to be able to go swimming at all. It's just a bummer. The more I think about the cyst the more it depresses me. Especially because I don't know if or when it'll ever go away, or if it'll come back, and how many times it'll come back. I don't know. It's also just really irritating that my skin is always deciding to do whatever the fuck it wants. Seriously like I'm always getting infections and scratching holes into my skin because of eczema and honestly I just wish I didn't have to go through all this bullshit. It's a different skin thing every half a year so it seems.

The worst thing is going to be pretending like I'm normal around other people. Trying not to wince when I accidentally lay on my back. Cringing when I sit on a chair and when getting up. It just really sucks.

So...

I think I had my first g spot orgasm! I feel proud, actually. It felt so different than a clitoral orgasm. Mmm..

Flashbacks

I still have flashbacks of the day my dad tried to kill my mom. I still freak out when someone screams "Get off of me". Ugh.

Hiking and Stuff

I went hiking yesterday. It was super fun, except Ryan was upset and I didn't know why. He was kinda a butt the whole time, but I didn't let it ruin my day. The trails we went on were so beautiful. It was scary because there were some cliffs, and none of them had railings. You had to really watch your footing in most areas. It was intense, but it was so much fun. I can't wait to go again.

Today, Sarah Josh and I went on a walk. We went to Trueblood for pizza first, but then we ended up walking to 'Blend'(a really nice cafe off campus), and then to the lake. I finally got to go to the 'usual spot'. It's really peaceful. We tried to go boating but Sarah didn't want to go, and they were done giving boats for the day, so we didn't go. Siu's campus is so pretty in spring. I had so much fun this weekend. ^_^