Anxiety

Maybe I'm looking at this more like I'm the victim, I don't know. Math is going terrible again. I was going to stay after for tutoring today but apparently there wasn't tutoring because the teacher that volunteered wasn't even there today. I nearly missed my bus. I just want everything to be over. I want to be anxiety free most of all, though. Even my social anxiety is getting worse, but I don't think that's math. That's just me. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't even talk to people I used to be able to talk to and it's my own fault. I don't know what to do to make myself realize everyone doesn't hate me and it's all in my head but most times I try to talk to people I think of everything there is to hate and then I couldn't possibly try to talk to them. People think I act the way I act to make them laugh or I'm just awkward but not many people know that I actually have anxiety and honestly I don't want to tell anybody because then they'll treat me differently. Like there's something wrong with me, ugh. I can't go through that again.

weird ghost dream

I totally had a dream that I had sex with a ghost last night. He was amazing, haha. I forgot the rest of what happened but I'm sure it'll come to me as the day goes on.

dfwhehwkejhr

Today ai felt so overwhelmed by homework that I had to leave and go upstairs. Even though Senior year is almost over, I don't know how much more I can take. Plus, I just know I'm going to fail the math final, and if I don't pass, what then? I can't bear the thought of having spent a whole semester in math, slaving and crying and having panic attacks over it, just to have to take it again in college.... I hope Mrs Athena wouldn't do that to me... She knows I'm trying... I just don't know what to do. I wish I could run away to San Francisco and never come back. Become somebody else, become a millionaire off of my books, and just live. Sure, I'm alive, but my entire life I've felt only that. Just being alive. Not actually living. And there's a difference. Smiling while skydiving from three hundred feet isn't the same smiling while getting an ID picture taken at work or school. That's the difference between being alive, and living.

Zoo

Today the senior class went to the Zoo during school as the rest of the school took the ACT. It was really fun! I hung out with Hayley, Azariah, Kyra, Danielle, Lauren, and Ashleah. I got to pet stingrays, see cool/ cute animals, and see the seals too, the seals are the... second best (The stingrays were definitely the best, their skin is so smooth, and two of them kissed my hand! They were the cutest little sea creatures ever, haha). I had some awesome chicken strips too, even if they did skip out on my serving ><" The only bad thing was that I didn't get a souvenir, and on the bus ride back a spider nearly fell on me on a web, it was just flying around, right over my legs. Ugh. Mark saved me, bless him, haha. Also, it was kinda awkward, because nobody really knew Ashleah forreal and I think she was really uncomfortable. She kept leaving and coming back and didn't seem to be enjoying herself. I felt really bad, but what was I supposed to do? It was borderline irritating because I knew it was going to happen either with her or Nicole. Grr..... why can't all my friends love eachother? Haha. So much drama. I'm just sick of it... anyway, yeah. The zoo was awesome. It sorta sucked because my painting was due today and I'm still not finished, although Olivia helped out, a lot. Seriously. If It weren't for her it would probably have taken me like two more days. Mrs Morris is so unforgiving. I haven't even worked on my presentation for next Friday and it has to be perfect or you get a bad grade. I can't keep looking back at the screen and stammer and stutter. Nobody understands how important it is that I practice, because all the teachers have been doing is assigning more and more and more homework. What am I supposed to do? I can't do it all.

I got another nineteen on the ACT. If anything, it's like a huge slap to the face. I mean I did it to myself, I determine what grade I make, but I honestly don't know why I keep getting the same score. I'd almost feel better if I did worse, because honestly I sort of expected a worse score this time and the fact that I still got a 19 just makes me want to shoot myself. I know I've already been accepted into SIUC but nobody wants a fucking 19. Not even a college. I'm still surprised I got in. I'm waiting for them to realize they got the wrong name or something and there's another Alyssa Thomas with a 26 or something that they actually haven't met yet. It's just really depressing. It would be cool if I could impress people. I can't even impress myself.

Caring

The bottom line is

I'm not happy until

I'm holding my

Stomach in

So bad it hurts,

And I'm not ready to spill

Until I'm about

Ready to hurt myself,

And I'm the most fragile

Person I know and

Nobody else sees it

Or cares enough to look

And maybe it's

Just because I'm tired

But sometimes I

Don't even care enough

About myself.

Muse

Can you explain to me

Why I still write about you

Every other day

And why i check 

My hair before

Every class with you 

In it

And why sometimes at night

I press on my hip bones

And pretend it's you

Everytime

I pretend its you

Dad

I wish I knew why my dad never answers the phone. I swear sometimes he just downright rejects the call. It just hurts.

Weird puzzle piece

I forgot to tell you something yesterday. No, that's a lie. I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell you or not...

