well yeah uh

Eventually my bed won’t smell like you anymore. It’s 12:40 am and I’m drunk and all I can think about is what would have happened if things were different, you know? Like, if we’d dated? I mean maybe it’d have been great but maybe it’d have been really shitty and we wouldn’t be friends anymore, and I don’t want that so hey haha I guess it all worked out but like well, shit back to the poem uh, Originally I wrote I wont miss you like I currently do but eh I still do honestly like, and yeah it took me a long time to not pretend your arms were around me at night by cleverly folding my body pillow but hey I didn’t say that out loud. I’ll come to terms with this eventually. We’ll be able to laugh at it one day! I remember the last time I had a crush this big, when things went to shit I couldn’t even eat. At least it’s not that bad. And you never lied to me, which I really appreciate, so thanks for not lying to me. *High Five*. I remember the day I spent the night beause you wanted me to and it was great. We cuddled almost all night, which was the best (obviously) like, you held me because you wanted to and that made a huge difference because I can tell when you don’t want to like, I always can. Every time I let someone in and they decide they don’t want the whole package, it kinda breaks me a bit. I hate admitting it but hey, it’s true. Nothing super glue can’t fix but you know, sometimes I kinda wonder like, what’s the point of gluing myself back together? Alright so.

Jeremy

I feel better now about you not liking me back. I think I'm getting over you. I didn't even expect anything this time, didn't initiate anything. Neither did you (of course). I think it's finally setting in that this is how things are, and if the way things are includes me being at least friends with you, then I'm okay with that. I'll try to become one of the best friends you've ever had because I think you deserve someone who'll never give up. I know you have friends who probably feel the same about you but hey, now you've got one more. 

Beggar

I hate beggars. I really wish that people wouldn't actually walk to my car and ask me to roll down the fucking window so they can poke their head literally inches away from me and ask if I can buy them a goddamn burger. I can't stop thinking about how creepy the guy was. What if my step dad wasn't with me? :( I'm frightened of people coming to my car now. I'm never stopping to eat in a parking lot again. 

Mom song

I'll hold on to you 

until my fingers turn black and blue.

You're the closest thing that

I have to a muse

I know that I'm hard to guide

I'll fool around and waste my time

Trying to see everything eye to eye

With you

And

It'll never happen

Like you're Fourty, I'm Eleven,

The difference is too grand of a size

But despite the distance,

I sure gotta try.

You're my mom and I love you

Tattoos aren't the end of the world.

I know they look like stains to you

They make you wanna hurl.

I read in an article

Tattoos help the particles

Of bacteria in your body stay in check

But even if I showed you that,

If I got one, you'd say "what the heck".

Carbondale

I miss it.

I don't want to go back.

I feel lost here.

This is home.

I am lonely.

I like being alone.

School sucks.

I want to learn my trade.

I need a job.

I like freedom.

I want money.

I'm lazy.

I am conflicted.

Everything is okay.

Aiden to Hana

How do I tell her I can't stop thinking about her?

That my body literally craves hers,

That she makes my heart pound?

I'd run through broken glass to get to her

I'd take any drug to see her

I'd drink a gallon of vodka

I'd do anything.

Anything.

Sometimes I wonder if you have emotions. You're so cold and you don't even know it, I don't understand how you can be so full of yourself that you can't even see what you're doing. You seem to be so oblivious to the outside world. Can't you see anything besides your own reflection? I genuinely wonder if you'll ever change. Not for me but for future friendships/ partners. Maybe I'm in the wrong for not taking you as you are, but this just seems too much.

Confession

I hold on to people who treat me like shit, and I don't know why. I grow attached to people quick as lightning. I'm clingy to the wrong people, or people that I shouldn't depend on. I let people in and I'm surprised when they hurt me. Every time. I don't know why. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now but over and over I let it happen. The people I deserve, I push away so it seems. I end things before I can make them terrible. I feel like I ruin things. I feel like my ended friendships are my fault in every situation. I blame myself for things that aren't my fault. I pity myself a lot. I'm too scared to try to change it. I want to make it stop.

Justin

I'm recovering from something that doesn't have anything to do with you, and that's not your fault. Recently, I let a guy into my life farther than any guy before, and it ended up being a nonexistent thing that still leaves a sour taste in my mouth. It's hard for me to move on when there are places that remind me of him. Clothing that reminds me of him. Parts of myself that remind me of him. I can't go into anything with anybody in this condition. It wouldn't be fair to you or myself. I still have lingering feelings for this person as well, which only makes things worse.

