Music to my ears

Wednesday I'm going to take a test to see if theres anything wrong with me. The test is six hours. It's a behavioral test. It's how they diagnose depression and stuff. Sounds like something I'd be associated with. I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual now. Straight girls don't dream of kissing girls they saw in the hallway at a college tour. I just don't know what to do. All this anxiety and depression shit I have to deal with, and now this stupid sexuality bull shit. I wish I could just be a normal teenager. Ugh. Tomorrow is Monday. I've been on spring break. Thursday I had a college tour. It was amazing! I went to SIUC. Carbondale is really nice, It's a quiet small town. Like college towns usually are. I really like it there. I'm totally going to siuc. They accepted me and everything, which is great. Now I just have to do those final steps. I'm excited. Haha. It's a downer because I have to buy so much stuff for my dorm now. I don't have any money. Dad probably wont help me because he hardly ever does so why bother. I found so much new music today too. Teen Suicide, Elvis Depressedly, Neck Deep, new stufff from Brand New, Starry Cat, etc. They're great. I forgot to put elvis depressedly on my mp3 player. Ffs...

blogger

This is the only place I can put my thoughts without worrying about anybody seeing it. That's pretty sad.

I don't mean this

I hate you. You're no different from the rest and I hate you. You're not funny and you're not damaged. Go away go away go away.

work :(

I deally don't want to go to work today.

On other notice, church today sorta made me think. I really wish I were baptised later in life, under my own watch, and because I really wanted to. I was baptised at two years old. I didn't even know who the hell God was, and why the priest was trying to 'drown' me. It sucks that I didn't get a choice. 

Shit rice for dinner

It makes my head hurt

My head is so heavy

I can't keep my chin up.

Your words resonate

Like a clock striking twelve

My head was on cloud nine 

Now I feel like I'm stuck in hell

And the demons aren't people

They're all of your self doubts

When you're living with them 

It gets even harder to shut them out.

You again (Him again)

I don't know why I thought spilling my fears to you would make you want to talk to me again. I just have to pretend to not be sad that you didn't say more to me when I said hi to you today. I have to pretend to not be bothered by you not asking me if I was okay during school. I want you to notice me. Why can't I exist to you at school too?

Ps: You don't help someone at twelve am who you don't care about. Are we friends? If we are, why wont you say any more than 'hey' to me at school? Are you embarassed of me?

You. (Him).

It's raining really hard right now

Sneak through the back door and come up stairs.

No, I'm not asleep, you're fine.

Will you put your arms around me?

If you're cold I have extra blankets

(Honestly, I have too many blankets

And not enough 'you' to share them with)

Come closer

Come closer

Come closer

I don't care if your hair

Is still wet from the rain

I'd rather shiver with you

Than be too warm and alone again.

Running away?

Today would be the perfect day to finally disappear. I've been thinking about it. Running away. I don't want to be anywhere anymore. I don't even want to be around myself. If I could just take my soul and leave my body, I would. I'm tired of hurting everyone around me. I'm sick of myself.

Muse

Thanks for listening to me. You're great. Most of the time I talk about you it's in spite of the past, and I need to stop doing that. I have to forgive you or I'll always be mad. All I know is that tonight I was crying really hard and you were one of the only people still up to listen, and that means a lot to me. I tried your number first because I wanted you to be the one to help, so I guess that's saying something too. Basically, before I go off on a tangent, thanks for listening. It means a lot to me.

Ughhhhhh

I don't even want to be around myself anymore. I disgust myself. I'm a bitch, and I'm lonely, and annoying. Why am I here? I feel like I don't deserve to live.

Work

I went to work today. It was actually really fun, really great. Even though I was cramping really bad, I had a lot of fun. I got to work in the front today, and I got to greet people that walked in and showed them where stuff was. I was pretty good at that, actually. I wasn't really going to type today but this girl walked in and I didn't think much at first, but when she put the dress on that she ordered, man, I don't know. She was beautiful. Her bangs framed her face like Ariel, and her french braid was messy, but perfect. She was really cute, had a really cute face, auburn hair, cute nose. Seeing her in her dress was the highlight of my day. It was as red as red could be, and it made her hair look brighter. The front and back were both in a V, and it was lacy. I wish I'd sneaked a picture. Damn it. It took me a while to get her out of my head. Everything's starting to fade now. I was blushing about her face a couple hours ago. Now I can't remember what color her eyes were.

The little things

The Little Things by Colbie Callait has been stuck in my head. I wanted to write about a lot of stuff but I can't really remember what anymore. I have a tutor in math now, his name is Lewis, he's cool. I may actually pass the class thanks to his help, which is awesome. Also, apparently I'm not supposed to take sleeping pills because of my asthma? Idk. I have before and nothing happened and I've been taking Nyquill since I was a little kid and trust me I had it a lot worse then, so if anything were going to happen it would have happened by now. Also I really want to see a... Uhh... Whats the word.....chiropractor, because my back hurts a lot more lately. And it pops a lot. I'm like an old lady. Also my chest hurts a lot right now and I've been craving Lucky Charms a lot lately.

Ps: Today in third hour apparently my friend Cole said he had a dream that Carmen and I were kidnapped and George was batman. Odd. Haha.

Stretch

I need to stretch my skin out for a bit and put it back in place. Nothing feels like it's in the right place.

The Senior Project

I really hate my senior project. I loathe it. It takes up so much time and I donmt even know what I'm doing. It costs more to make a dress than it does to buy one nowadays and thats really pathetic. I should have made something else like a skirt or somethigg. Maybe a purse. I'm never making a dress with these conditions ever again.

God fixes everything?

I haven't prayed in a while. Lately when I go to bed I hit the pillow and I don't wake up until 5:20 the next morning. And the time between that when I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm usually struck with such bad anxiety I don't even think of it. I wish I were on medication. I know it looks bad on life insurance forms but I really need help and they say God fixes everything but how? I want to feel something.