Antidepressants

I took my first antidepressant today. My doctor gave me enough for a month, so I'm pretty happy. I mean at least now I'm starting the dosage over the summer so that by time school starts I know if it's working and I need more or not. And then I can just get enough for three months or so; enough to last until thanksgiving break. I felt really awesome, haha. I took the pill while listening to 505 by The Arctic Monkeys. I love them, haha. They're going to perform here soon but I can't afford the ticket. Ugh.

SIUC

I need to stop relying on people to be with me all the time. I'd be fine on my own. I can't expect anybody, whether it's Violet or Nova or Indie, to come with me to Maryland or stay in a dorm with me at college or anything like that. I just can't do this to myself anymore. Nobody's going to guarantee anything to me, whether it's college or jobs or houses in the future. I need to accept the possibility that I could be alone. There's nothing wrong with it. But the more I rely on people the worse this is going to get. Olivia and I went to SIUC yesterday and I registered. It sucked, honestly. It wasn't fun, it was stressful, and boring, and uneventful. Not to mention apparently they don't have fashion design as a minor although I swear my mom and I saw it on the website. So now I have to find a new minor. Great. I feel like a dumbass.

dfadfsd

Being at my house now makes me want to stab myself repeatedly in the heart. I can't tell my mom why because the reason is her. If I tell her this, she'll ask why. I'll tell her why. She'll claim most of it I made up. If I deny that she'll say it's in my head. I'll probably start sobbing. She'll leave and ignore me when I ask her to stay. I don't know what to do. I know our finances are shit, and I'm costing a lot of money, and the diet she's on isn't fun, but I wish she wouldn't take it out on her kids. I feel like if I say hi to her she'll yell at me. I keep trying to think that maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way or maybe I'm losing it or maybe I'm making it up like she says I am most of the time, but it seems pretty real to me and if it were fake I wouldn't be fighting tears and I don't know. I want to leave but I want to stay.I want my old home back. Before everything was so stressful. Well it was stressful but not like this.

I HATE BEING BROKE I WANT TO STAB MYSELF RIGHT NOW

I hate going places when I don't have money. It's downright embarassing when you can't even afford a drink of water. And then your friends are like "you couldn't even muster a dollar?" And it's like no, i fucking can't. Not everyone has money laying around the house. At my house every quarter we find in a coat pocket is gone before the week is over. We pinch every fucking penny we own and nobody knows because we keep it hidden so fucking well. I don't want to go out without money on me. I want to be able to enjoy myself too, not just watch. Is that so hard to understand???

I used to not understand anorexia
And I used to think it didn't make sense
but now I think I understand it
when you're 104.5 pounds but you still look like 'this'?
And I feel like I'll never look how I want to
and that thought gnaws at me every day
along with everything else in my horizon
and college work speeding my way
I don't know what I'm going to do
Especially when I'm on my own
I'm afraid my self consciousness may eat me alive
And when I come home again I'll be a sack of bones

Ps:  writing is supposed to help but it doesn't anymore

Ethan

You act like you don't like me anymore  and I don't really like it at all.i talked to mom about it and she said "Well, Alyssa, you treat your sister the same way", yeah, but Vanessa and I have always been like that, Lord knows we'll never get along, but Ethan and I? How did it get this way... and the worst part is that. I don't know what to do about it. Are you mad at me? Do I owe you? I don't know what to do to get you to say something stupid and make me laugh or play a video game or something like that. I don't want us to become distant siblings. You're my favorite sibling. I don't know. Ugh.

Plant Shopping

I went plant shopping with Mom today and it was a lot of fun! I got an aloe vera plant too, which is awesome. I named it Thayer, after the main character's love interest in the independent movie "Teenage Dirtbag". It's a favorite of mine. Anyway here's some pictures from today 

Muse

1. I'm probably second on the list of people who think about you the most

2. Your facial features and characteristics are the check list for every other love interest I've ever had

3. (I haven't had many after you)

4. I can't decide if I love you or you three years ago

5. I still don't know what you think of me and that is the reason I can't sleep at night.

6. I'll be in college soon and I want to be able to love somebody else for once

7. This isn't fair, honestly.

8. Sometimes I wish we'd never met

9. Eight is a lie and it's practically humorous.

10. When will I ever stop loving you?

Nova

You're an asshole.

Muse

You're the only one I'll let pull my heart strings until they snap. I saw a guy today and his face morphed into yours. I wish you would have done what I wanted you to. I wish you wrote me poetry. I wish you'd get me flowers. I still need you like plants need rain & sunlight. Most times I can't get any rest at night, but I started to take the sleeping pills to dream of you, not to fall asleep. 

Dear Mom

I'm sorry I can't be my brother.