I reactivated my social accounts. I have to be careful though. Especially with facebook. It was definitely taking over my life and quickly becoming the source of some of my bad days. I may leave again after my birthday.

ps: I finished Skins today. I have no idea what to do after school now.

I'm positive I'm talking to myself on these posts, but you know how you meet somebody and you become good friends for a couple days, and soon enough they stop lighting up when they see you, and they don't seem interested when they text you, and they drop conversations out of nowhere? Maybe it's just me. I'm so uninteresting and awkward. I hate making new friends because most of them don't last. They're just more lessons to keep me in my shell.

Skins Season 6 'Rich'

If you've watched the show, and you know who The Strokes are, then please tell me you've realized how much Rich looks like Julian!!! It's killing me! (In a good way).

I felt so bad for him this episode because... spoiler alert 

Grace was hurt in a car crash, and her dad wont let Rich even see her in the hospital! :( It sucks.

But yeah, it's driving me up a wayy how much they look alike, hot damn ♡♡♡♡♡♡

ps: I may post more to blogger considering I deleted my facebook and left twitter (didn't deactivate, but left both accounts). Both apps are off my phone, the sites are off my bookmark bar and (since I have google chrome) they aren't in my 'apps' on my chrome home screen either. I'm making a conscious effort to clear my head, and try to help myself. So yeah.

Rich (Skins) /// Julian (The Strokes)

Stress

I've been really stressed out. My psychology class and Video Production class is nothing how I thought it would be. I mean, I like pearling psychology, but I was really hoping the teacher would be more... interesting? I mean the teacher, she's so... dull. I can hardly learn because I end up nodding off, closing my eyes for a few, and waking up five minutes later and she's five powerpoint slides from where I was. Speaking of Powerpoint, she takes the notes way too fast. Ugh. I hardly have time to write them down. She seems to act like she doesn't care. I wish she were more interesting, easier to listen to. For heavens sake, last week she lost her shoes! Her shoes. I just don't know if I'll be able to put up with it. The video production teacher is awesome, but we have to do so much in so little time, and that really stresses me out. I had to ask my brother for his cap & gown, like, seriously? I didn't know we'd need extra props, and end up leaving school and going to people's houses during the day recording in extreme weather sometimes. I... I don't know if I'll be able to handle that. Not to mention the cameras we're using are $2000. I fuck up so much shit in one day, I don't even like touching those cameras. I'm so nervous about it, and school is stressing me out. I wish I had something to take my mind off of it. I wish I didn't worry so much. Idk. Yesterday I was so overwhelmed I nearly broke down as soon as I got in the fucking house. Ugh. What do I do?

You can actually be really mean. You flat out treat some people like shit and don't even think twice about it. Everything has to go your way or no way, and whenever things don't go your way and something happens you don't like you go and throw a fuckin' tantrum about it. GROW THE FUCK UP! Everything's not going to go your way! Nothing has to go your way. What if I threw a tantrum when the girl from the pool cursed me out because she thought I was taking a picture of her? What if I threw a tantrum when Miss Eleby gave me my first F (ever). What if I walked around in circles screaming at lunch because of some tiny little thing that went wrong in first hour? Sometimes you act like such a kid! You're too stubborn to let anybody tell you anything, and I swear you could probably hold a fucking grudge for 80 years if you wanted to! You're killing me. 

Everyone's telling me I'm growing up. They're saying I need to look for scholarships and they're saying I need a job. I need money for college and I need college for a job and I need a car to get to my job and I need money for college. It's a mad cycle. I don't know what to do or think. All of a sudden I feel like a horse in a team, and I'm the only one who doesn't know where the hell the stable is.

Violet

I'm extremely ecstatic right now, because my friend Violet just got her Facebook back! I haven't talked to her in ages, so it seems. (Three months, but that's a while, a whole summer!) I wish I could invite her to my slumber party but she's fifty two minutes away in Pevely and I just don't know if that will work out. I want her to come to bad though ugh I'd even let her sleep in my bed if there wasn't enough room downstairs. I'd do anything to see her again :( Words can't express how much I really missed her...

By the way

Most of the time you are making me want to kill myself
and all the other sometimes you're busy picking on someone else
You claim to have a good will inside of your heart, so hard to find
I'm wondering if it's even there or maybe I am blind
But no because if you were kind I guess I'd feel it too
besides my mind only finds time to please the likes of you
You have me trying to figure you out, I'm looking like a fool
I hope find peace of mind by having your own personal tool.

ugh

I just want to meet someone who likes the same bands as me so we can talk for forever about how outrageous concert ticket prices are and then exchange numbers and talk all night then go to school the next day excited to see him and he's happy to see me too and we love the same video games and youtube comedians and we skype while watching livelavalive and cyr and onision and whatnot and eventually we can hang out and have chinese food  while talking about silly things like family arguments and we'll talk until 3 am when all our deepest secrets escape us and we know there's no turning back, and eventually I don't know maybe something bigger will happen, but I just need someone I can talk to like that. Ugh.

