Arika

I can't tell you how sorry I am that you're seven years old right now, and you're stuck with my father for another eleven years. I wish I could help you, I wish there were some sort of manual I could give you to deal with our father, but honestly I still don't have him figured out. I probably never will.

My mom would always tell me that our dad loves us all, he just has a different way of showing it. I used to believe that with all my heart. I used to cling to that thought whenever I visited him, but I don't think I can anymore. I don't think I should be around him anymore. He's caused a lot of damage in my life. A lot of emotional scars that may never heal entirely or the right way. I shouldn't have to have a father who can't pick up his kids every other weekend like he's supposed to. I shouldn't have to stay up at night thinking and thinking and thinking about the time he nearly killed my mom. I shouldn't be pulling out my hair over trying to figure out why nothing I do is enough. Arika, one day, you'll realize that our dad is emotionally and verbally abusive, and after that, you'll realize that you don't need him, and he's probably going to never change. I just hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me. I don't know if our father loves us. I don't know if it's possible for him to love. I don't know if he ever did. I do know, that if he does, he has a shitty way of showing it, and he needs to get it right before I let myself back into his life. I wish I could see you, but if seeing you means seeing our father, I just can't.

Abusive people get their power from the people who they can sucker into staying with them.

I'm not going to let myself be a victim anymore.