.

Tomorrow's June.

Woah.

Nowadays I don't really care for rain as much as I used to because I'm becoming more aware of myself being single and rain is better with someone with you, or next to you, or wrapped around you. And I'm not afraid of thunder but it would be nice of someone could protect me from it anyway. And lightning doesn't phase me but not having someone to cuddle with does and I shouldn't be thinking about this but I am and I should just stop...

...sorry.

Muse

I dreamed that Muse walked into my room and grinned at me.

"Hey" I said

"Hey"

I got up to hug him but he sat on Vanessa's bed (here, we share a room), and I couldn't possibly crawl onto a bed to hug him, so I stopped and got all choked up. At first I thought it would be another failed attempt. Another sob story. But he held out his arms this time. For the first time since freshman year, he actually wanted to hug me. I shyly got up and hugged him, and before I could stop myself (literally, I was shocked even in the dream), I said 

"I miss you"

And I don't think he's ever said this to me, and I doubt he ever will, but he said

"I miss you, too."

Neighbor's dead daughter

My neighbor's daughter's car

Is covered in 

dead cherry blossom petals

And the walls

Of her house

Are drowning

In tightly entwined

Dark green ivy.

Every autumn

People lay flowers

On her doorstep,

And every autumn

You can see

Her mother and father's

Bloodshot eyes.

And there are extra

Suicide pamphlets

Given out at my high school....

But I still see the girl everyday

In her bedroom window.

She can't stop crying.

I wish I couldn't see her.

It's so beautiful outside tonight. The sky was a partly cloudy cerulean sea, and there were only a couple stars out because of how light the sky was in the dusk. The breeze was cool against my arms, but not harsh enough to mess up my hair. I only went outside to play with Jamie. I tossed the ball to her a couple times. Man. It felt so great outside. Sometimes I go out there and get sad because the world is so beautiful,  I don't really have anybody to share it with. Nights like these are nights when I'd just go outside and look to the sky just because, and call that special guy. If I had one. Ugh. It's nights like these I wish I weren't so alone.

I graduated about five hours ago today. It feels amazing. I'm supposed to be sleep because in two hours I'll be at a lock in from eleven pm to five am. How will I stay up? I don't know. I really don't. I may have a small crush on this guy. He's always been cute, I've just been ignoring it. It's becoming hard to ignore. I gave him my number, but he hasn't texted yet. Did I mention he's cute? I got foundation on his shirt when I hugged him. He has curly hair. After graduation I went to Little Maggiano's in Clayton. For a shit ton of money you can have the best damn italian food on earth. It's so good. I'd say it's worth every dime. I want to write down a scene for hana soul grimely. It's my book I'm working on. Ugh. I need to sleep but I can't sleep. And I'll never tell you who it is.

Problem

I know if I did I'd die, but I wonder what it feels like to be drifting in and out of consciousness? Blinking my eyes and hours go by. People come in to say hi and when I blink and open my eyes again they've already passed by. Or what it feels like to be in a coma, and waking up to cards and teddy bears and get well cards. Unless it were me. I often wonder who would visit me if I were in a coma. If i got hit by a bus and slept for a solid month. Who would stay by my bedside and cry in their sleep for me. I don't know. Family sure. Not a specific boy i have in mind. I crave the feeling of being missed and wanted around. I want to bring happiness to everyone that sees me Nd I don't want to trouble anybody anymore. If I could become a walking utopia I would in a heart beat. Plus a flat stomach and a taller frame. And a billion dollars. Thats my problem.

Work work work work fucking work

What if I don't want a job?! What if I want to spend my last summer as a kid not working and actually enjoying it? I'm supposed to go to Chicago with Indie! I can't do that if there's a job in my way. I wish there were a way to make you understand. I don't want a job. I know I cost a hell of a lot but I wont even be here in three months so can't you just deal for that much longer?! Doesn't that make sense? I literally wont even hardly be in your life in four months or so. Doesn't that at least make you a little sad? I'm moving across America so that I don't fall back and depend on you anymore. I'm surprised you haven't figured that out yet. Since sixth grade I knew I was a problem. I knew I costed more than everyone else and that I was needier. I'm sorry about that. I'm materialistic and idk. That's just me. That's always been me. I'm sorry, okay?! I just don't want a job. I can't handle it. If I work all summer and stress about that, and then go straight to college and stress over that, by November I'll be in a psychiatrical hospital. Do you understand? I mentally and emotionally cannot handle that much stress/ pressure in that much given time. I'll break. I can't even tell you this or you'll go off on me. Whatever.

