My love said he was angry
the last time I saw him here.
He yelled at me and called me names
then hit me with a chair
But still, when he was done,
he claimed he'd always be there.
He claimed he'd never leave.
As I was laying there.

My love said that he loved me
the first time he saw me there
While the wind blew about my hair
And he said he'd always love me
And he said he'd always care.
T'was no harm to be done there
There was no harm anywhere.

My love told me about her
And told me I shouldn't cry.
He said there was a reason why.
So I tried not to cry,
but I didn't try hard enough,
because he looked me in the eyes
Slapped me clean across my face
But still, him, I could not despise.

My love told me that he loved me
as he left the room with her
in the sheets that we once shared
The stench of lust stuck in the air.
So I finally got up and did what I truly couldn't bear
to hear of a wife do to her husband
never in a million years.

I told my love I loved him
as I backed him to a corner
With a hot knife in my hand
Weight of one hundred boulders
And when I finished one machine
I went along to his mechanic
Who he claimed was not to stay
And, over her, he commanded me not to panic.

I told my love I loved him as I put his things away.
I told my love I loved him as I hid his whore away.
I told my love I loved him as I said "See you one day."
But that day was not today,
But that day was not today.

Lately I've been really off about people talking to me. asking me about band. I feel like I told people why I left a billion times, I've even told the same people over and over that I wasn't and still I'm asked: Hey Kit, why'd you leave band?

And yeah, Kit the percussionist misses the thrills of ice cold nights in the middle of nowhere after playing at competitions, but Kitten the artist wishes it would simply disappear, the memories, all of it. I love it when they say they miss me, the flattery is enough for days but part of me feels it's wrong for me even enjoying it and that maybe I should do the safe thing and just go back, but I know I'd be punching myself in the face next year right about now for wasting a credit hour, and I don't even necessarily want to go back. But it would have been nice to be Kit, first chair percussionist. Kit, the section leader.

But now I get to be Kit, the girl that designed the front cover of the homecoming ticket for 2013, and that's a start to something new, right?

I'm not good with first dates

we could listen to mixtapes

try to ignore the news radio

some woman got raped

and what can I say?

There's nothing else to do today

may as well shoot myself

but gee I wonder "which gate?"

I can't explain

but all I do is complain

about how much I really hate

how my life turned out

But I never do anything about it

I would rather go cloud it

but I'm short on my money

so then I guess I'll just pout.

Not the best poet

sad thing is the whole world knows it

and I don't have much to prove them wrong

"wanna listen to my new song?"

I can't really escape

this feeling blows

but I guess I'll have to wait

until the next show.

From the day you're born you're practically preparing for the day you die, and that really pisses me off. From day one I was worried about elementary school, then worried about middle school, then worried about high school, now I'm stuck worrying about a damn ACT I can't take until April and the fact that I have to raise it too points really makes me want to shove my hand through a wall and I don't know how to really cope with everything right now, I don't know what to do and I don't know what I'm doing. I wish there were a way to escape this feeling. I really want to just be and not have to worry about shit every second of my life.

I can't believe my mom doesn't remember me telling her I was suicidal back in middle school though. I don't get it. It was late, but she was listening, she looked at me and was really quiet, I remember this like it was yesterday. Did I dream it or something? I don't know. I feel like shit. How could she not remember? I  had to explain to her how the night went and she still didn't remember. How could you forget I told you I was suicidal? I wanted to kill myself. I'd thought of hanging myself with sheets from the closet at my dad's house. I'd thought of jumping off the mississippi bridge. I'd thought of so many ways and I wrote it down and fucking threw it away after I showed my step sister. Does she remember? does anyone remember? was I that invisible? Really? I don't get it. What the fuck, how could you not remember? HOW COULD YOU NOT REMEMBER?

Today I went in my first college tour to Lindenwood (except the time I went with Ethan when he was checking the place out). It was awesome! The dorms seem pretty cool, and there's a library with a coffee shop (it looks like it's right out of Harry Potter, haha). I really want to go there but it's a little expensive. I'll probably have to go to community college first, and raise my ACT score by two points... I don't know how I'll do that. I mean I took it once and got a 18 and I thought oh well, I'm only a sophomore, next time I'll proabably get a 20. The next time I got a 19. I just don't think I can do it. I really don't. On the brightside, the tour guide was adorable! His eyes were super green with a bit of a blue undertone. They were a little like a deer's eyes, attentive, soft. His hair was golden & curly. Nice smile. We all nearly ran into a thick spiderweb, and his reaction was so cute! He spun around super quick when my mom screamed due to a junebug, wide eyed and whatnot. He thought he did something wrong, haha. And I freaked out because he freaked out, haha. It was really awesome, he was really awesome. (:

Afterwards, we went to Eckert's, which was fun. Vanessa and I rode rides and went on this bounce thingy. We picked apples. I got two green ones for my friend who rides the same bus as me, Slater. He's pretty cool. Mom said that when Vanessa and I were on the bouncy thingy we looked really happy and it reminded her of the old times (the happy parts, that is). It made me happy to know that it made her happy. I also found out that Vanessa's seeing a counselor too, which in all honesty, really pissed me off. When I was in seventh grade I was suicidal. I wrote suicide letters in my diary, plotted ways to do it. Pictured it so many times it drove me crazy, but there was one thing that held me back, and that was the pit of guilt my mom would be trapped in the rest of my life if I did it. If I were one of those sad statistic kids I'd have been the ghost of a memory by now. I even told my mom I was suicidal in middle school, but she doesn't remember. When I told her that she was confused, unable to remember it at all. That made me feel special. I guess I'm just upset because even after I told my mom I was suicidal I didn't have counseling, and Vanessa has issues but I doubt they're as bad as the ones I was going through. I just wish everything wasn't so damn easy for her.

