Sad poetry

I feel like dying
on the ground
I feel like dying
without a sound
No phone calls
no ambulance
Free as a bird
It was no accident.
It was a unanimous decision
between my mind and my heart.
Play the ambient music
that's what I want to hear
Whether I go to heaven
or stay down here.
Soft guitars and angel's harps
that's the music that begs me for
endeared emotions
Quieter thoughts
Death is serene, isn't it?

I don't get myself

Sure, I get attached to people easily, but honestly I grow bored of them even easier. I don't get it. It's like as soon as I have someone where I want them, I'm not interested, but a week ago I would have been all over it. It's as if every love interest in my life has a timer on the amount of attention I give them, but every time they show me they want me, it's shortened? But that doesn't make sense, wouldn't I want them to want me?

I don't know.

Vanessa

LITERALLY THE ONLY REASON YOU EVEN COME IN MY ROOM IS TO COMPLAIN, SELF HATE YOURSELF IN MY MIRROR AND EXPECT ME NOT TO SAY ANYTHING TO YOU. THIS IS MY FUCKING ROOM. ASK MOM FOR SOME TAPE FOR YOUR MIRROR, GROW UP, AND STOP BITCHING TO ME ABOUT YOUR STUPID PETTY PROBLEMS BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING CARE. IT'S NOT MY FUCKING ISSUE. TAKE IT TO SOMEONE WHO CARES.

Rot or Spend to Get Better?.

I wish life weren't so expensive.
It sucks that just the price of getting one of my teeth taken out
is enough to put my mom in a bad mood.
Why is it so expensive just to be healthy in this life?
It's sad.
It's so much cheaper to mentally and physically
rot away that it makes me think
maybe that's what's supposed to happen?
Maybe we're not supposed to fight sickness
aging,
hurting,
and mental vultures,

What do I know?

Kill me please

Shhh...
Let me kiss you gently.
I'll give you what you want,
I promise.
Let me hold you
so I can drop you.
I can't wait.
What's the highest your hopes have ever been?
Have you ever felt insignificant?
Do me a favor,
Reach down my throat and pull out my heart.
I don't need it anymore.
My anxiety pumps my blood at this point.
Thanks?

Dad

Maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Trying to push you away. Maybe I should just let it be, let what happens happen. I don't know. Ugh. Do you even know what you've done? Do you understand what you are? Has anybody ever bothered to tell you? I'm lost...

Indie (Olivia)

Why do you keep hanging out without me? I wish you knew how shitty it makes me feel when I text you and you say you're with Amy. You're almost always with her. I feel like you don't invite me anywhere unless she's going too. Is hanging out with me boring you? Are you trying to pull away? I don't get it. I get so paranoid about my friends leaving. I know you probably wouldn't get it, you'd think I were being stupid, but It's easy to feel abandoned when it's all you're used to from past friendships. I'llnack off if thats what you want, but just let me know. Ignorance isn't bliss for me, it's worse than knowing.

Eh

Kissed my dog on the forehead before bed.
I've been having paranoid thoughts
about something bad happening to her
being hit by a car
or getting cancer.
Vanessa wants to visit our father.
I don't have the energy to tell her what a bad idea that is.
I wonder if I'll take birthday money from him this year
I wonder if I can bear not seeing him,
and I hope I have the strength to not see him.

I'm stressed out.
I'm stressed out about paying back college loans,
and having a job during the school year since the GI Bill is ending soon.

I'm worried.
I'm worried about having transportation next semester
whenever I need groceries
I'm worried about my depression getting bad again
I'm worried about not having the same counselor if it does.

I'm irritated.
I'm irritated that my friends at college are so difficult.
I'm irritated that Amy only thinks Hayley's a bad person because of what Olivia's told her
I'm irritated she hasn't heard my side, or Hayley's side.
I'm irritated she thinks she has the right to judge her without even fucking knowing her
without going through what I went through with her
Without knowing her situation.
I'm irritated I have to go to college in the first place.
I fucking hate school.
I hate it.

I miss my counselor

I miss my friends at school,
but I'm also enjoying every single second I get away from them

I don't get to vent often anymore.

This is everything,
and if it's not I'll come back and write more.

I guess I haven't been feeling 100% for a while.
I miss the security.

Poor

I hate being poor. I'm tired of lunch meat sandwiches. I'm tired of stressing my mom out. I'm tired of going to the grocery store and my mom literally wincing at the price of a fucking pound of beef. I feel like more of a burden than a person. For Christ's sake, I'm literally going to have to pay for my own cell phone bill later this year. I just wish I had a choice. I wish there were options. I feel stuck. Fuck, I am stuck.

Something I Almost Did

I was watching the behind the scenes video for "Holding On To You", and when it got to the part with the noose and I saw how shaken up Tyler was from it it kinda shook me up too. I mean... that was almost me. I almost did that once upon a time... I could be dead... I don't know. I just had this sinking feeling when I saw it - much like guilt - at the fact that I... I mean I almost did that... I just...

My heart feels weird. I think I need to take a breather.

Vanessa

I've been dealing with you silently for a while now.
Keep pushing me and I'm not going to keep it to myself anymore.
I'm really fucking fed up with you.
Dealing with your goddamn 50 / 50 good days / bad days is really taking a toll on me.
Get over your fucking first world problems.
Do some self therapy.
Think through your questions thoroughly before you fucking ask me
Stop asking redundant ass questions. It's annoying as hell, Jesus fucking Christ.
Stop being so fucking selfish.
Grow up.
I didn't plan on spending my summer babysitting my depressed little sister
and dealing with your shitty attitudes and hormonal mood swings.
Literally most the time you open your mouth nowadays
My first thought is "shut the fuck up"
That's before you even speak.
That's how bad it is now.
I'm not afraid to ignore you.
I've ignored you for months at a time, remember those days?
Don't fucking test me.

Sex

What is it with guys and sex? You know, sometimes I wonder if there's any guys left on this earth that would wait until after marriage to have sex (that aren't Mormon). It blows to know that no matter how sweet a guy is, no matter how great I think they are, at the end of the day they're still guys. I'm more than a pair of breasts and a clitoris, but it seems like that's all guys really care about. I have a goddamn back story, I have a life. I have bones and a heart and a fucking soul. Maybe you should get to know that first before your head goes straight to boning me, you know?

Mason

At least I know now. It's not in the back of my head everytime I see you; talk to you. I'm disappointed but hey, it's the summer. I'm sure there'll be other guys...... *laugh*

Okay so there probably wont, but still. Either way, you rock. I'm glad I'm friends with you.