Without a Hand...

Wanna go left?
Wanna go right?
Wanna hold my hand?
Wanna stay the night?
Wanna braid my hair?
Do you wanna fight?
Will you promise me
that we'll be alright?

Let me know
Let me know
because it gets kinda cold
When I'm out all alone
and without a hand to hold...

Cotton candy pink
Lip glossed shrink.
"Why'd you feel this way"
Oh I wish I really knew, babe.
Wish that you were here
because it's hard to steer
away from the leering looks
across the room
bloody knife submerged in gloom.
Heart shattered on the floor
here's my soul if you want more.

Let me know
let me know
because it gets kinda cold
When I'm out all alone
and without a hand to hold...

Oh, and when the depression sets in
I need you underneath my skin.
You are my bulletproof vest
We're in your car, let's do the rest....

Let me know
let me know
because it gets kinda cold
When I'm out all alone
and without a hand to hold...
Let me know...
Let me know...
Let me know...

Contractions

Oh, I see.

"You'll never forget me?"

So when you kissed her on the lips

Were you thinking of me?

When you slept with her like this

Were you screaming for me?

Were you thinking of me?

Were you thinking of me?

I'm not fucking obsessive

But I just can't get my head in

around what you call attraction

or was it just satisfaction?

My heart was having contractions

I can't control the reaction

Shrinking down into fractions

Step on me

Step on me

I'm a welcome mat

Wipe your feet off

as you prepare to attack

don't text me back

cause she's on your phone looking through your apps

And when she asks "who is that"

The first thing that you can say

Is "Baby that's nobody special, don't even know her name",

But years ago I swear to God you wouldn't have said the same

Cause I remember when you transferred

And when you first came around

I was the one you chose to help you find new Bands;

new clothes,

No I'm sorry,

Please forgive me,

This is not how it goes.

I didn't mean..

it was a tangent..

No, I just need to close.

Because the thing is

every time I write

My thoughts turn to you.

And I don't know how to control it,

I don't know what to do.

Dad.

I'm going over my dad's again for the weekend. I don't necessarily like it over there. I have no computer, and nothing else to do really. My step sister is usually at competitions and she's the best thing about there (I love her a lot). My half sister is nothing less than annoying, but I love her nonetheless. My dad..........

My stepmom is cool! But I don't really care for it over there because my dad constantly harasses everybody, especially Teresa. Sometimes (This sounds awful) I'm glad she's there because if it weren't for her, he'd only harass us (my siblings and I) worse. That sounds awful, but it's true.

Well,

I wrote a poem about a girl I didn't even know today. Haha. In power walking I met someone named Erin who also blogs on tumblr, hurray! She reminded me so much of Hana (From a story I'm writing) that I had to say hello. She doesn't sound quite like her though, but she's nice. She's a sophomore. I asked her if she were a Freshman, and she thought  I was one! Haha! I guess some things never change. Forever short..

Current Events Class

Did I tell you about current events? The teacher, Mr Laney, really intimidated me at first but I think I'm getting used to it. He's just different from most of my teachers... honestly no disrespect to them but sorta on a higher level I think? He seems like he should be a college professor or something. He's seriously the smartest teacher... ever. Honestly haha, I hope he didn't notice but once he went on about economics and whatnot I almost couldn't believe someone could know so damn much about history in general, I think I was slack-jawed. He knew about all these cases and the exact dates, even the exact damn town, lol. It was crazy. I'm getting off the computer a little earlier today so I have time to wind down before bed. I need to teach this insomnia a lesson.

First day of school.

This was my last 'first day of high school'. It felt great for about five minutes on the bus. Then I entered the doors of the school and realized the hidden part of that sentence: But you still have 180 days to go through.

And that hurt

So it was overall, breezy. We did some first day get-to-know-each-other activities that required talking, which I loathed. I have lunch and fifth hour with Nova, which is gonna be pretty rad. I have lunch with Nova, Indie, and Carrie, which is cool, although in general I'm really just excited about Nova and Indie. I don't have any homework today, mom just has to sign some sheets and that's it. I'm still wondering why the sleeping pill I took last night hardly helped. I mean yeah, it made me impossibly drowsy to the point when I got up to use the bathroom at one in the morning, I could hardly feel my legs, but it didn't really knock me out. Maybe I should take four instead of two next time?

I'm not really excited about this year, I mean I am a little, but basically only for Literature. Turns out I bought that mp3 player for... well not nothing... but I can't listen to music in power walking, which sucks. That's 95% of the reason I got it in the first place. At least I have music for the morning and walking to/ from the annex.

Turns out they have the same lunch schedule. Chicken nuggets on monday, etc, etc. I was hoping they'd switch it up, do something different.

Apparently not.

Turns out Glen is in my psychology class. I was 99% sure I'd go the rest of my highschool career without seeing him again. Oh well.

