WOAH!!

On the way here with Robert We ran into this guy playing guitar and I told him it was my birthday so he said "come here" and sang happy birthday to me with the guitar :D i hugged him afterwards too mmm it was the coolest thing ever ahh ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Weight

Honestly, lately I haven't been feeling like myself. I've been feeling a little down because I feel like I'm gaining weight. I really hate it, haha. Also, I don't have a scale so I can't weigh myself and I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know how much I weigh. I feel like I could be anywhere from 110 lbs to 113, which freaks me out because over the summer I was around 107 lbs most of the time. I really like being able to weigh myself after I eat so I know what I can and can't eat for the day. Like if I weigh a lot in the morning, I know I should eat lighter that day, and if I weigh less I know I can have something nice, you know? Now I never know. And I can't trust my judgement, I mean, I feel like I look disgusting. My stomach is awful. It's poking out more than ever and I hate it. I don't know what to do. My confidence is literally being sucked out of me day by day. If I didn't hate the taste of vomit so much I'd probably be bulimic by now.

Tie Dye

Turns out I really am going to be alone on my birthday. It really sucks. I mean Josh and Robert will be here but ehh it's not the same as having the whole group. Maybe the three of us will end up doing something. Today I'm doing this tie dye thing, I'm pretty excited.

College

College is just as hard as I thought it would be, but it's definitely more fun than I thought it would be. I seriously love my friends here. They're the best. :)

Muse

Anyone who says you escape highschool in college is lying, because I can still hear your voice and i still feel the last hug you gave me. I still remember the time you helped me feel better at twelve am when everybody else was asleep. I remember you. You were all I studied in high school and I fucking hate it. I hate that you have this invincible grasp one but when I get out it's going to be fucking amazing. And thats why i have to try.

Fuck

I'm so sorry I can't be the girl you want me to be

I'm sorry that you see me as a waterfall of gold,

And I see myself as a fake half penny

I feel worthless and definitely not worth while,

And you feel I'm worth the universe and then some.

You're wonderful and miraculous and 

I can't love you the way you want me to

because you deserve every drop of love around, 

so much more than me 

and the fact you'd settle for this 

rips me apart, 

But you still call

And you don't let me fall,

And I fucking swear I've never paid anyone back

But I will try to love you enough,

And I wont fight the drowning sensation I get when I gaze in your eyes,

Because I'm not as beautiful as the galaxy,

But you say my name like it's a hymn,

And you make me feel like I'm not a waste of space dust floating in the cosmos,

And when I'm with you I feel more alive than I ever did smoking with losers who didn't know my name.

I'll die before I tell you I don't love you,

And I live to see your 5am smiles

Bedhead hair, half closed eyes, 

slow breaths...

Fun

Today was fun. The gang and I watched Captain America 2 and it was insanely good. 5 out of 5 stars. Effects were amazing, acting was amazing, it was awesome haha. Afterwards, Anna, Josh, Rob and I went to trueblood for food, but Josh and I just got drinks. It was pretty fun. Lately, Josh has been having trouble with his girlfriend. I hope they stay together. Also, Indie may be coming to visit in october. I'm happy.

Tablet

It's really cool that SIUC gave us Windows tablets because now I can post to blogger from anywhere! Righ now I'm in this mandatory freshman class. It's probably going to be boring... I can't wait until I can eat....

Fun

Today was super fun. Meg, Nathan, Celeste, Rob, Josh and I went to Quatros for pizza and split a bill, which was really cool. The walk there was awesome, honestly, and I'm not the walking type, haha. When we got back we tried to go to the saluki step up but it was full, so we went to Meg and I's dorm and watched Thor, which was awesome. We also went to this event at the student center, but we ditched it eventually because it was pretty lame honestly. Now we're at my dorm again, waiting on Josh so we can watch a movie. I'm having a lot of fun here. I wish it could stay like this.

"Everything's gonna be fine"

Everything's turning out fine here at campus. I even have a circle of friends, and I haven't even been here 48 hours, haha. Meg, Nathan, Josh, Rob, and hmmm.... I forgot the other girl's name but they're all really cool. And Meg is a really cool room mate, I like her a lot. The first night sucked ass, I'm not gonna lie. I cried all night and most of this morning. But today I met Nathan and all the others and when Meg asked me to hang out with them I said yes and they cheered! Can you believe that? Haha. It made me feel really great about myself. So we played pool and I learned to play too. I'm not that good at it yet but I'll get there. Tomorrow we have to wake up at seven though, so I'm gonna go. There's an assembly we have to go to. Meh.

Why do I keep fucking up so bad? I seriously can't do anything right. Now I can't leave for college until Saturday because of me. I feel pathetic.

Snowy

I can't find my favorite stuffed animal, 'Snowy'. I'm really torn up about it. She was supposed to go to college with me and everything. I also just spent 20 dollars for six socks. Today's been a shitty day.

Deteriorating

It's weird having to see my mom like this. Confused and downright slow sometimes, like a computer with a virus. I know she tries to laugh about it and dismiss it as getting older, but I wish she'd realize that this could actually be serious. I feel like she may have alzheimer's disease or something. It's just weird. She mixes up words and talks a little slow sometimes. Her grammar has gotten bad and she forgets how to spell simple words. I don't know what's happening to her. I just know I don't like it.