Pick

Maybe my picking at my cuticles is my own way of self harm? It hurts in the best way, it kinda feels soothing. I like the feeling of ripping the skin, feeling it rip from deep layers of flesh, sometimes even hearing the noise of the tear. It's thrilling, but it hurts afterwards, and I have to cover my fingers up with bandaids when they bleed and ooze plasma, and I can't paint my nails. I'm ashamed that I pick at my cuticles until they bleed and throb with pain but I can't stop. Why not?