Chris P

I get the feeling that I'm going to tear you apart, and you're going to let me. I don't want to do this to you, but you're not necessarily holding me back. I'm a dangerous person to fall in love with. Not only will I doubt you, but I doubt myself. I'm never secure. I'd wear a bulletproof vest while riding a bike if it were acceptable because helmets aren't enough for me. I'm always taking extra precautions. I'll never let you in enough for you to feel okay around me. It's just how I am. Things for me, they either happen all at once or never at all. That's how I know I'll never love you, not the way you love me, at least. I'm sorry. I wish I could love you, because I'd be so happy. I know that your heart is warm... I just don't love you. If I did, it wouldn't matter anyway. Sooner or later... nevermind.

Zach

Today, I saw you
and my stomach didn't drop,
I held a conversation with you
and didn't get butterflies
your eyes didn't paralyze me
I am slowly breaking free
from your grasp,
and it feels like I'm
missing something,
but also it is rejuvenating,
and I feel like soon
I will you see you
and maybe, just maybe
I wont feel anything at all.

Zach

I will never understand you or how you work. You will never understand me or how I work, either. Frankly, I don't think you deserve to anymore. I was about to give you everything, that's the scariest thing about all of this. Do you even understand how scary that is? I doubt it. I doubt you've ever had your heart crushed, so how could you understand? I'm right, I know it. I think I've figured out something! You've never let yourself  be entirely vulnerable in somebody else's arms before, have you? You've never truly fully put yourself out there, so how could you understand how I feel? You're so into yourself that you probably didn't even notice how my eyes lit up when I saw you. Good. They never should have. You said that I wasn't a bother. You said a lot of things I didn't believe like that I was the prettiest girl on campus. Or that I was talented when I drew that shitty sketch on your notepad. I bet you took my butterfly sticker off your door. I bet when you get back you're going to rip out those notes and rewrite them on something I haven't touched. I bet you'll wash your sheets and comforter. I hope you do. Please. Erase me entirely from your life. Just know that I'm taking myself back from you. You don't get to keep me, you don't have the right. I feel there's a shard that slipped away sometime between the lies or the long hugs at three am, and it's calling me; It wants to come home. I don't trust you anymore. I never should have, and I know that now. I wish I'd known it sooner. You were nothing but a learning experience. Sure, I'll see you around campus more than likely. You'll probably try to avoid me, but there's not much you can do. I'll be ready to look you in the eyes and then pretend I didn't see you at all. I'll be ready to disregard you entirely. I'm ready for you to leave. I'm ready for you to delete me on facebook. I know now that you wont respond to my texts. That you wont call back. That you never had intentions to. I know not to rely on you anymore. I know now that you're not worth my time, and more importantly, that to you, I was never worth your time from the beginning. I never had a chance, but that's okay. I'll have chances with other guys, with other girls. With people that truly want to be with me. People that want me not just when it's convenient to them. People that wont leave me hanging day after day. So yes, I'm ready. I can't be bothered to cry over you anymore. I can't be too upset to eat, I can't cry myself to sleep anymore over you. My body wont let me. I've had enough. I will not be miserable over somebody who treats me like dust.

Zach

OH MY GOD. Who even are you, haha. I feel like I should have been friends with you for a lot longer than I have at this point. We have so much in common, it's crazy. I'm only really writing this because I have an hour to kill until lab. Anyway, I feel so comfortable around you. Whenever I hug you or I'm next to you, I feel like our souls are talking to each other. If I'm close enough to you I swear I can feel electricity in my skin. It's odd and exciting, a bit addicting. You said last night that you were drawn to me. What does that mean, exactly? Am I a human magnet for you? Haha, ah, that's an odd way to word that. You know what I mean. I also thought it was really funny how you have an alarm that makes you solve 6 equations, solve a square puzzle, retype a long complex code, and you were still able to go back to sleep. Waking up with you was definitely as fun as it was interesting. Getting to see your mind wake up slowly, seeing how sharp your intellect is. I couldn't solve several foil equations in a row every morning if my life depended on it, haha. I'd sit there and cry as the alarm got louder. There's a lady behind me talking about some really deep stuff about selflessness and giving, and I feel like if you were here you'd totally be eavesdropping with me, haha. She keeps talking about helping humanity. If I weren't sick, I'd turn around and agree with her, try to keep up. Unfortunately, my throat is on fire and I have absolutely no energy. It would have been beneficial to stay home again, but I can't stay home all the time. Gotta be strong, you know? 

Ps: Sleeping in your room was a weird experience. I kept jumping awake and having odd short nightmares. I think at one point I screamed, I don't know. I remember seeing a terrifying face and waking up squealing or making some sort of high pitch noise. Maybe it was all a dream.