Sarah

I seriously don't appreciate you coming down and watching The Perks Of Being A Wallflower with us. Josh convinced me to try to talk to you and so I did. Literally all I texted you was "we need to talk" and you said "as fun as that sounds, I have no interest in talking to you right now, so let me be", and then  you take the time to come into my dorm to watch the movie with us? MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MIND. That's exactly why I told Josh I was done with you and I still fucking am. You're stuck in high school. I don't need high school drama in my life. I'm here to get an education, not put up with your wishy washy bullshit. 

Sarah

So what is it that you think I need to change, then? What makes me a hypocrite? Saying that I like the way I am and I shouldn't need to change my mannerisms? For not apologizing for my funny faces/ funny voice? I don't know what you want from me. Not to mention, like I said, if you were more honest and expressed your opinion more often, you wouldn't have blown up on me like you did. You're mad at me for trying to get everyone to say what they feel? How on earth does that make any sense? What is it that you're so afraid of saying out loud? Don't you trust the group enough? All I've done since day one of meeting everyone is that I've tried to be the best friend I can be to you all. I've tried to be honest and truthful. I care about all of you. It was mever my intention to lay down double standards, if that's what you think I'm doing. You pointing out the fact that "I never leave my bed"  and I'm "always on my phone and my 3ds" really hurt. It wasn't even called for, you just said that to hurt my feelings and you know it. Sarah, you don't see me every second of every day. Did it ever occur to you that most times you visit me you happen to walk in during my break times? I get all my homework done, and I study. Just because most times you see me I'm in bed doesn't mean I'm always in bed. I have severe anxiety, Sarah. You don't know me nearly well enough to judge me for why I am the way I am and why I do what I do. And considering I don't judge you on how you are, I think it was really mean of you to say that to me. Also for being on my phone a lot, I like my phone, okay? It's how I keep up with my friends at home and it's how I keep up with my mom and I like to play games on my phone, I just really like my phone. I had shitty phone after shitty phone throughout most my life, so when I got my iphone senior year of high school I was really addicted to it. I guess I still am. I don't think it's a bad thing, though, and if you're honestly that mad at me for being on my phone, I think you need to reevaluate how you think of me. And for my 3ds, that was really uncalled for. I only play my 3ds during my break. I don't even take it with me to class, it stays at my dorm at all times unless I'm going up to Josh's room to play pokemon with him or something, so you obviously only said that to hurt my feelings. It's not like all I ever do is play my 3ds, and you probably play yours as much as I play mine. Not to mention, you're the one who takes your 3ds with you to class just for thise stupid "play coins". Also if I wanted I could point out how you watch a lot of anime and you're too secretive for my liking, but I haven't, because I'm not going to be an asshole to you for just being you. It just so happens that, once again, most times you visit, I'm taking a break from homework or it's right after I got back from my classes, I shouldn't have to apologize for having leisure time and doing what I want to do every once in a while. I'm honestly really mad that I even have to explain my leisure time, but if it'll help you understand then I guess it's worth it. When I said I wasn't going to change I meant I'm still going to do my funny voices and funny faces, but I'm not going to fake and be someone I'm not just so you'll like me. I didn't mean I wouldn't make a conscious effort to not burden josh, or that I was going to stop visiting you, or whatever else was going through your head. I feel so drained from trying to make everything right and ending up making it worse. I feel as if at this point I fucked everything up to the point of no return, honestly. I pissed Josh offf, pissed you off, and Meg and Nathan aren't happy either. I'm sorry that I can't be a better friend for you, but I can't be who you want me to be. I'm not a hologram based off of your desires. I'm a human with enotions and feelings (that for the record, are shattered at this point), and I should be treated as such. If anything, I'm disappointed that it's come to this, but there's nothing I can do about it. 

So...

I came out to my mom today! She doesn't hate me, so that's a good thing, haha. I feel really relieved. I felt like there was a squid on my chest for years and now it's not there anymore. It feels amazing.

True

I'm not going to be sad about this anymore.

It's not something I can control. 

I should have known this was going to happen,

It would have been nice to have been emotionally ready, but I wasn't, so that's that.

I accept that there will eventually be two groups. I accept that this drift is natural.

Next time I'll try not to get so attatched.

I'll not spill as many deep thoughts and memories.

I'll be more mysterious.

Next time I'll be ready. 

I'm not going to let myself get hurt like this over any friend ever again.

I want to die

.

I miss you but you're just right there

I miss your smile although I see it everyday

I miss your old hair and I miss your eyes

I wish they'd come back to stay.

