Weird dream

I seriously cannot get the dream I had out of my head. So I was at dad's house, except it wasn't dad's house, it was an entirely different house and an entire different neighborhood. He wasn't mean, he was sinister. I walked in on him tearing Ethan's arm off with this machine and then I fled to a house like five houses down and three over before banging on the door and storming in (luckily she saw the alarm on my face and let me in). After telling her what happened she said I could stay with her. The rest of the night I heard dad's car racing up and down the streets, probably looking for me. The next day we Called the police over and over but we were always on hold. That was the worst part. The fact that the police, even, had us on hold. Eventually we set out to the police station but when we told them what happened they didn't listen and wouldn't really care. Eventually we went to the mall, I don't even know why, but we ran into my mom there (dad and mom were still separated but I think they lived even farther apart than before), and told her what happened, and then I stayed with my mom and the neighbor girl left. Unfortunately, we ran into dad at the mall, and Ethan, with only one arm. His long sleeve on the other side was limp. He didn't look happy. I felt like crying then, even though I was asleep. It was weird. We ran from him again but he didn't chase us, and we went to macys. There was a security guard there and we tried telling her that my dad was crazy and trying to kill me but she didn't listen either. When we left macys he was still there and this time tried to take me but I ran away and this time he did chase me. Eventually he stopped and I stopped some paces down, starting to tell him off. Weird. I said something about how he had cut Ethan's arm off and how he attacked mom, even though how did that part get in the dream? It was so weird, I'm telling you. Eventually he tried tossing at me but I ran again, this time to the parking lot, and mom was behind me I think, she was, but she wasn't, because when I got to ther parking lot I wasn't in my moms car I was sin the neighbors car, with her, again. I didn't want to be, though. I wanted my mom, but she drove off, and I don't think I saw my mom again in the dream. I think maybe that's why I was crying so hard. I cried in the dream. A lot. Ugh. I just wish I could get it out of my head.

Christmas

Alright so it's four days after Christmas. Feels more like two, bit anyway, it was amazing! I got a pink & white 3DS xl, Animal crossing New Leaf, money from grandma, shit tons of clothes ( THAT I CAN'T WAIT TO WEAR ), a bracelet, a little new jewelry, and AN IPAD AIR! :D the ipad was an entire surprise, another reason why I liked it so much. I just bought a case for it today :)

Dear Mom,

Sometimes it's you. I understand when it's stupid things like a new skirt or miscellaneous bullshit that I don't really need, but you're even mad about paying for lunch money or the act or sat or college applications and that's what pisses me off. That shouldn't make you mad. If something i need for my education costs a little extra please just don't be upset over it. My biggest wish is for my family to be financially fucking care free. I could write i fucking check for college and if i wanted that coach bag four years ago i would have fucking gotten it. I'm sorry these things cost money. They shouldn't clst anything. Those fuckers complain about adults being stupid and working at fast food restaurants but the same cunts are raising their tuitions to seventy four a fucking year it makes me so fucking pissed. If i ever get famous and rich i swear I'll make it up to you but all I'm saying is that sometimes... Most times, i get mad whenever you're mad. Your happiness and well being fuels me more than anything else on earth. I wish you knew that.

For the Cute One In My Head,

I'd very much like it if we were in art class and in the midst of painting a portrait of Princess Diana Of Wales you'd look over at me thoughtfully, and I'd look back as if to say 'what is it?' Just as tornado sirens would suddenly blare loudly from outside. There's a tornado in the field, clear as day, and everyone freaks out and forgets the rules, flees the room. We're the last two in the room and the tornado is so close now that a selfish classmate locks us in the room, just as the several glass windows break, and we go to the art closet, dull and dark, and lock ourselves in because there's nowhere else to go. And in the closet we'd be so scared shitless that we'd confess everything, greatest fears, regrets, desires, etc. and as time went on we'd forget about the tornado, and we'd be so happy that we'd start to float above our dead bodies in the rubble of the school, back to heaven, and we'd both be angels, and we'd be best friends, and nothing would ever bring us down again. No tornadoes, no regrets, no hate.

