Cole

Now whenever I listen to 'Crystalized' I'm probably going to think of you. Thanks a lot.

... Okay it's hours later now and I remembered this post and honestly I was a little mad when I wrote this. Not at you. Well, maybe a little, but you have to understand, small crushes like you either end up really great (me realizing I don't really like you and moving on) or absolutely terrible (the small crush exploding into a black hole crush that will literally envelope me).  Anyway, if I had the guts, I would have told you that there's definitely more great songs like that to fall asleep to.

Angels - The XX
Deer Drop Forest - Daisuke Tanabe
Coil - Daisuke Tanabe
BFR 12 - Daisuke Tanabe
The Other Day We Thought Of Our Friends - Kidsuke
A Robot's First Love - Julsy
Untitled - Sea Oleena
Orion's Eyes - Sea Oleena

and 

Paper Birds - Parachues (this song made me cry the first time I heard it. I hope you don't think it's girly)

McCluer North Fucking High School

I seriously hate my school so much. I can't believe somebody would go to school to be a teacher or counselor or some shit like that just to fuck someone over. The staff at my high school is so impossibly unprofessional that I can't believe they were ever even hired. It's pathetic that the teacher's and counselor's level of maturity and responsibility is as low if not lower than the students. It's pathetic that they've messed up student's schedules as much as they have. They all need to get a fucking grip. I feel like I'm the only sane one there and I seriously can't even think about anything else but how much I want to ruin that school and everything it stands for. No matter how long it takes. They'll all know how shitty it is and how it needs to be fucking remodeled, new counselor's, and mostly new teachers. I cannot even put how angry I am right now into words. If you fuck my high school career over, I'll fuck over your life just as bad.

Vanessa

Please do not dump your shit on me and expect me to give you some bull shit answer about the answer to all your stupid problems. Most of them you can solve yourself. Sleep statistically makes you think better, act better, and see the world in a different light. Insomnia is a symptom of depression, and probably the most documented one there is. I have it. You sure as hell fucking have it. Deal with it. Find a way around it. Take a sleeping pill. Do what you have to to fucking go to sleep because when you vent to me like you just did you seriously impair my ability to sleep too. I guarantee you you're not going through anything worse than I, mom, or even Ethan went to. If you want to get out of the house, LEAVE. Live a little! Sneak out! I seriously can't deal with you venting to me and then getting upset about my responses because you can't handle the fact that everything I tell you about what you need to do to improve yourself is the truth. That sounds like a personal problem. And if I said that, I'm sure you'd just fucking lose your shit. 

Feeling Artsy

There's something that old paintings do to me. Paintings featuring those little baby angels and women with full breasts and curves like Venus. It's not even the art, really. I mean it is, but, mostly, it's their bodies. I feel like they're real. The artist didn't pick up a paintbrush and draw Kate Moss, he drew an average height woman with soft curves and defined crevices in her side as she lays down. With soft eyes and natural blushed cheeks, round faces. When I look at them I think of what my mom would say whenever I'd talk about my stomach "Women don't naturally have flat stomachs. They're supposed to look a little full/ round". I just... Sometimes it gets to me and I end up staring. It's like looking at people without Photoshop and dieting and skipping meals or binging. The normal balance of weight? Maybe? And then I feel weird because: why am I staring at all these paintings of naked women? It makes me feel more than I usually feel when I look at art. I can't describe the feeling exactly, but, it's just more than I usually feel.

Muse Muse Muse

God, I'm still waiting for the day that I can speak to you without shaking. I wasn't kidding when I told you you rocked my world. Being next to you is too much for me to handle. 

Dear Mom,

So let me get this straight: you're considering letting her go to a fucking 1 Direction Concert and she's fucking twve years old, and I didn't go to my first concert until I was seventeen and you wouldn't let me go to any concerts in middle school even though all my friends were going and you're considering letting her go to a fucking one fucking direction concert? I don't have words for this.

Dear Mom,

I cried for you not to give up on me, and you still walked away and slammed the door. I'm sorry I'm a handfull. Sometimes I don't want to exist. Your life would probably be a lot easier if I didn't. I don't see what the big deal is. Honestly I feel like if I were to disappear nobody would notice. Nobody would care.