You and me (How It Should Be)

If people keep

sugar coating things for me

I'm gonna get diabetes

Maybe thats why I'm sitting here

In my underwear

Eating this bag of wheaties

And all that I can think about

Is how he made you smile

Way wider than I did

And maybe thats why 

Just last night

I got myself so totally wasted

That I couldn't find

Any focus in my eyes.

I think I lost my mind

Because I wrote your name

A thousand times (up and down my arms)

The truth is

You'll never come back 

as long as that prick is in your 

life.

And it hurts,

And what makes it even worse is that

You're all I ever want to see

And it shouldn't be you and him

It should be you and me.

Awkward

So whenever I'm mad I look at half naked pictures of girls haha oh I'm just now realizing this okay bye

Muse...

Tell him? Haha. No. Thats the dumbest idea ever. Thats what got me into trouble in the girst place, tell him? Why? Do he can laugh and ihnite the rumors again? No. I'm not an idiot. And don't ask me whats wrong because there's too much to type. In two weeks nobody will ever have to see me again. I could disappear if I really wanted to, and I want to so badly. I wish I could leave and people would search for me and maybe they wouldn't dislike me as much when I was found, if I decided to be found. Why am I sad? I'm invisible. Most times people ignore me in class and in the hallways. I'll wave and they'll look right at me and look away. I hate it. Whats wrong with me? I don't know why I can't be liked, and why I can't have a bunvh of scholarships amd be athletic and be a kid my parents could really truly be proud of. I feel like a waste of space 99.99% of the time, and school doesn't help. I'm tired of being ignored and never feeling like I'm good enough.

Invade my privacy

I want to feel your breath on my neck;

Kisses along my collarbones.

You know you're the only one

I'd ever let in;

That I've ever let in.

I could write about you for eons,

Love letters and observations unsaid,

But none of them would feel as good

As your hands around my waist

Or your lips on mine.

I'm a seventeen year old untouched poet.

It should be on the most dangerous list

Along with atom bombs 

and molotov cocktails..

I've learned that nuclear love 

is twice the explosion.

Muse

My friend Isaac thinks I should tell Muse how I feel. Idk. I'm not going to anyway but I've been thinking about it and... No. Never. I did it once and I'm not doing it again. He's a straight forward guy. He looked so happy with his girlfriend on Saturday. He'd never go for a lame girl like me. Ugh.

Senior Prom 2014

Prom was so much fun. Indie and Nova came over yesterday and we all did our makeup (although Nova was only over for thirty minutes), and then I got to curl Indie's hair and stuff, which was seriously awesome, I felt like a hairdresser, haha. She loved the curls so much she nearly cried, which was awesome ( not the crying part though, haha ). I tried to do a French twist to my hair but I couldn't do it so I had my mom French braid my hair and then I folded it under and around so that it was a braided updo. It looked amazing. And I had these nice pearl and crystal hair combs that I out on both sides, which was pretty nice. Prom was actually rather extravagant. The DJ sucked, but other than that it was cool. Everyone was dancing their asses off, even me, haha. I also had toasted ravioli for the first time, which was delectable. I think I'm going to ask my mom to buy it next time I'm at schnucks, haha. Towards the middle it got a little sad because Alex left with Dez, which bummed Indie out, and then you'll never guess who I saw kissing his girlfriend during the slow dance to 'Iris'. Jesus. Way to fucking go. Anyway... Hha... I'm fine. I need to get over him anyway. He's so dumb. Anyway, so it was cool because Alex rented a car for Indie and I to go to prom in. Ash was there too and it was really fun having him and not just Alex, because Alex was getting on my nerves, haha. We also had corsages, which was amazing. After prom, Ash and Indie came over and watched a movie, and Indie spent the night! which was really fun. I was knocked out during the movie though, we watched Treasure Island (Disney movie). Today, Sunday, Indie and I got snow cones and we got to go to the goodwill and do a little thrifting. We found some really cool tank tops and other summer things. I'm trying to hard not to think about that dumb song...

Nova

What am I supposed to do? I'm not exclusively yours. I hate you for being so jealous, you're always mad and mean to everybody. You treat Indie and I like shit, okay? That's what I've wanted to tell you. You don't listen to us and you're paranoid and you still think Indie has a thing for Den which is stupid because why the fuck would she if she's the one who set you two up? You're so terribly ignorant. It makes me sick. And you steal whatever you want and cry when things don't go your way, and you expect to pass high school on the mercy of your teachers versus actually trying. I hate that too. It's not fair. I don't know what to do. I wish we'd never been friends.