I should probably make this blog private. Idk, it's just there's personal stuff on here, it's practically an online diary. Ehhhh. I wish there were a setting that said: School friends and I could just flick the switch.

The Party! :D

so I went to a party today for my friend Ren, who's leaving for college! It was super fun :) I'm not going to lie it's the most fun I've genuinely had in a long time. There were people there I didn't know, but we talked and got to know eachother and in the end it was really awesome. Everybody brought cd's, and I thought how'd they have enough money for all those cd's but then I realized they were cd's they borrowed from Ren that they were returning, but then I was like, how on earth did you have time to borrow all those cd's? Haha. His friends were really funny, and I played Mario Kart with a couple of them. Saturn (she's transgender, I'm really glad she found herself) taught me how to do 'The Cup Song', it's pretty fun but also difficult. A true mind teaser, haha. Also, Len's mom made these awesome inside out jalépeno (did I spell that right?) poppers that were sweet! But yeah, I'm glad I actually left the house for once. Even though he had a cat, and half the time I was like, derp, I can't breathe. Haha.

Ps: We watched funny youtube videos towards the end when everybody left and it was just him, Ellie, Saturn and this girl Stacy. It was great! We watched 'Don't hug me I'm scared', and this utterly hilarious harry potter spoof. 

Pss: I saw Ellie for the first time in forever there as well, I really missed her, like, holy cow, haha. 

Invited to a Party

I'm invited to a party tomorrow for my friend Len. I want to go, but I don't. I'm a bit socially awkward and usually grumpy, haha. And I don't know if I know many of his friends. Plus, I hope it's not a big party because big parties freak me out. I've never been a party person. I don't know. I mean if I can always ask Ethan (my brother) to get me or something if It's too much, but... eh.... ehh....

Weight

I'm back up to 110 pounds. I cried a little over it. I knew that the 105lbs - 109lbs of the summer wouldn't last forever, I always lose weight in the middle of the summer and gain it back by the end. I just hope I don't go back to 114. I really need counseling. I'm also really upset because they're taking fine arts away from my school district (elementary) next year, and my mom is a band teacher, which means she'll probably be laid off. I really don't want to have to live with my dad. I think that would kill me.

First Sleepover

So my first sleepover was either in second, third or forth grade I cannot recall which, but I was just thinking about her ( she's sort of a bitch nowadays), and I remembered one thing more than the event itself. Despite us dancing to the Cheetah Girls and me sleeping in another girl's room for a night, one emotion plagued me the whole time. Jealousy. You see, Brittany ( that was her name) was mixed. Pure mixed. Like one white mom and a black dad. And that wasn't even it. It was that even though they were different, they got along. And I was so leary of her dad. I felt he'd snap if I said something, because that's what my dad did, tired after work. When I did see her dad, he smiled, happier than my dad ever looked, and said hi, all bubbly and whatnot. It confused me. It made me mad. Sad. And I never told anybody. Until now. I felt like I should. Before I forget, or something.

Austin

So, I went back to Urban Outfitters today and yes he was working there. I got to talk to him again and asked out for coffee, but he's taken. Shmur. Oh well, I'm happy I actually went for it, otherwise I'd have never known. I did find out that his name is Austin though, hurray for double A's! At least I'm... acquainted with him now? Haha. Part of me thinks perhaps now that I've officially made things awkward he won't want to be.

Dear Dad,

The bottom line is that one day when you're old and dying you're going to ask all your seven kids to visit you in that stench filled nursing home, and while everybody else may not even care for their taste of revenge, they'll plainly say no. I, on the other hand, will try my best to remember all those times, and say

"We'll see."

Shopping!!

So yesterday I went shopping with Nova and Indie. Sorry I didn't blog about it yesterday, I ended up staying up until 3 on my computer for the first time... well honestly I don't think I've stayed up that late on my computer all summer yet.

But yeah I went shopping with them at the Galleria, it was a lot of fun. I just really wanted to tell you about the guy that was my cashier, because I don't know, I just really liked him a lot. He was really sweet, I did the 2 for $24 deal they have there for tee shirts, but one was online, so I had to go behind the desk next to him to you know, see which tee shirt it was I wanted (I knew for sure because I've wanted that shirt since april lol). And whenever I'm next to somebody I really like I can feel more, in a way, so he was leaning against the desk on his hands and I may or may not have totally felt the heat radiating off his arms. There's something comforting about that. I don't know. I eventually found the shirt, so I had to go back to the front of the desk, and I ordered it and everything. I had to make an account though (to order), so I had to put all my details (name address etc) into this gadget thingy. I hope he read some of it and knows my name, but I don't know. He did look at it when I gave it to him though, so maybe? All I know is I don't know his name at all, haha :(. 

I just wanted to tell you about him because he was especially kind and had a nice velvety voice, and if I could go back in time I would. Not like I'd have the guts to ask him out for starbucks or something, but I don't know. I don't know. (He even let me take a picture of him! :))) I asked first of course, haha)