Indie's Home!

Indie's back from her vacation. I saw her the day she got back. Literally. Like an hour after they pulled into the driveway I was at their house. (Courtesy of Ethan, of course). I'm glad I got to see her so early. She got me an Oklahoma tee shirt, a Burberry bag, and a really nice cubic zirconia necklace. I feel really great, but also a little bad about it, because she spends so much on me, and I haven't done much in return ><" Also because Nova barely got anything, haha. But I don't feel as bad about that honestly. She doesn't deserve much from Indie. I think Indie deserves more from Nova, honestly. but I wont get into that. It's in the past....

I'm glad Indie's back. Tomorrow she and I and Rei are going to Dave & Busters. I'm a little indifferent to going honestly. Dave and Busters is one of those places where you can only really have fun if you're loaded with money. Literally. Unless you hit the jackpot like four times in a row or something, which just doesn't happen. Ever. And certainly not to me. I don't know. I feel like I'm going to end up crying over something stupid and ruining it for everybody because I'll be the only person without money. Like the time at the mall. Except I didn't cry. Hahah... ha....

Alcohol

So yesterday night I spent the night at Nova's house and had a Strawberrita. It was alright, it tasted like bitter strawberry soda. I got a bit drunk too actually, but it was actually pretty fun letting loose for just one night. Nova and I sang to songs all night and stuff and took a lot of pictures and videos. It was really fun. I felt like a teenager. I felt alive.

We never ended up making those bracelets she said we were going to make, though, which sucks, but it's okay, always next time. In two weeks I'll be in Carbondale for SIUC. I'm scared. This billing thing came in today and I don't know what to do with it. Mom's not in the best mood because we went shopping today. Lately I've been asking her for a lot and I feel bad. I need to stop.

At first when I told Indie she was really upset but we talked about it and worked it out. I was crying pretty bad though. I thought she may not want to be friends with me anymore and I freaked out. But I'm glad that's over. Haha. That was enough anxiety for a week.

I got a Calvin Klein Jean Jacket from Avalon shop. I'm in love. Heart eyes emoji. Mmmm. ♡♡♡♡

Mixed emotions about Prozac

I can tell that the prozac is working because it's really hard to worry about things and I'm chipper more than ever and I zone out all the time. Also I listen to happier music and my voice sounds a lot higher. Also I feel happier too, and little things make me happy, like hugs and when people smile at me. I don't know. It's weird being like this though because sometimes I get so happy I don't know what to do with myself and it's odd because it's not really my happiness, it's prozac's fake happiness, and when I think of it that way... I don't know. I should just not think about it at all honestly because I don't want to over think things but it's weird feeling like this I guess. Also, I only have two more counseling sessions and I'm pretty upset about it. I'm really going to miss my counselor. I'm probably going to cry on the last day, haha. I wish I had enough money to buy her something. I think if I could I'd buy her a plant. That way it isn't something materialistic and perishable, like clothes or something. I have an aloe vera plant. The one I got from walmart that one day with mom? I still have him and he's really healthy. His name is Thayer. Or did you know what already?

Heroin

I guess I'm just mad because I thought I knew you and I still don't fucking know you at all. I can see you as a junior dating Nova when she and I were freshman. Were you doing it then? You said you witnessed a friend doing it and you felt bad for him. I remember you telling me that. So why would you? It just hurts knowing someone I went to highschool with is or was putting heroin in his veins. I just don't get it. And the thing is, a friend told me earlier this year that you were doing Heroin and I only half believed him because I trusted him but I trusted you too. I trusted the belief that you were too smart to touch that shit but I guess I'm not too bright either right? I don't know what to think of you and I don't have anything to say to you. Your poetry is amazing and you're wise for your age, you've given me advice a lot in the past and I appreciate that. You kept me company and I kept you company too via telephone on long nights. But heroin? I can't deal with that. You shouldn't have to either.

Eh...

Lately my mom has been talking to me a lot about tattoos and stuff and telling me "Don't ruin your beautiful skin" and stuff like that and like I don't know. I know she's getting crazy about it because I'm going to be on my own with my own money soon but idk like I don't want sleeves or anything, but I do want at least one tattoo :( I mean it wasn't going to be anything dumb or distasteful... I don't know. And that's not all either, idk. There's so much I want to do that I know she doesn't want me to do, and I hate going against her wishes, but there's just so much...

For instance, I'm finally getting my hair colored wednesday, I'm so excited, I'm going to get light brown streaks in the front, but look how long it took for me to finally get that done, you know what I mean?

And honestly, eh, I feel dumb even typing this but... I want to experiment..... sexually... in college. And well, eh.....

It would be nice to know if I ended up kissing a girl she wouldn't lose her shit or anything ><"

I hate that she's squeamish and unbearably disrespectful about those things. She's never going to understand. And she wont even try to understand because she's too stubborn. It's sad, really. But whatever.

Whatever.

Fireworks

I saw the fireworks today with Nova and Vanessa's friend and mother. It was really cool. I liked this year more than last year because mom wasn't there rushing me and yelling at me. Last fourth.... Ugh. This one was a lot better. I may carpool more often.