I miss being the one that was always there

I miss our old friendship a lot

But I'm trying really hard to fix up everything

I'm giving it all that I've got.

When I hang out around you

I feel like you're not there

I can't feel the sparks in your eyes when you look at me anymore;

They're saved for someone else.

I feel so broken around you now

I feel like I'm not enough

You said you don't have a favorite

But I'm calling your bluff.

Help!

Lately I've been pretty insecure about my figure. I have a really boyish figure and my tummy pokes a bit, and I really hate it. People always tell me I look so skinny and I don't have to worry about it and I feel like nobody really understands what I mean when I say I don't really like my figure. Also, when I vent about my figure they always say I could work out. Of course I already knew that. I'm not stupid, god damn. I hate it sometimes. I really do...

I've been feeling really conflicted about a lot of things lately. Not to mention I haven't taken my prozac in almost a week and everything feels weird. I've been really sensitive (but hiding it pretty well), and drowsy all the time. Today was actually the first time in ages that the coffee worked. I wish I could have a break from life itself. I'm tired of having to get up and see people. I'm even sick of my friends, is that weird? I feel like half of me wants to be drowned in hugs and attention but the other half wants me to be the only person on earth.

If anything, I really miss home. I miss my bed, and I miss not having to walk outside just for food. Maybe I'm being a big baby, but I just feel so overwhelmed by everything, and nobody really understands. The only person who's actually tried to understand is Josh, honestly. I'm also a bit tired of my friends here. They judge me over really stupid shit, and stuff that's none of their business. Every time I buy something they have a million things to say about it, it's as if they're all trying to be my parents, which really isn't their fucking job. They're also extremely nosy, and can't take a hint for the life of them. And heaven forbid there's ever something that comes up that I don't know as much about as them, it's all of a sudden the end of the fucking world. Obviously, the sky would fall if I didn't know about this actor, or that movie, etc. It's bullshit, honestly. The bitchiness really never ends with them... It just sucks.

There's also the fact that I've been having flashbacks nearly every ten minutes and they're tearing me apart. Flashbacks to things that have been done to me, flashbacks to shit I said to other people. I hate it. Especially the ones about my dad, which happen the most. Well, really flashbacks to my childhood with bullying and dealing with my dad. Those are the flashbacks that happen the most. I wish I could make it stop.

I'm so tired of it all, honestly. I wish I could fly away.

Tired

I wish you guys would take me seriously. I feel like a joke to you guys most of the time. Every little thing I do is humorous to you. Everytime I don't know something you guys know it's the end of the world. I'm really sick of it. 

Issues In The Past Month

I've gotten too close

I'm jealous because I'm not your favorite

I miss my mom

I want you to hug me and kiss me on the forehead and tell me I'll be okay.

I miss how things used to be

I feel shitty about school

I don't like school

I want to be more independent

I don't want anyone to judge me about my anxiety and depression

I want you to stop telling me to stop taking prozac because you've known me six months but depression's known me over six years and it knows I'm not strong enough yet.

Counseling

I finally gave in and saw a counselor. Today, I feel so much better. I talked to Sarah about it two days ago and I don't know it just sorta clicked when I was talking to her that I needed one. I mean, I knew I needed one for ages now, I just... didn't have the guts to admit it to myself and get help. As soon as I got to the guy's office I started crying. There was so much I'd been holding back from for ages, I don't know. Like the dams in my body broke and everything just sorta spilled out. I missed being able to cry in front of somebody in confidentiality. I don't know. I think seeing a counselor here will be really good for me. Plus, the guy that saw me was really great and really kind, and I hope I get him again when I go back.

Josh

Thank you for telling me how you feel. I've been through the worst with so many people that nowadays couldn't give two shits about me, and I've listened to them and I've been there and in the end they still left and I'm telling you right now you can always talk to me. You can be as brutally honest as you want. It'll only help me in the end, and if it'll help you too, please, fucking break me with the truth. I want you to be okay. Even if there's ever a time we're not friends, I need you to be okay because you fucking deserve to be. You're great, you're great you're great you're great you're great and I'll say it until it sinks in, until my throat is dry and I've emptied a bag of cough drops I'll say it because I love you. You're like an older brother to me, and I need you to be okay. And don't you dare sorry about me until the point it makes you sick ever again. No matter how shitty I feel, I pinky promised you. I'll keep that promise until I'm rotting away in a nursing home, or until I fall in a ditch or whatever ends my life. I'll keep that promise because I care about you and I love you and I need you to be okay. So please, be okay.

I just don't want to.
I want to be able to do it by myself.