Suicidal

Top be entirely honest, today I felt like killing myself about eighty percent of the day today. I'm glad I have math first hour because then at least by around fourth or fifth hour I'm feeling better. Today I nearly cried in math. I don't think anybody noticed though. Mrs Athena is really great, but she explains things so fast, and she'll be on question eleven and I'll still be on nine or ten, barely halfway through. I feel like I don't take my first breath of the morning until second hour, because that's the first hour that isn't terribly hard for me and I can calm down from the morning rush and breathe. Today in second hour ( Film Analysis ) we watched some seventies movie about these high school teens that skated all the damn time. It had Linda Blair in it. She was beautiful. I wonder what she looks like now. Time is the cruelest of all. I wore a lot of eyeliner today. Like eight grade eyeliner type eyeliner. Yeah. I think it made the guys stare at my eyes more. Maybe I should do it more often. I like it when people look at me, not my clothes or watch or necklace but really look at me. My  eyes, or my hands when I'm writing, or my arms in the summer when they're not covered with baggy sweater sleeves. It makes me feel like they actually care about me, and not what I have on. Sometimes guys look at me and I can see them trying to take them off in their heads. It disgusts me. Also, I'm reading Eleanor and Park now. It's really good. I just made a Joy Division station on Pandora due to it, because the book takes place in eighty six. Ironically, the first song that played was 'Love Will Tear Us Apart'. And now 'How Soon Is Now' is playing just this second. Weird...

"I am the son... And the heir.... Of nothing in particular..."

Self conscious

Another reason I get so self conscious around people is because I often meet people that I already probably know a lot about because of things I've heard or observed myself, and most often those people have no idea who I am. I naturally tend to find out things about people without even having to ask around. I guess I am- now, the most overused term in my indie-rock existence- a wallflower. 'You see and you understand'. But ugh, I hate using that term. Nobody would take me seriously if I brought this shit up at school. I felt like stabbing myself the entire day, can you tell?

Muse

So today during art I was seated literally right across from Muse. Talk about awkward. I wish there were a way to never see him at school again. Without either of us dying or anything, haha. It's just seeing him and being around him is never a good thing. Today he gave Indie and Sasha a stick of gum, but not me. I mean come on, he obviously doesn't want to be bothered with me. Not to mention the whole time I was talking to Indie he didn't even chime in, but when Indie did her awesome funny noises thing she does, he chimed in, and then I definitely didn't want to, because, awkward. It sucks it has to be this way and I honestly don't know why it is. Did he come to some conclusion after break that he didn't want to talk to me anymore? I don't blame him if he did. Sometimes I don't want to be around myself either. I sorta want to tell Indie just because of the awkwardness and I know eventually she'll catch on and want to know. I just hope It doesn't affect how she sees him. Ugh. I hate high school.

Dear Mom,

Why don't you like it when my friends come over? It's not like they have bad manners, or are loud or anything. I wish that I could have friends over without asking you half scared, and then and tip-toing around you the whole time they're over. It doesn't make any sense. My friends are really good people. I wish that you didn't hate having people over so much. Ugh.

Muse

It's 1:41 am and I can't sleep because my leg hurts really bad and also because I can't stop thinking about you and I in my bed with your arms wrapped around me, and I know it sucks because every time I see you or talk about you to other people I have to pretend that I'm not still in love with you but truth is I'm 99% sure I am and I really hate that because you're the guy I'd text until 3am the night before the final exams and I'm the girl you'd reluctantly text back every once in a while when you're bored on lunch breaks at work.

Weight gain?

I was about to watch Brokeback Mountain on Netflix, but I wanted to post this first. So I feel like I may be gaining weight again. I don't know. Most mornings I'm one hundred and seven pounds, and by the end of the day I'm pushing ten. Is that normal? Are you supposed to gain that much during the day, a whole three pounds, and then lose them overnight just to gain them back? Plus I feel like my stomach is poking a bit too much again but I don't know maybe I'm just being paranoid. I wish I could just stay at 105 pounds like I was over the summer for about two weeks. Those were the happiest two weeks ever. I felt on top of the world.