Dates

I dated a Doctor
that collected scalpels
He cut my heart out
And sold it to a chapel
I dated a priest
but it was a secret
(he pledged to the lord
that he would truly keep it)
I dated a swimmer
that lived for the sea
he loved water so much
Is that why I'm still crying?
I dated a writer
who wrote in a journal
I found out his topics
(Made me want to hurl)
I dated a tech geek
that loved the new gadgets
He drove me so crazy
I was searching for hatchets
I dated a singer
who wrote me these songs.
They made my brain melt
and my heart sing along
I think he's the best thing
that's happened to me
But by my past experience
he'll probably leave me.

So long
to the lemonade sun
the E. Taylor eyes sky
The watermelon green grass
waves in the wind wondering why
And did you notice
that the thick air
doesn't match the thin hairs
left in the brush of the dead girl?
And did you think twice
did you realize that
the bright sun doesn't match
the violet velvet sky
wannabe rockstar tights
the bright lights won't turn on.
Do you think those tender thoughts
danced like ludacris imps
as the red of her mothers dress
left her hands and her chest?
Do you think she thought of the dress
or the fact she'll never wear it?
The lemonade sun laughs and jokes about
the velvet violet sky and how
it'll never be as pretty but
Who the fuck likes lemonade?

Today was a long day. I hate September 11th because everybody talks about the 9/11 attacks, and it's really depressing. One of the memorial videos I watched in Psychology made me want to vomit. It sucked. It's good they're still going over it every year, it deserves that. The victims, alive and dead, deserve that, but some of the videos they show... I think some of them are definitely too graphic. I actually saw dead bodies, people jumping... s i g h .

On the brightside, today my art was chosen for the cover of the homecoming tickets at our school, so I won a free ticket, yay! :) I felt really good about it because I think me and maybe Leia (who wasn't there for the choosing, bummer) were the only two who haven't been in the class today, and as a noob I got my art chosen, which makes me feel, well, proud. :) It's not often I'm actually this happy to be me, so, I'm trying to live it, for a while. I'm still in shock, lol. I keep expecting him to change his mind out of the blue.

PS: I'm watching Dawson's Creek now. It's so awesome, Dawson is adorable! It's cool seeing Kate Holmes as a teen in the show.

So much is stressing me out I can't even fucking breathe. I try this thing when I try to exhale and picture all the stressful things like, leaving my body when I exhale, but it's not working anymore. I'm really just upset because I feel like my dad doesn't care about me, and my best friend is more willing to take time to contact her ex boyfriend who she's supposedly 'done with', but she can't even get on facebook to talk to me. How much does she care about me? I feel like I love everybody in my life more than they could ever love me, and it's tearing me up. I'm turning inside out.

Dad

Why do you keep forgetting to pick me up? I get the feeling you don't care. And I get that feeling a lot. More than a daughter should. I'm tired after school and I still do my homework. Are you so tired you can't pick up your own kids?

Fairies

Darling,
If I had forever
that's how long I'd wait
And while I'd wait
I'd collect flowers
from all the 50 states
So that when I'd finally meet you
I'd have enough for crowns
And we would become fairies
so that never again 
would we touch the ground.

Noticing me

More people are noticing me this year. More people notice when I look upset. they talk to me and ask what's wrong. It's weird. I'm not used to people, even people I hardly know, caring about me. Is it because I'm a senior?

Made an acquaintance today, his name is Derek and we both love the Strokes! Hurray! Most people at North haven't heard of them. Hmm. He's cool. His project looks really cool in AP Art, he's doing this music note abstract art with oil pastels. It's neato! Mine is of a girl who struggles with keeping herself sane while trying to also help others. It's based off of me. I wonder if anybody will ever figure it out.

I feel like I burden my mom more than I should. She tries her best to hide it but sometimes I know she's upset, and most times I know it's me. I ask her for the world every day. I ask her to braid my hair at night and take me everywhere all the damn time. I'm dependent on everybody except myself, and it infuriates me. I wish I could be on my own more. I wish I could give my mom a break. Whenever I wake up and she has that familiar 'something's wrong' pursed lips look, it makes me feel like it was me, even if it wasn't. I'd tell her this, but she's probably insist it isn't me and push past it. I wish I had a counselor already. That's another thing I keep bugging her about that dampers the mood, but it's not my fault she keeps forgetting...

*yells furiously*

My mom pissed off because she's been out all weekend and spending a lot of money for my birthday, and it pisses me off because with the city museum yesterday that wasn't even my idea! She said she'd take us to go get our nails done, us being ALL THE GIRLS. I said no, that's too expensive and as an alternative I suggested the city museum b/c it's only 12 per person, we didn't have to go anywhere!!!! UGH! I shouldn't have went anywhere, I should have known this was going to happen and she'd pin it on me. Fuck.

Birthday Weekend

So, August 31st was my birthday. I had a sleepover from that saturday to sunday, which was really fun, I loved it! Zuri, Ellie, Nova & Indie were there, we watched a bunch of old movies like The Road To El Dorado, Barbie in The Nutcracker and Our Lips Are Sealed (With the olsen twins). We also made a blanket fort and slept under it, which totally made my night. And the next day we went to the City Museum, which was also! (Except for when somebody nearly stole Indie's phone, which really pissed everybody off).  And today we had Monday off because of labor day, so we went to the Japanese festival at the botanical gardens :3 It was a lot of fun, I just got back, actually. It's september now, it's getting so close to autumn, I can hardly wait, ah! ♡♡♡