Oh

I'm back in Carbondale but the person I've missed the most I can't even see. I feel in place but not right. What is wrong? Can I afford this and is it a good idea? I love Muse. His eyes still burn me when they're locked on to me. It hurts so magnificently. Why why why? And I still have feelings for Eric. He's the light that never went out... Do I deserve a light? Neither of them want me. I love this. What great agony. Tease me and fuck me up. I'm buzzed and sad and I feel stupid. I hated my childhood but I wish I could be eight again. I want to play in Benton park and feel the clean breeze in my hair. I want Marie to play with Ethan and I and help me cross the monkey bars. I want one of the good days when dad was in a good mood and mom wasn't scared of him. I want one of those days one more time because I swear to God there are sobs clawing out of me and thinking of that dumb playground I used to love is the only thing chaining them down to the deep of my chest. I cannot breathe for I am overcome with the feeling that then wasn't as bad as I thought, but it was, and moving forward is the key but it's so damn hard. I'm trying so hard, I promise. And i'll try to be okay, but no promises. I'm going to sleep now.