Suicidal

Top be entirely honest, today I felt like killing myself about eighty percent of the day today. I'm glad I have math first hour because then at least by around fourth or fifth hour I'm feeling better. Today I nearly cried in math. I don't think anybody noticed though. Mrs Athena is really great, but she explains things so fast, and she'll be on question eleven and I'll still be on nine or ten, barely halfway through. I feel like I don't take my first breath of the morning until second hour, because that's the first hour that isn't terribly hard for me and I can calm down from the morning rush and breathe. Today in second hour ( Film Analysis ) we watched some seventies movie about these high school teens that skated all the damn time. It had Linda Blair in it. She was beautiful. I wonder what she looks like now. Time is the cruelest of all. I wore a lot of eyeliner today. Like eight grade eyeliner type eyeliner. Yeah. I think it made the guys stare at my eyes more. Maybe I should do it more often. I like it when people look at me, not my clothes or watch or necklace but really look at me. My  eyes, or my hands when I'm writing, or my arms in the summer when they're not covered with baggy sweater sleeves. It makes me feel like they actually care about me, and not what I have on. Sometimes guys look at me and I can see them trying to take them off in their heads. It disgusts me. Also, I'm reading Eleanor and Park now. It's really good. I just made a Joy Division station on Pandora due to it, because the book takes place in eighty six. Ironically, the first song that played was 'Love Will Tear Us Apart'. And now 'How Soon Is Now' is playing just this second. Weird...

"I am the son... And the heir.... Of nothing in particular..."