Josh

Brianna got to have so much time with you, don't you understand? She got to hold you at night and kiss you and be the first and last thought on your mind and she never even fucking deserved it. She fucked up, she cheated, she made you vulnerable and terrified. She made you doubt your own fucking instincts, your worth. I can't help but fucking hate her. She turned you into somebody I didn't even fucking know, and whenever you were sad, guess who helped? Sarah. Sarah helped, and then there was me who could never fucking seem to get through to you. Not to mention I waited just like Sarah did. I waited so fucking long, and I still didn't get to have you in the end. That part isn't Brianna's fault, but I'm still fucking mad at her for it because I never even got the fucking chance, dude. I feel like I let you down. I feel like I wasn't enough because I wasn't the one you chose when that bitch fucked you over. She fucking ruined everything, she even tried to ruin you, and I fucking love you. I love you. I never wanted to see you that hurt. I never wanted you to be that miserable, but what could I do? I loved you, but you loved her. It's been so painful, all of it. Watching her hurt you, watching you fall out of love with her and in love with Sarah. I watched it all unravel before my eyes and there was nothing I could do because I never even stood a chance. Why did I ever think I did? Fucking kill me.

Chartering Ceremony

Sorry for not writing in a while, I've had so much homework. It's been awful.

Today was the chartering ceremony for my friend's fraternity, Alpha Sigma Phi. I'm really happy for them. They looked so proud up there in their suits and whatnot. They're at the fraternity's party right now, probably getting wasted. Sarah, Ryan and I didn't go, though. Sarah went back to the dorms apparently, and Ryan and I ended up looking for everyone's Christmas gifts. Although, something surprising happened..... I actually went on a date with him! It was odd, because last year, idk, it just seemed like he he hated my guts, haha. Regardless, it was honestly a lot of fun. Hanging out with Ryan's always really thrilling because he's so spontaneous. I wish he knew how amazing of a guy he really is. He has severe depression, so he's usually not that happy. Kinda like me with my anxiety. I'm always scared, haha. Oh well. I used to be constantly scared and sad, but at least now it's just scared, right? Eh... that's not much better.

Anyway, I may be on academic probation next year. I'm nervous about that, because if I don't get above a C average GPA, that's where I'm headed, and then I'd be forced to go to tutoring and all this other stuff and I'd feel like a total loser. I mean, I already kinda feel like that, but... more so I suppose.  

Also, I'm still trying to get over Josh. It's difficult. Sometimes when I see the way he looks at Sarah, I just get so sad. It's like a dagger to the heart sometimes. I just need to get over it. If I were supposed to be with him I would be but..... I waited and waited and..... I never even had a chance.

Dad

I'm not your fucking slave. I'm going to get over this, and you'll wish that you never treated me the way you did. Fuck you. Fuck everything you did to me and my family. I'm so fucking tired of putting so much energy over hating you. Feeling like I want to vomit because of how angry I am at you constantly. You haunt me in every way there is to haunt a person. I'm tired of it. I'm so fucking tired.

christmas

It's really hard to explain emotional and verbal abuse, especially to someone who's never gone through it. It's even worse when it's different circumstances that are hard to grasp, like the difference between emotional abuse from a parent versus emotional abuse from a boy or girl friend or even husband. Sometimes, these abusive people in our lives, we're stuck with them until the bitter end whether we want to be or not. Sometimes these people ruin events for us, birthdays, certain locations, holidays, or more. Please don't make it worse for them by making them feel bad for disliking certain things because of the abuser, or constantly asking "why don't you like this or that" when they clearly don't want to answer, etc. If someone was so terrible to them in the past that it entirely ruined something so important as a holiday or something, you'd think that they'd leave it alone or think a little harder before making them feel like shit for disliking it.