Sarah

Why can't you let things go? Let me be me. I shouldn't even still have to blog about this. I shouldn't have to feel like this. I shouldn't. I shouldn't.

Today is a great day and I suppose if I want it to be magnificent it has the potential to be, and I do.

Nathan

Please let me in.
It's not 'nothing', and you know it.
Why are you hiding from me?
I hope you know that you
can trust me enough to tell me what you need to.
I'm past the point in my life
where I blame myself for things,
(mostly),
So I know it isn't me,
but you can go from being perfectly fine
to being pissed, snappy, and unsatisfied
and I don't know what has made you this way.

If there's something, anything I can do,
let me know.

Oh

I'm back in Carbondale but the person I've missed the most I can't even see. I feel in place but not right. What is wrong? Can I afford this and is it a good idea? I love Muse. His eyes still burn me when they're locked on to me. It hurts so magnificently. Why why why? And I still have feelings for Eric. He's the light that never went out... Do I deserve a light? Neither of them want me. I love this. What great agony. Tease me and fuck me up. I'm buzzed and sad and I feel stupid. I hated my childhood but I wish I could be eight again. I want to play in Benton park and feel the clean breeze in my hair. I want Marie to play with Ethan and I and help me cross the monkey bars. I want one of the good days when dad was in a good mood and mom wasn't scared of him. I want one of those days one more time because I swear to God there are sobs clawing out of me and thinking of that dumb playground I used to love is the only thing chaining them down to the deep of my chest. I cannot breathe for I am overcome with the feeling that then wasn't as bad as I thought, but it was, and moving forward is the key but it's so damn hard. I'm trying so hard, I promise. And i'll try to be okay, but no promises. I'm going to sleep now. 

Eric

woah

Muse

when the fuck wont i have feelings for you?
it's like your eyes see right through me
what do you think of me
what am i to you exactly i want to know
please don't mess with my head

Tie dye cat shirt lady

An older lady walked into Pier 1 the other day wearing a white tee shirt featuring a tie dye print cat. Moments later, she was walking around the store with one of our big fluffy pillows, the kind that I've honestly wanted for quite some time. When I talked to her about it she mentioned that it reminded her of a security blanket, which surprised me. If she knew about secutiry blankets, that must mean she was an anxious individual. Sometimes I forget that older people have anxiety and depression too. I suggested one of our twinking spheres to her and she ended up getting one of those too. I don't know why, but that lady's been in my head all day. I hope she's okay.

Eric

Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want me. I'll fuck off forever. Until then, I'm gonna keep trying, and there's nothing but that you can say or do to make me say otherwise.

Airplanes

It's been storming off and on all day, which has been nice.
It's dark outside and I keep seeing planes take off, the light flickering through the open blinde shades covering my window. And another one! You know, I bet they all got delayed from the storm, and now they're all taking off now. That's a bit funny to me honestly. Still, I wonder where they're going. I wish I could get away.

Dad

I'm mad at you.

hey i'm a little drunk and i can't stop thinking about friday because i really fuckng want to kiss you but i don't think that's what you want anymore and i don't know if you want me. no matter how much i want you to want me you probably still wont so maybe i'll just give up. you say i deserve better but i think you're the better that i deserve. i can't convince you though. please just kiss me. feel me up

I saw the face of the fucked up person that raped one of my best friends today.

I am disgusted.

NOBODY THINKS I CAN FUCKING HANDLE MYSELF THAT'S WHAT BOTHERS ME THE FUCKING MOST.

A text to Eric after he asked if I'd ever thought of anyone sexually

You probably wont like hearing this but honestly, mostly girls. I think about kissing them on the lips, neck, collarbones. I think about where to put my hands, run them through her hair, or run them somewhere else. I think about the sweet spot that makes her back arch, her thighs tremble. I think about teasing them with my fingertips and tongue; making them beg, making them cum. Hard. I think about their breasts and soft tummies, fluttering hearts. I think about their little satisfied whimpers and massive pleasured moans. 

Eric... Boys in generL?

I HATE SEX. It grosses me out. Thinking about being penetrated by a penis or eating a girl out makes me wanna barf! I don't know why, it just bothers me. 

FUCKING STAB ME IN THE CHEST.

WHAT IF THIS IS A MISTAKE?
WHAT IF I GET TIRED OF YOU?
WHAT IF I GET TIRED OF ME?
IT'S NOT FAIR FOR ME TO DO THIS TO YOU OH MY GOD
I'M DOING IT AGAIN
I'M RUINING IT AGAIN

Eric

The thing is, is that this whole thing hit me like a freight train and I don't know if I'm going to get back up from this one. I thought about you all day today, so much in fact that it stopped me from performing my best at work. I shouldn't be thinking about you the way I have been, though. I shouldn't be thinking about kissing you, not even hard and lustful but soft and sweet. I haven't felt desire like this in years, Eric. I don't know what to do with this feeling. You say you're not good for me and you try to pull away, but you're still a light. You're the light that never went out, and I love that. It's comforting. I want more of it. I want more of you. 

Eric

Is it okay for me to let myself have feelings for you again? My mind is telling me absolutely not, but my heart's saying something else. Cliché, I know. I guess me breaking up with you was a mistake. Yes, I admit it. I wish I knew Junior year of high school what I know now, Eric. I really do, because then I wouldn't have broke it off so suddenly, especially how I did it (sorry for breaking up with you over the phone. Bitch move, dude. Seriously sorry about that). Ugh. Plus would telling you this even make a difference? For all I know, you could have moved on... Ugh I should just stop. Keeo moving forward... Keep moving forward...

Mom.

It pisses me off that you remind me to clean the bathroom on days when you know that I have to work literally all fucking day

it pisses me off that we don't have any money and i have to work day and night just so that I can have money to spend for myself

it pisses me off that whenever i try to make pans with somebody it's such a huge deal to you and you have to know everything that's going on before you can just let me go do it.

I'm eighteen, you know? Sometimes I just with that I had a little more control over my life versus feeling like I'm fifteen all the time, having to ak permission to do just about everything.

.......Indie

i don't know how else to say it
i want you
i want to feel you up
and dress you down
and braid your hair while you fall asleep
I feel like I could be normal with you
being with you is like
a phone being plugged into an outlet
when it's on 1%
I just feel better and better and
better.