Music to my ears

Wednesday I'm going to take a test to see if theres anything wrong with me. The test is six hours. It's a behavioral test. It's how they diagnose depression and stuff. Sounds like something I'd be associated with. I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual now. Straight girls don't dream of kissing girls they saw in the hallway at a college tour. I just don't know what to do. All this anxiety and depression shit I have to deal with, and now this stupid sexuality bull shit. I wish I could just be a normal teenager. Ugh. Tomorrow is Monday. I've been on spring break. Thursday I had a college tour. It was amazing! I went to SIUC. Carbondale is really nice, It's a quiet small town. Like college towns usually are. I really like it there. I'm totally going to siuc. They accepted me and everything, which is great. Now I just have to do those final steps. I'm excited. Haha. It's a downer because I have to buy so much stuff for my dorm now. I don't have any money. Dad probably wont help me because he hardly ever does so why bother. I found so much new music today too. Teen Suicide, Elvis Depressedly, Neck Deep, new stufff from Brand New, Starry Cat, etc. They're great. I forgot to put elvis depressedly on my mp3 player. Ffs...

blogger

This is the only place I can put my thoughts without worrying about anybody seeing it. That's pretty sad.

I don't mean this

I hate you. You're no different from the rest and I hate you. You're not funny and you're not damaged. Go away go away go away.

work :(

I deally don't want to go to work today.

On other notice, church today sorta made me think. I really wish I were baptised later in life, under my own watch, and because I really wanted to. I was baptised at two years old. I didn't even know who the hell God was, and why the priest was trying to 'drown' me. It sucks that I didn't get a choice. 

Shit rice for dinner

It makes my head hurt

My head is so heavy

I can't keep my chin up.

Your words resonate

Like a clock striking twelve

My head was on cloud nine 

Now I feel like I'm stuck in hell

And the demons aren't people

They're all of your self doubts

When you're living with them 

It gets even harder to shut them out.

You again (Him again)

I don't know why I thought spilling my fears to you would make you want to talk to me again. I just have to pretend to not be sad that you didn't say more to me when I said hi to you today. I have to pretend to not be bothered by you not asking me if I was okay during school. I want you to notice me. Why can't I exist to you at school too?

Ps: You don't help someone at twelve am who you don't care about. Are we friends? If we are, why wont you say any more than 'hey' to me at school? Are you embarassed of me?

You. (Him).

It's raining really hard right now

Sneak through the back door and come up stairs.

No, I'm not asleep, you're fine.

Will you put your arms around me?

If you're cold I have extra blankets

(Honestly, I have too many blankets

And not enough 'you' to share them with)

Come closer

Come closer

Come closer

I don't care if your hair

Is still wet from the rain

I'd rather shiver with you

Than be too warm and alone again.