Josh...

WOW IT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU COULD JUST NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN?????? LIKE I APOLOGIZED A BUNCH OF TIMES AND BOUGHT YOU YOUR FAVORITE FUCKING ROOT BEER AND YOU'RE STILL MAD? OKAY COOL THANKS FOR REMINDING ME HOW MUCH OF A FUCK UP I AM AND THAT I CAN NEVER KEEP MY FRIENDS WITHOUT DOING SOMETHING STUPID BECAUSE I FUCKING SWEAR THAT'S HOW ALL MY FUCKING FRIENDSHIPS END. THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE DEPRESSION OR ANXIETY OR ANYTHING AND LITERALLY EVERY BAD THING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE REPLAYS OVER AND OVER BECAUSE MY CONSCIOUS MIXED WITH MY FUCKED UP ANXIETY AND THEY WONT LET ME FORGET ANYTHING. LITERALLY ANYTHING. SO THANKS, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

Josh

I care too much about you and it's an issue. I'm going to keep messing up and my best guess is that you're not going to keep letting me; you'll leave like everyone else. I can feel it.

Go Away

So I talked to a homeless guy today, because of course with me being me, I always try to talk to people, even people that I have no business talking to. So of course when this guy asked me for a fucking dollar for a hot dog, I stammered "Sorry, I don't have any money." And let me tell you, I honestly feel like the biggest sack of shit right now. Not to mention looking into the dude's eyes hurt because he had a face where you could tell he'd just seen too much shit that people aren't supposed to see. I don't know. Not to mention almost during our entire "Nature walk" nearly everyone was kinda being a little shit, like when I dropped my stuff off inside and had to use the bthroom by time I got back out, they weren't even waiting anymore, and I had to catch up to them. They seriously do that almost every time we do anything together. They even did it last time, which actually really pissed me off then too. Like seriously, what is it with them and waiting? I always wait for them! I just don't get it. And when Sarah was going to take a picture of me, Meg decided to fake hit me in the face (what the literal fuck?) And so I threw my ice cream at her, and Josh was really pissed about it because he actually bought it for me (I didn't have my wallet) And seriously are you going to get that mad about it so that..... God.... I'm honestly just so sick of my friends here and I'm sick of this school and I'm sick of this stupid fucking dorm. I wish I could teleport home along with all my shit and just fucking stay there.

Fuck

I've felt like dying all day. I feel so stressed out about school right now, it's killing me...

Basically, I have two D's in Geography and Math, and if it gets worse, I'll basically be failing two classes. That would put my GPA dangerously low, to the point I'm 99% sure they'd put me on academic probation. At that point, honestly I'd may as well have went to Lindenwood, as they'd have accepted me, only that I'd be on academic probation. I don't know. Just piling on reasons as to why I should have never went to college.

Nick

I don't really like to see my friends drunk. On top of that, seeing a love interest drunk is a little too much. At least not this early. I want to like you but staggering in here made me realize how young we both are and how we both make mistakes, but really, they're preventible. I coukd prevent ever seeing you drunk again by simply saying I don't want to see you anymore, but I do want to see you... I don't know. I'm too stressed out.

Nick

I just got back from my date and it was AMAZING!!!!!!

I even got my hair done today, and he really likes it ^_^ Makes me happy, haha.
Also, before the date we got to go to this really cool organic grocery store, and it had a bunch of cool stuff, even Amy's Organic Pizza! And the place we went to, Long branch Cafe, it was really amazing!!!!! I had their spinach Lasagna, and it was the best Lasagna EVER. I think I really like him... I don't know. I haven't actually had a crush on a guy in a while. I was nervous when we first went into the restaurant, but as time went by I just felt really comfortable and... happy. It would have helped if I weren't so stressed out about my grades the whole time, haha ^_^ "

Ps: He even let me drive his car! He taught me how to park :") He's amazing.