I quit band a year ago. Specifically, I quit band the second semester of Junior year. I knew it wasn't for me anymore when I came back from Winter break, walked into the band room third hour, and... It just hit me, you know? Sort of a "Why the fuck am I in here" type of thing. I didn't want to do the scales on the Marimba. I didn't want to play the timpani. I didn't want to look at the snare drums. I didn't want to look at sheet music ever again... I wanted to tear it up. My heart was rebelling against my mind. To be honest, band was always... something that I fed off my friends interest to keep my interest up... I can't describe it. My freshman year, every time my brother would come back from a competition, he'd brag about it. For ages he'd go on about how fun it was and he'd always end it with "So yeah, join band." Join band, Alyssa. Join band. Join join join. So finally I just did it, you know? Why not. (I'd been in band since fourth grade before that, so it wasn't like I was picking up anything new). I joined it and yeah, I liked it. It was fun. I made friends. I felt like I was a part of a huge family, and I was. I really was. They still want me back... I wish that Ethan hadn't done that though. I wanted to be in acting. That was my goal. I even put it above band on my 8th grade freshman year course request. They put me in art... Which I'm losing interest in too... I can never keep interest in anything for long enough to want to have a career in it... except writing, but... what if my book doesn't sell? I don't know. What I'm trying to say is, Saturday after the play, I stayed for the cast meeting even though I'm not in the cast (Indie invited me in). It made me feel... really alone. I don't know. Like the lyrics "Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room". I just sorta felt, like, I'm not in band anymore, I'm not in acting, even though I wanted to be. I'm not a part of any huge club or group in the school. I'm just me. It's just me. And when I thought that, I don't know... it hit me really hard. I went home and sorta just... well if I didn't have internet access to blog about it, I probably would have been up all night crying. It hurts when I think about how alone I really am in everything. I wish I had something to be a part of.

Nova

With Nova, basically, the memories outweigh the bad things, and that's what makes me hold on.

Blogger

The more I think about it, the more I think I should probably go back to writing diary entries versus  using blogger. I mean what if one day Blogger is discontinued or something? I have poems on here that aren't even written down. I'd hate to lose them... I don't know. Something to think about.

I just got back from the play at school. Actually, it was a compilation of four, Carmen, Fear, Worst Day, and something else ermm... I forgot the name of the last one. They were all really great, but I think 'Fear' was my favorite. As usual, I didn't vote. I'm interested in other's opinions.

Indie and I talked about a mutual fear of 'being the second choice'. I'm glad I'm not the only one that has that weird fear, haha. I mean, for me it's more of an all around anxiety thing. I took a 6 hour test last week to see if I had any disorders like Anxiety, depression, ADD, etc. I think I probably have all of the above...

A couple days ago in third hour, we were talking about Xanax and stuff, and I got sorta scared because I didn't know Xanax was addictive and I don't want to become addicted to any pills, that's the last thing I need going into college. Maybe there's an alternative? Plus, I don't want to take a pill if it's going to alter how I am. Sometimes people take antidepressants and become entirely different people. I guess I still want to be me, ironically, because most times all I want is to be somebody else...

Old Friend

So when I was getting my prom ticket I ran into Dawn. I hope she does well in life. I mean I know she will because she always is eight because she's Dawn, and I don't even know why I care so much but I guess even after all the drama I still consider her a friend of mine and a great person. Idk. Also, I wrote a really good poem today. I may type it on here later.

Nova

I can't sleep because of you,

You see, when people like you

Enter my life, I always question it.

Motives, reasons,

It's stupid, because

Of you want to talk to me

It's because you want to,

But you usually walk the same way as me

So why today?

Nova

I shouldn't be feeling this angry first thing in the morning, but I am, and it's because of you. I don't want the red firey drama of ending our friendship, so I'm going to hold on until the end of the school year. After that, good luck getting anything out of me. I need to get away from you. Don't try to make me understand why you need me to stay. I'm leaving you because you're a bitch. I can't deal with people who steal and get away with it, or treat their friends like shot and blame the friend for no reason other than crying when you yelled at them. Also, you're not as strong as you make yourself out to be. You're mentally and physically weaker than all of your friends. Don't try to make yourself seem stronger than your friends as they're standing next to you. That's a tip. "Kit? She's nothing to be afraid of. I'm the one you need to be afraid of." No. You're the one that will drag them into the ground along with you. Pathetic.

Nova

You're going to keep treating people like shit and push them away and some will walk away and soon enough you're going to find yoursf entirely alone and nothing you make up or blame it on or say will make you come back because you would have used up all the excuses. You know what I think? I think you're a spoiled brat. I used to think maybe it was the home life or maybe she'd just had it so hard growing up, but I have my own fucking peoblems, and my childhood was just as shitty as yours was, so don't come at me with that stereotypical I was abused so you have to love me bullshit. So was I, but I don't treat everyone who ever loved me like shit. I don't even know of I believe that you have aspergers. How do I know you didn't make it up to make people feel bad? You've called wolf too many times. You don't deserve me. You're peobably one of the worst people I've ever befriended. I wish I would have listened to everybody in middle school when they tried to get me away from you. I'd have been a lot better off.

abusive relationship poem

I actually really like the rain

And I used to open

The windows a little

To hear the thunder more

But you closed them 

Because "water would seep in"

Even though that never happened.

And once you

Bought me expensive makeup

And I felt really great

Until you commanded me

To cover the bruises.

And sometimes when

I'm on the beach

I think about the time we fought

So bad that in the end

I thought maybe if I just

Swam far out enough 

I could end it all.

And you'd make fun of my ocd

Even though actually

It might have saved me a couple times

I could never get the note just right.

Still can't.

student teacher?

I've never been so hopelessly, shamefully attracted to a teacher in my whole entire life. Not a teacher thats been here. (Hell no). Honestly, it's a student teacher (I keep reminding myself this is a private blogger but I still feel like he's reading it this very second). He's so attractive it makes me want to hit a wall. Seriously. It kills me. He's also my faculty advisor so I get to see him a lot, well, now that I turned in my paper I guess I'll see less and less of him. :( Ugh. I wish he could have been here longer. I swear I feel absolutely disgusting around him, haha. The other day I was getting my paper back from him after senior literature and just.. Ahhh.... He also has really nice eyes. They're really blue. Thats probably what gets to me so much. Haha. There's not that many captivating blue eyes, but this is one of those times that really puts me to the test. Ugh. I need to hurry up and graduate.