I wanna cry

I also wanna laugh.

I want to slit my wrists

I also want to watch tv and laugh a little

I don't think I'm suicidal,

I just often feel like killing myself

I can't, though.

I pinky promised.

Reading again

I'm rereading Looking For Alaska. I started rereading it for my book, "The Life And Times Of Hana Soul Grimely", but then  I actually got into it and now I think I'm reading it more for me than my book. Which is okay too, because I can always take notes if I need to. I didn't think I would like reading books on my computer, but I actually love it. It's nice being able to change the paper and the fonts, and being able to read and listen to music or anything else. It's really nice. I plan on buying The Perks Of Being A Wallflower next. It's six dollars on ibooks. Nice...

Sometimes I want to overdose just to feel something.

I often fantasize about taking one prozac, and another, and another.

I often wonder how many aleve pills it would take for me to black out...

I often wonder are there golden gates,

Or are there just nebulas and stars,

I don't want to die.

I just want to feel something. 

I swear that's all it is.

I feel so numb

Ugh

I feel the massive need to sob

But they're stuck in my chest

Maybe that's why my lungs have been whistling

And my chest hurts when I breathe

I miss my friends. 

I miss having company

But I know as soon as I'm back there,

I'll want to be home again.

Mom

I wish I knew how to make you happy. It seems like you're always upset about something, and I know it's not me, but I can't help but feel like there's something I'm not doing that I should be doing to help. I hate this so much. I know I'm moody, but you're really not any better at this point. Everyone sees it, we're just not bringing it up.... I don't know. This keyboard cover is annoying to type with so I guess this is it.

Why marry someone you don't love?

Peolonging the curse...

You're a broken record.

Repeating yourself when you get stuck

Getting stuck when you get mad

Getting mad when things don't go your way.

Sad.

You're sad and you're making me worse

Prolonging the curse...

Good... for now

I bought the sims 3 today, it's still downloading though (It's taking forever, ugh). Christmas break is actually going pretty good. If dad keeps his word, we'll go Christmas shopping Saturday, which is really cool. Also I have a macbook pro now, I don't know if I mentioned that. I bought one on the first of December and I opened it when I got home (Four days ago or so).  But yeah. I wish It could stay like this...

...

I can't sleep again.

Caving in

I think the reason I was so depressed before was because I practically lived in my room. I'm realizing that human interaction isn't that bad, and talking to people actually helps my depression. Now that I'm home and there's not someone always there, I feel more depressed than ever. Idk. I feel like the walls are caving in around me...

So It Goes

I'm just not used to being home, I suppose. I'm not used to laying in bed with nothing but the tick tock of a clock across the room, and not even that nowadays, considering my alarm clock is at my dorm. I'm here for five weeks, it's 10:24, and I am alone. I'm simply not used to it. I feel the need to constantly be around people, even though I may not talk to them, simply the sound of life around me down the hall and around the corner, it's soothing. I now wake up to birds and sunlight, not yelling from down the hall and anxiety about my next test, which should be pleasing, but I'm finding it awfully boring. I've become so accustomed to my anxiety that life is boring without it. That extra drama that college drowns me in. But like getting used to the dorm life, I will become unused to it, and I'll have to become used to it all over. So with that being said, in the wise, golden words of Kurt Vonnegut, "So it goes".

Robert

I really don't want you to leave.
I'm going to hold a grudge against that airport for years
It's not even the airport's fault, but I'll hate it forever
Just because it allowed you to go.
I really don't want you to leave.
Nothing will be the same without you
and every other funny video on youtube
every funny face
will remind me of you
and how you wouldn't be here.
I really don't want you to leave.
Because the guy that's going to room with your roommate
will never be you
and he's going to try so hard to be,
and he'll try to make it easier for us,
but in the end he'll only make it worse.
I really don't want you to leave
but I know you have to
so I guess I'll just have to grin and bear it.
I really don't want you to leave,
but I definitely want you to be happy.
That's all I really want for you, honestly.
And if leaving is the only way,
then leaving is the way it'll stay.

Christmas Card

Am I a bad person? I feel like one. I've often wondered how teenagers feel after cursing out a sibling and regretting it, or stealing and wishing they hadn't. I know what that feels like now.

I don't know how to make myself feel better this time. Should I even try? I haven't felt this depressed in a while, I know that much. And no, I don't want to talk to my mom about it. I don't want to talk to any siblings about it. Can't talk to Josh about it because he doesn't even want to see me right now. Ah. Maybe I've been the bad friend all along? I think this semester would have turned out better if I'd have never played pool with them. I must really work better alone, because I always fuck up. It's inevitable. I seriously don't know what to do at this point. 

I didn't even get him a cool christmas present.

HONESTLY THE WORDS "I LOVE YOU" CLAWED AT MY THROAT AND YOU WERE HUGGING ME SO TIGHT AND WHISPERING SO GENTLY TO ME YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE BEEN COOING TO ME "SAY IT SAY IT". THEY ALMOST CAME OUT LIKE WORD VOMIT BUT I JUST WOULDN'T LET THEM OUT. IT WOULD CHANGE THE WHOLE GOD DAMN GAME AND I CAN'T DO THAT TO YOU I JUST CAN'T. I'M SORRY I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU. I'M SO SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.

:/

I can't help but feel like this is sorta my fault. Everyone's so tense now... I wish I weren't such a crybaby. I should have just kept my mouth shut. Ugh..... Tonight was nothing short of... A group of friends imploding together. I feel like all of us keep inhaling and inhaling but we can never exhale out the stuff thats bothering us. Like someone blowing a baloon until it bursts. Idk. Everyone's well past their breaking points and everyone knows it. I feel like everyone will be fine after christmas break, but what if we aren't? What if we're all stuck like this? Broken records. Scratched cds...