"I'm Sorry"

Why do I say "I'm sorry" so much?
I'm always sorry about something
Sorry for laughing too loud
Sorry for crying too much
I feel like I'm always apologizing
for being in the way
being too close
Too clingy
Or too far away.
"You shouldn't hang around him"
"You didn't do this right"
"You have to try harder"
"Sorry", "sorry",
"I'm sorry".
I'm never just right
I'm always that half inch to the left.
I want to feel

Tell me what I'm doing wrong here, please.

Ugh

I wish there were somewhere I could go that's between school and home and all my responsibilities. Somewhere where I could be myself and be alone for a while. Somewhere I can't be yelled at or have to deal with pretending to be sorry for impatient children. I need to get away. Seriously. I feel like someone's scraping my insides out. Very slowly. Taking their time.

I just want to sleep

I just want to drink something that tastes like heaven and as soon as I drink the last drop it lets me sleep for like a week and when I wake up I feel rejuvenated and people are just nicer and I'm better at things in school and I feel worth while. Right now everything sucks and I feel dumb and I feel like a waste of space. Sometimes I don't want to be here at all, but I'm always afraid of saying 'fuck my life' or 'I want to disappear' and then something bad actually happens to me where I die or something. I don't want to die. I just want to feel better. I don't want to have anxiety. I don't want to be horrible at math. I want to be exceptionally smart and I want people to be jealous of my intelligence. I want to feel like I'm worth something. I want to feel better about myself and I just want to be out of high school. It kills me, seeing the same people over and over. The same teachers. The same cliques and the same bull shit. I'm tired of it. I'm tired.

Can the world stop spinning so fast? I'm the only one who can't catch up.

Poem I wrote November 22 2013

Fear rattles my bones,
Turns them cold.
I fear I may harvest this beast until I
grow old.
And if it dies with me,
Then whatever shall I be?
When my skin seeps through the coffin,
Will it find another soul to feast?
My emotions are constantly in a race.
Happiness can never keep the pace.
Anger pushes through 'sad' or 'glad'
And ecstasy is afraid of my veins.
Fear, unfortunately, is always in first
place.

Poem I wrote December 14th 2014

I read
A Japanese legend
That if you can't sleep at night
It's because you're awake
In somebody else's dream,
But if somebody is
Lost enough
As to dream
Of me,
I shall show them
The hell of visions
And nightmares
Under my eyelids,
And ask them,
"Will you still dream of me
Now?"

Poem I wrote In December 2013

Pretty goddess,

Sunken eyes and

They're as green as nightmare skies,

How's your life in that disguise?

How's your life in that disguise?

Nobody knows you because

All you do is lie.

Pretty goddess

You don't realize

Boys and girls look at you 

With far away stares.

They catch each other's sight

And try not to glare,

Everyone wants you to be theirs

Everyone wants you to be theirs.

But I'm not a boy

And I'm not a girl.

I'm as noticeable as the dust 

in the corners of the world

But I'm here

And I'm there

I am truly everywhere,

And I know,

Pretty goddess,

That you're scared.

You're scared.

Poem I wrote December 28th 2013

I was bored.
He said he wanted to come over
And I said
"Why, there's nothing to do here."
He said
"I could wash your hair?
Peel off your clothes?
Bite your neck?"

Poem I wrote January 2 2014

3:59 am
it's almost raining;
Just a drizzle.
I almost want you back,
Just a little,
And it's almost 4 am,
and in a minute
I'll be laying here again,
Pointing out the obvious.

Poem I wrote January 26th 2014

Sometimes I stay up missing you.

It happens more than I'd like it to,

I don't know what I'm supposed to do,

When parts of myself remind me of you.

poem I wrote on february 4th 2014

Ceramic skin
Porcelain again?
I can't win.
I just wanted a friend.

For the boy in the waiting room at the psychologist's office on February 13th 2014

Broken wrist,
Curly hair,
You've intrigued me.
What are you listening to?
What music do you like?
Talk to me.

Dear Mom,

Can you please be happy for me?! Can you at least pretend like you're happy I'm going to this boring ass scholar fair to try to get myself noticed by colleges?! SIU isn't my first choice. It never was. I haven't even been there yet! Cut me some slack, fucks sake....

Stars

Today went okay. Lewis is tutoring me now, which is great, because with his help I feel like I actually have a chance at passing math. Also, I got to talk to Eli, who I had totally forgot went to Wedgewood and played Alto Sax for a year. My mom remembers him. (Probably because of his hair, he's the blondest teenage guy ever, usually hair darkens as you get older and.. Never mind.) but yeah, it was nice to talk to him. I wish I would have asked what college he's going to. When I got home after computer club I was taking to recycling bin to the front of the garage and the lid flew up and hit me in the face. So now my lip is swollen (and cut too, thanks teeth). I hope it goes down tomorrow. I also had a headache from hell after it hit me but it went away after I took some Ibuprofen. Also, today I let Jamie outside around eight o clock, and it was a little chilly outside but the ground soaked up the rain so I walked outside in my house shoes and looked up at the sky. I love it up there. It's weird to think people have actually been up there. We've been to the moon and we've seen the surface of Mars. When I look at the stars it's the only time I feel small and I don't mind. The sky was so dark that they shined ultra bright. I don't know. Some sort of feeling washed over me that I wish would have lasted a little longer, but then she started barking and I had to let her in and it was too cold to take a second look so I simply didn't. I hope at SIU the sky is dark enough to see the stars too.