Nick

I think you're really cool, and I honestly like you a lot.
Please understand that if I don't date you right away, it's not for any other reason than
I'm scared of getting hurt.
I'm so scared that I'll get into a relationship with you and ruin everything
I don't know.
It's what I'm good at.
Overthinking until I scare them away.
Being paranoid to the point it's annoying
And you'd constantly have to deal with my depression and anxiety
there will be days I feel like scum and I'll need you to be there and tell me I'll be okay,
and there will be good days, and they'll be really good,
And then you'll end up thinking,
"Why can't she be like all the time?"
And when you leave I'll forgive you,
because that's just what I do.
I forgive even the people
that drag me through the dirt
and I hate it.....

I'm scared to be with you because of what I might do.
I just don't want you to get tired of me like a lot of other people have.

...

I don't get why she only opens up to you. It pisses me off so much. If there were something on my mind that I needed someone to know, I wouldn't have an issue telling her! Why doesn't she tell me anything but the basics? It's annoying! The reason I'm still so indifferent to her now is because most times I feel like she barely fucking cares about anyone but you. And you keep standing up for her... I don't know. Maybe I'm just jealous. It makes me so mad that you care about her so much. I wouldn't ever have the patience for someone so apathetic. Whatever.

Disability

I am disabled. I guess I have been all my life, whether it was my sensory decifiency enduced eating disorder, or my asthma, my anxiety, or my depression. I've never not been disabled, so I don't know why it's any surprise that I just came back from the disability center. The man there gave my papers for my counselor to sign. I feel so worthless. All I want is to feel okay, and no matter how hard I just can't. Will I ever be? 

Ryan

When you told me you'd attempted suicide three times my heart caught in my throat. I feel relieved knowing someone else understands my depression and anxiety, but I'm also scared because of how bad yours is. Please don't ever kill yourself. Everyone in your life is a light, okay? Right now you're in a tunnel. Without you, there's no tunnel to begin with. And all of your friends and families have tunnels just like you, so if you remove yourself from the web of tunnels, there's gonna be a giant hole and the lights in your tunnel will go out forever, and you'll make everyone elses tunnel that knows you just that much darker. You're one of the lights in my tunnel, Ryan. I need you to be okay. One day you're going to be a super amazing voice actor, and a kid's going to be watching some pixar movie in 2050 and say "I wish I could be like that guy". I promise you that it gets better. I know I don't have it as bad as you, but I know that suicide is something that's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, so is it really worth it? You wont eacape your problems by killing yourself, you'll just put them on all your friends and families' backs. I'm not guilt tripping you, it's only the truth. But I'm rambling now. Sorry. I just... don't do it, okay Ryan? Don't do it.

I'm waiting on my friend Nick to come to the Library, so I'm going to list things I don't like

And it has nothing to do with Nick, I actually like him a lot.

1. automatic toilets
2. automatic sinks
3. babies who just wont stop crying
4. writers block
5. not understanding math
6. not remembering important things
7. forgetting a writing utensil
8. the smell of food when I don't have money to buy food and I'm actually pretty hungry (right now)
9. Bad music
10. country music (kinda ties in with bad music)
11. falling for someone who doesn't like you back
12. low battery on my laptop
13. low battery on my phone
14. dead battery (laptop, phone, etc)
15. cockiness
16. when people put words into my mouth
17. people against feminism
18. Mathematics in general
19. School
20. feeling lonely
21. Being around too many people (crowds)
22. Panic attacks
23. my anxiety
24. depression
25. people who think stripes and poka-dots go together
26. People who wear one color of clothing at a time (full red outfit, full yellow outfit, etc)
27. Old people who dress like teenagers (a middle aged man just passed by me in a fucking hoodie. You're middle aged, dude. Accept it.)
28. when my friends move away
29. Songs that remind me of bad times but it's actually a really good song and I want to listen to it but I can't because of that one thing.
30. being talked about behind my back
31. walking through mud in shoes that I really really like
32. Reading a book or listening to a band, and then it goes mainstream and everybody else knows about it and all of a sudden you don't feel so cool for liking "underground artists" and you feel like everyone else and you feel the need to find something else nobody knows about so that people don't think you're boring. (or is that just me?)

Nova

I'm so proud of you.
I'm so happy you're finally doing something for yourself and choosing to do what you want to do and not what everybody else says you should do. I wish I were as brave as you, girl.

Bravo.