Chris P

I get the feeling that I'm going to tear you apart, and you're going to let me. I don't want to do this to you, but you're not necessarily holding me back. I'm a dangerous person to fall in love with. Not only will I doubt you, but I doubt myself. I'm never secure. I'd wear a bulletproof vest while riding a bike if it were acceptable because helmets aren't enough for me. I'm always taking extra precautions. I'll never let you in enough for you to feel okay around me. It's just how I am. Things for me, they either happen all at once or never at all. That's how I know I'll never love you, not the way you love me, at least. I'm sorry. I wish I could love you, because I'd be so happy. I know that your heart is warm... I just don't love you. If I did, it wouldn't matter anyway. Sooner or later... nevermind.

Zach

Today, I saw you
and my stomach didn't drop,
I held a conversation with you
and didn't get butterflies
your eyes didn't paralyze me
I am slowly breaking free
from your grasp,
and it feels like I'm
missing something,
but also it is rejuvenating,
and I feel like soon
I will you see you
and maybe, just maybe
I wont feel anything at all.

Zach

I will never understand you or how you work. You will never understand me or how I work, either. Frankly, I don't think you deserve to anymore. I was about to give you everything, that's the scariest thing about all of this. Do you even understand how scary that is? I doubt it. I doubt you've ever had your heart crushed, so how could you understand? I'm right, I know it. I think I've figured out something! You've never let yourself  be entirely vulnerable in somebody else's arms before, have you? You've never truly fully put yourself out there, so how could you understand how I feel? You're so into yourself that you probably didn't even notice how my eyes lit up when I saw you. Good. They never should have. You said that I wasn't a bother. You said a lot of things I didn't believe like that I was the prettiest girl on campus. Or that I was talented when I drew that shitty sketch on your notepad. I bet you took my butterfly sticker off your door. I bet when you get back you're going to rip out those notes and rewrite them on something I haven't touched. I bet you'll wash your sheets and comforter. I hope you do. Please. Erase me entirely from your life. Just know that I'm taking myself back from you. You don't get to keep me, you don't have the right. I feel there's a shard that slipped away sometime between the lies or the long hugs at three am, and it's calling me; It wants to come home. I don't trust you anymore. I never should have, and I know that now. I wish I'd known it sooner. You were nothing but a learning experience. Sure, I'll see you around campus more than likely. You'll probably try to avoid me, but there's not much you can do. I'll be ready to look you in the eyes and then pretend I didn't see you at all. I'll be ready to disregard you entirely. I'm ready for you to leave. I'm ready for you to delete me on facebook. I know now that you wont respond to my texts. That you wont call back. That you never had intentions to. I know not to rely on you anymore. I know now that you're not worth my time, and more importantly, that to you, I was never worth your time from the beginning. I never had a chance, but that's okay. I'll have chances with other guys, with other girls. With people that truly want to be with me. People that want me not just when it's convenient to them. People that wont leave me hanging day after day. So yes, I'm ready. I can't be bothered to cry over you anymore. I can't be too upset to eat, I can't cry myself to sleep anymore over you. My body wont let me. I've had enough. I will not be miserable over somebody who treats me like dust.

Zach

OH MY GOD. Who even are you, haha. I feel like I should have been friends with you for a lot longer than I have at this point. We have so much in common, it's crazy. I'm only really writing this because I have an hour to kill until lab. Anyway, I feel so comfortable around you. Whenever I hug you or I'm next to you, I feel like our souls are talking to each other. If I'm close enough to you I swear I can feel electricity in my skin. It's odd and exciting, a bit addicting. You said last night that you were drawn to me. What does that mean, exactly? Am I a human magnet for you? Haha, ah, that's an odd way to word that. You know what I mean. I also thought it was really funny how you have an alarm that makes you solve 6 equations, solve a square puzzle, retype a long complex code, and you were still able to go back to sleep. Waking up with you was definitely as fun as it was interesting. Getting to see your mind wake up slowly, seeing how sharp your intellect is. I couldn't solve several foil equations in a row every morning if my life depended on it, haha. I'd sit there and cry as the alarm got louder. There's a lady behind me talking about some really deep stuff about selflessness and giving, and I feel like if you were here you'd totally be eavesdropping with me, haha. She keeps talking about helping humanity. If I weren't sick, I'd turn around and agree with her, try to keep up. Unfortunately, my throat is on fire and I have absolutely no energy. It would have been beneficial to stay home again, but I can't stay home all the time. Gotta be strong, you know? 

Ps: Sleeping in your room was a weird experience. I kept jumping awake and having odd short nightmares. I think at one point I screamed, I don't know. I remember seeing a terrifying face and waking up squealing or making some sort of high pitch noise. Maybe it was all a dream.

Garden, or carried away

I remember the day before I had to leave
when you laid in my lap and
I braided your hair in little fairy braids
You fell asleep in minutes
I didn't care that my legs had fallen asleep
or that I had 24 hours to do 4 loads of laundry
before I had to drive back to school the next day
I wanted to stay there with you
as long as I could; No more college, no more panic attacks...

