Map (?)

Why do I feel so disconnected from people, but they intrigue me so much? I'm constantly observing others, but at the same time, I feel like I'm not there, or if I am, they don't want me to be. That could be entirely untrue, but it's how I feel and how I've felt for ages. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel normal around people again... I can't remember a time I did, honestly. I've always been an outsider. it's just what happened, I don't know. If I really wanted to I could probably find the root of the problem but I don't think I could handle it. I know it has to do with the period between second through fourth grade because oddly enough, those are the times I started to realize I was different.... I've gotta map this out.