Guys

I'm sorry if I worried you today. I need to draw away from you guys. I'm in too deep. I care too much about you guys, and I know it's not going to work out, so I have to leave you guys before it's too late. My plan is to slowly creep out of your lives. I'll be fine. I feel unimportant at this point, and I feel like I don't matter. I know for a fact I care more about you guys than you care about me, because as mad as I am at a lot of you, I still stick around. I feel like it wouldn't matter if I left, honestly. Tell me, what do you all think of me? How do you see me? Sometimes when I'm with you guys, I feel like I'm not there. The worst part is that I don't know if it's you guys, or if it's my depression. I feel so out of it. I feel out of place at SIU in general, honestly. Sometimes I just want to disappear. Sometimes I feel the need to.

Nathan

You're dancing on thin ice with everyone in the initial group. That's not a good thing, dude. You're really fucking up, especially with Meg. Personally, I sorta have a bone to pick with the both of you, but it still hurts seeing Meg so upset about this. Please talk to her. Meg may be... hard to deal with at times, but she's your best friend. Don't think not being friends with her will make your life any easier. You should say sorry. Oh but wait... you don't do that...

Josh

Why do you like her so much?

Realized something

I was going through old pictures on my Tumblr and I found one I'd reblogged of a cute couple cuddling under a plaid sheet on top of lion king pillows, and I instantly got insanely jealous and looked all over Ebay and Amazon for vintage lion king pillow cases and plaid sheets for sale, but then I realized that that was their memory, I was just someone watching it in a picture on my blog, and I realized I was insanely late anyway, and that this moment happened ages ago, and even with the lion king pillows and the plaid covers, I couldn't imitate exactly how the couple felt. I couldn't look exactly like them. See the way they see. So I gave up that search, and started looking for new bedding elsewhere. Something floral. Princess pillows. Disney. For my own memory.

Nova

I had a dream that I ate you out, and you tasted like mangoes.

I didn't not enjoy it.

I'm confused.

Blocks

All the blocks seem to be falling together one by one. Michael and my Mom announced that they're getting married over the summer! I'm so ecstatic, I'm already thinking about how to plan the party (it's going to be a yard party) and what to wear (evil laugh). I can't believe my mom's going to be married again and I'm going to have a stepdad. I'm a bit in shock, honestly. That means I get to see Mason in a tux too (evil laugh again). I have a small crush on him, but it'll go away with time. Especially since in five months or so we'll be related (anxious laugh). I'm so excited, ahhh!!!! Also, today Vanessa, Mason, Amanda, my Mom, Michael and I went out to eat for Italian food in old town Saint Charles. It's really nice over there! And the food was delectable! It took a lot of work not to... display affection... for Mason. He's really attractive ><" He grinned at me when we pulled up to them in our car, and we pulled away to find a parking spot, and ugh I smiled back but ugh I swear to God he fucking glowed. I hope I get over this crush thing, and fast. I can't let a silly crush fuck up this thing with mom and Michael ><"

Trying to find my spark

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so depressed sometimes. I feel alone even when I'm with my friends, and I feel like I can't tell them because they wont know what to do or they'll feel bad or feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel so inadequate sometimes. I feel like my depression is trying to take over, and it's scaring me. I'm so anxious and scared all of the time, so much that I can't even enjoy every day things I used to enjoy without thinking too much about it. I especially feel like I'm growing farther and farther away from Josh. I feel like I'm watching myself disappear from everyone's life in a way. I feel like I'm not here even when I am. Am I going crazy? Maybe it's just me.

Decisions

I've decided that college is definitely more about growing up than it is about the work. The homework isn't the hard part. Dealing with people is the hard part. Learning about how you deal with situations alone is the hard part. I've learned more about human nature at college than I have about my major, and that's saying something. I'm glad I'm learning more about people, but it hurts sometimes. It hurts I'm learning it now, and sometimes it hurts to learn it at all. I want to be someone's number 1. Someone besides my mom and dad, you know? I want to be a guy or girl's number 1, and I want to be held and kissed and loved. I think I'm finally admitting what I've known for a while: I actually don't like being alone sometimes. I pretend to love being alone all the time when in reality, every once in a while I like being alone, but I need love just like everyone else does. I really want to be held. I want to feel it.