Soon enough, ivy would grow through the floor boards
our hearts would stop, and
a tree would grow in my stomach and out through my mouth.
Your golden hair would transform into the coiled stems of flowers
and they'd grow in vibrant, magnificent curls around my newly found light outstretching branches,
you would highlight the dark green of my new acquired being
with your magenta, violet, and canary yellow wildflowers that would bloom
until time grew tired of making the rules
My mother's plants in the dining room would finally be able to hold hands.
The roof of my one and a half story house would deteriorate from the rain
begging "let me see, let me see"
The sun's rays would cast back the curtains of lilac lace to warm our new beings
and evaporate our shells from the darker times,
and while it cradled our new glowing little lives
that were entirely our own with careful trembling hands it would cry in awe.
You and I would drink the rain and grow stronger than ever before,
and we would laugh, having escaped it all, having it been that easy all along, and we
would be the most beautiful garden the world had ever seen.
God would put his hand over his heart and say
"They found the key."

Freewrite

My friend thinks that I need something to help me relax when I get overwhelmed
I think that I need to grow the fuck up and stop babying myself
In real life the world wont stop spinning whenever I have a bad day
In real life people take pain killers when they're not in pain and drink 'Nyquil' to see elves
I'm not saying I want to take drugs but it would be nice to feel something
something that isn't nausea or being short of breath, anything but nothing

every five seconds

I am uncomfortable
sitting on a hard bench
blood in my underpants
because periods come early sometimes.
My heart rate is up again
I am breathing fine
but I feel like I'm running
out of air, a feeling that you'd think I'd be used to
by now but I'm not.
Sometimes when I'm walking to class
I wonder what would happen if
the earth ran out of oxygen.
I don't think I'd notice right away
because sometimes I catch myself
holding my breath
when I'm stressed out
or trying not to panic
(every five seconds)

Josh

I hate it when you wont talk to me. Is it that hard to tell me what's on your mind? I remember when things were different. I feel like I should be used to this by now, but I still miss the way our friendship used to be. You said that you still had stuff to figure out about me. What is there left to figure out? Am I doing something wrong? You continuously say that I'm not, but I feel like you're lying to me. I feel like if I weren't doing something wrong, our friendship would be back to normal, but it's not. The thing is, even before I told you I liked you our friendship was off. What is wrong? What is it?

Dream

I took a nap during the day today, and I had a really weird dream. I woke up, got out of bed, but something caught my eye: A half torn sheet of music. I noticed the title and figured it was something that had been in my bookbag from high school and i never took it out, so I dismissed it, but then another paper slid out. I looked under my bed and under it was every music folder and music book I'd ever had. Marching band music, music from concerts from sophomore year of high school, snare drum warm ups, everything. It all kept falling out and every time I'd take one sheet of music out it seemes another would appear: I could never empty the folder. It was... terrifying. I eventually yelled something like: "No, I don't want to see this, it just reminds me of everything I can't do", or something. It was really scary. I woke up sweating, but then again, honestly, I always wake up sweating. I can't remember a day I didn't wake up sweating, to be honest. Most times I'm not even hot...

I feel like

It's weird taking pills
sometimes I take one and that's it
sometimes I want to take the whole bottle and call it quits
I feel rushed and under pressure
and it's too fucking cold to think straight
I bundle up try to keep warm
but iced over or sweltering, negativity swarms
and covers me with a dark haze
Can't tell you how many times I've been stuck in this phase
All positivity from my mind erased
suicidal tendencies in first place

Going Back.

I'm going back to Carbondale tomorrow. Earlier today I was in a really good mood and I said "Man, I haven't been anxious in a long while, I may not even need group counseling anymore". Ha...haha....HAHAHA.... HAHAHAHAHAHA

Dream

Okay so before I forget I was watching a movie about dinosaurs, I don't know why, but I felt incomplete. The next thing I rmember is walking up the stairs that seemed like they were from a futuristic school. Nobody else was there I thought, but it seemed someone was following me. He saw me and shook his head I think? I realized that there was something sticky and warm flowing down my neck and chest. I looked in the reflective surface of the base of the staircase and saw that therewere six self inflicted deep gashes on my neck, vertical, soaced out in a row. I fell to the ground, suddenly weak. The man towered over me, but then he kneeled at my side. I remember feeling ashamed, not wanting to die, as if I'd inflicted them on myself. I think I did. When I woke up, I wasn't bleeding, but I was weak. I was in the man's house I think, but I can't remember what it looked like. When I stood up there was a mirror in front of me and I saw the six deep ass cuts sewn shut with thick black thread that I instantly felt would never heal. He came into the room and said something, but I cn't remmber. I was.. happy?

It's okay for you to think my plugs are disgusting, but I can't say that i'm hurt by it?