Nowadays I don't really care for rain as much as I used to because I'm becoming more aware of myself being single and rain is better with someone with you, or next to you, or wrapped around you. And I'm not afraid of thunder but it would be nice of someone could protect me from it anyway. And lightning doesn't phase me but not having someone to cuddle with does and I shouldn't be thinking about this but I am and I should just stop...

...sorry.

Muse

I dreamed that Muse walked into my room and grinned at me.

"Hey" I said

"Hey"

I got up to hug him but he sat on Vanessa's bed (here, we share a room), and I couldn't possibly crawl onto a bed to hug him, so I stopped and got all choked up. At first I thought it would be another failed attempt. Another sob story. But he held out his arms this time. For the first time since freshman year, he actually wanted to hug me. I shyly got up and hugged him, and before I could stop myself (literally, I was shocked even in the dream), I said 

"I miss you"

And I don't think he's ever said this to me, and I doubt he ever will, but he said

"I miss you, too."

Neighbor's dead daughter

My neighbor's daughter's car

Is covered in 

dead cherry blossom petals

And the walls

Of her house

Are drowning

In tightly entwined

Dark green ivy.

Every autumn

People lay flowers

On her doorstep,

And every autumn

You can see

Her mother and father's

Bloodshot eyes.

And there are extra

Suicide pamphlets

Given out at my high school....

But I still see the girl everyday

In her bedroom window.

She can't stop crying.

I wish I couldn't see her.

It's so beautiful outside tonight. The sky was a partly cloudy cerulean sea, and there were only a couple stars out because of how light the sky was in the dusk. The breeze was cool against my arms, but not harsh enough to mess up my hair. I only went outside to play with Jamie. I tossed the ball to her a couple times. Man. It felt so great outside. Sometimes I go out there and get sad because the world is so beautiful,  I don't really have anybody to share it with. Nights like these are nights when I'd just go outside and look to the sky just because, and call that special guy. If I had one. Ugh. It's nights like these I wish I weren't so alone.

I graduated about five hours ago today. It feels amazing. I'm supposed to be sleep because in two hours I'll be at a lock in from eleven pm to five am. How will I stay up? I don't know. I really don't. I may have a small crush on this guy. He's always been cute, I've just been ignoring it. It's becoming hard to ignore. I gave him my number, but he hasn't texted yet. Did I mention he's cute? I got foundation on his shirt when I hugged him. He has curly hair. After graduation I went to Little Maggiano's in Clayton. For a shit ton of money you can have the best damn italian food on earth. It's so good. I'd say it's worth every dime. I want to write down a scene for hana soul grimely. It's my book I'm working on. Ugh. I need to sleep but I can't sleep. And I'll never tell you who it is.

Problem

I know if I did I'd die, but I wonder what it feels like to be drifting in and out of consciousness? Blinking my eyes and hours go by. People come in to say hi and when I blink and open my eyes again they've already passed by. Or what it feels like to be in a coma, and waking up to cards and teddy bears and get well cards. Unless it were me. I often wonder who would visit me if I were in a coma. If i got hit by a bus and slept for a solid month. Who would stay by my bedside and cry in their sleep for me. I don't know. Family sure. Not a specific boy i have in mind. I crave the feeling of being missed and wanted around. I want to bring happiness to everyone that sees me Nd I don't want to trouble anybody anymore. If I could become a walking utopia I would in a heart beat. Plus a flat stomach and a taller frame. And a billion dollars. Thats my problem.

Work work work work fucking work

What if I don't want a job?! What if I want to spend my last summer as a kid not working and actually enjoying it? I'm supposed to go to Chicago with Indie! I can't do that if there's a job in my way. I wish there were a way to make you understand. I don't want a job. I know I cost a hell of a lot but I wont even be here in three months so can't you just deal for that much longer?! Doesn't that make sense? I literally wont even hardly be in your life in four months or so. Doesn't that at least make you a little sad? I'm moving across America so that I don't fall back and depend on you anymore. I'm surprised you haven't figured that out yet. Since sixth grade I knew I was a problem. I knew I costed more than everyone else and that I was needier. I'm sorry about that. I'm materialistic and idk. That's just me. That's always been me. I'm sorry, okay?! I just don't want a job. I can't handle it. If I work all summer and stress about that, and then go straight to college and stress over that, by November I'll be in a psychiatrical hospital. Do you understand? I mentally and emotionally cannot handle that much stress/ pressure in that much given time. I'll break. I can't even tell you this or you'll go off on me. Whatever.