Weird puzzle piece

I forgot to tell you something yesterday. No, that's a lie. I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell you or not...

I quit band a year ago. Specifically, I quit band the second semester of Junior year. I knew it wasn't for me anymore when I came back from Winter break, walked into the band room third hour, and... It just hit me, you know? Sort of a "Why the fuck am I in here" type of thing. I didn't want to do the scales on the Marimba. I didn't want to play the timpani. I didn't want to look at the snare drums. I didn't want to look at sheet music ever again... I wanted to tear it up. My heart was rebelling against my mind. To be honest, band was always... something that I fed off my friends interest to keep my interest up... I can't describe it. My freshman year, every time my brother would come back from a competition, he'd brag about it. For ages he'd go on about how fun it was and he'd always end it with "So yeah, join band." Join band, Alyssa. Join band. Join join join. So finally I just did it, you know? Why not. (I'd been in band since fourth grade before that, so it wasn't like I was picking up anything new). I joined it and yeah, I liked it. It was fun. I made friends. I felt like I was a part of a huge family, and I was. I really was. They still want me back... I wish that Ethan hadn't done that though. I wanted to be in acting. That was my goal. I even put it above band on my 8th grade freshman year course request. They put me in art... Which I'm losing interest in too... I can never keep interest in anything for long enough to want to have a career in it... except writing, but... what if my book doesn't sell? I don't know. What I'm trying to say is, Saturday after the play, I stayed for the cast meeting even though I'm not in the cast (Indie invited me in). It made me feel... really alone. I don't know. Like the lyrics "Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room". I just sorta felt, like, I'm not in band anymore, I'm not in acting, even though I wanted to be. I'm not a part of any huge club or group in the school. I'm just me. It's just me. And when I thought that, I don't know... it hit me really hard. I went home and sorta just... well if I didn't have internet access to blog about it, I probably would have been up all night crying. It hurts when I think about how alone I really am in everything. I wish I had something to be a part of.