Algebra 2

I don't know what to do. I talked to my math teacher about my grade (I'm failing) and she said that I just have to keep trying and staying after for tutoring and do everything I'm doing now. She knows I'm trying my hardest. I just wish I could know if I'm going to pass or not so I know what to do and if what I'm doing helps (I mean, it doesn't, because I stay after nearly every day and it doesn't do shit, but idk maybe if I torture myself enough she'll bump my grade up at the end, idk. I know I'm going to fail. I can't do it. I'm trying my hardest and I can still never understand math and I have no idea why because everyone else gets it and passes their tests and then there's me like it always fucking is, in the back saying over and over "I don't get it". I wish I could feel worth while.

Sexual wexual

Also I think I could be bisexual. I don't know. I've thought about it before, but it was middle school. I thought it was a phase or something, and so many websites had things like 'it's normal at your age' and 'it'll go away' but it didn't for me, and idk honestly I'd choose to see a girl naked over a guy anyday because penises look weird I'm so serious. I don't know. I'm not really thinking too hard about it but it just makes me a little sad bc I know what my mom thinks about them and I don't want her to think I'm a freak or something. She probably would though, I mean there's nothing to do about it. Tbh she'd probably hate me if I were gay. Eh..

André

Thank you for talking to me the other day, it didn't help much, but at least it helped a little. Honestly, what really gets to me is that you're doing everything I always wanted my dad to do. It's bittersweet. I just wish he had done the things you're doing now. But thank you nonetheless. It means a lot to me, how much you care.

Dear Dad,

I want you to beg for my forgiveness

Like I have begged for your attention.

How could someone treat me better

In five months

Than you've treated me

In seventeen years?

I've waited for you to come home with roses

And I've waited for you to hug me after work.

I've waited for a gift on Valentine's day

That isn't chocolate

Which I've told you one hundred times

That I hated.

I've waited for you to tell me the good about myself

Instead of picking every bad thing

And hurling it at me

Whenever

You

Get

The

Chance.

I've waited for the love of a father

That I had no idea could be this amazing.

And there's only one reason that it's 99% 

And not 100,

And that's because

It's not you.

Seventeen years .

Karma

If there's a such thing as karma then why hasn't it gotten them yet? Why haven't the people that used to make fun of me gotten made fun of, and why haven't the people that used to do all these terrible things to me gotten what they deserve? I'm tired of taking shit from literally everybody, even my friends. I'm tired of everybody and I want everyone to go away. There's literally a select few people that I like on earth and that's sad. I just want to be alone. I want it to be quiet, and I want there to be sun light, and clear water, and just me. Just me and only me. Nobody understands that. I want to be alone.

I don't feel it deeply anymore.

When a cute guy brushes past me,

or receiving compliments from strangers.

Everybody is hollow.

All brains are squish.

Hearts are just veins & arteries.

Nobody loves.

I can't sleep.

You said you liked my voice,

I like your hair. 

It's wavy and it flips up

From under your hats.

I also really like

Your red sweater.

I like your height.

I like your eyes.

Also when you

Said you liked my voice

I really like yours too.

Sleepover with Indie!

My weekend was really great. Indie came over and spent the night, it was awesome. We basically sang to old disney songs, watched 'Meet The Robinsons', teased Jamie a lot, made Pizza ((Store Pizza) Freschetta's, it was so good, holy shit), and then before bed Indie and I watched The Iron Giant and I remembered how much I adore that movie, wowie. The next day we watched Frozen and chased Jamie around the house. It was awesome, haha. I'm realizing that I should probably spend more time with friends, because I was really happy over the summer when I was out all the time with Nova and other friends, and when school started and we couldn't do that anymore I got really sad. Idk. I need more human interaction, haha. It wasn't all great though, last week I sorta had a breakdown (infront of mom, yikes). She called a psychiatrist and my first meeting is next thursday. I've only told Indie though. Nova probably couldn't handle hearing about it, and I don't want to tell anybody else because I don't want them to think I'm crazy. Anyway, there's a guy in the art class next to my art class, and he's really adorable, and Thursday he said he liked my voice. That really made my day... well week... and a little more. Haha. Also, Monday Indie told me he was looking at me as we were walking down the hall and we passed him up. I want to talk to him, I've only heard his voice once, and that was when he complemented me. He wears this red sweater a lot and it looks amazing on him, I want to tell him that, but I'd probably sound extremely creepy.... Also, Monday, my counselor got me a prom dress! It's beautiful! It's red and has tons of layered tulle. Honestly, it's almost just like how I pictured my prom dress as a child, except it was going to be light baby pink, but oh well, it's still absolutely stunning. I feel so indebted to her, seriously. I feel like that with Indie too because a week ago her mom paid for both of us to go to Bread Co and I haven't even paid her back >< I feel so bad. I really want to take her to Noodle Company in the loop because they're friggen brilliant and she's never had it. But yeah, I haven't written in a while so I wanted to update you. Also, blogger is seriously my new diary, I haven't written in my diary since early January. Oops, haha.