I just don't think you care as much as you say you do. It's impossible. When every time I try to get you up for something you give me a shit-load of attitude, and whenever I tell you to do something you should have already done anyway you act like it's the hardest thing in the world, most times you talk to me like you hate me and even when you do come in my room occasionally you always leave mad at me about something. Fuck you. I think you're full of shit. I think you're still trying to make mom think that I'm the bad person in nearly every situation, just like you have since you were five years old or some shit. it was always "Alyssa doesn't love me" or "Alyssa loves her friends more." IT'S HARD TO LOVE SOMEBODY WHO ACTS LIKE YOU DO. I love you, you bag of shit, I just don't like you. I don't like your character. You lie a lot, and you're a slob, and you don't take advice when others try to help you. Forgive me for not wanting to be around somebody who constantly tried to make my own mother think I'm a bitch behind my back. I hate that shit. If you have something to say about me say it to my face. 

No Counseling? I don't like it.

I didn't have counseling this week. It's weird, I didn't realize it was working as much as it was, because it feels like something's missing. Everything's harder without my counselor explaining it. Family, school, college, idk. I'm eager for my next visit, actually. I hope I can still be in counseling when I go to college...

Ethan :(

If my brother were going to stay in his room all day playing video games, laying in bed, googling random things on the computer and talking on the phone he might as well have just stayed at college. I  don't know what to do. I really miss the old Ethan that used to come into people's room randomly and do silly things or idk something? He's hardly regarded our existence since he came home for the holiday. He's being really cold. I don't know what to do. Ethan and I are the two that get along all the time. I can't handle being indifferent to both siblings, or the sibling I need most being indifferent to me.

She makes a living by
delivering killer kisses
to men who need it
And using her voluptuous curves
on women who seek it.
She's a siren without the call
You either know where she's at
or get nothing at all.
She stays on the move
in the shadows of the city
She has a face to be under stage lights
But her label doesn't fit it.
Oh, there's something she told me
that she hasn't told anyone else
and she kissed my mouth shut
to be sure I'd never tell,
but I could write a secret
that she keeps her heart
Locked in a diary
And it only beats when she writes
Is that why
I am writing tonight?

URL Change

changing my url because I use this url for everything and I don't want anybody from school or any family to ever find my online venting place. 

The Boyfriend

And not mine, my mom's. He's perfect! He's everything I always wanted my dad to be... * sigh * The only thing that sorta bursts my bubble is that he's going to be staying here the rest of thanksgiving break, and I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, it's just a man hasn't lived with us since, well, my dad. And my dad is my dad, but Andre is, well, someone I don't know that well, for starters. I know he wouldn't do anything weird, and he's 'not a prude', so mom says, (and I believe her, but still) I don't really like wearing underwear at night, and I hate wearing pants during the day, and I don't wear a bra unless I have to, and idk. I want to be comfortable without... without thinking about it., you know? He'll be here in a couple hours or so, he actually lives on Kansas City, he drives 4 hours just to see us even though he has to work bright and early Monday, it's really amazing, actually. And he brings flowers for mom every time, and last time he even got Vanessa and I flowers! He's so brilliant. I hope him and mom get to be everything she wants them to be and more.

 Ps: that's Nova and I in Senior Literature class.

Dear Mom

You can't handle me telling you how I feel. I can't always explain this shit. I don't always want to. You need to learn to sometimes accept that I'm going to be pissy for no fucking reason and there's not shit anybody can do about it. Maybe that makes me a bitch. Maybe that makes me ungrateful. At least I don't act one way to my kids and another to my boyfriend. I wish you'd understand how I feel. I wish I could understand how you act sometimes too, because you're literally a walking puzzle sometimes. Don't get mad at me for trying to calm down in ways you may not like during church, because I didn't have to. I could have did something way worse. I wanted to. but I didn't. Because I'm not a bitch, unlike your opinion of me. Thanks.

Nova... Really?

I'm tired of a lot of things right now and most of it, unfortunately, happens to be the people I'm around. If there's anyone I want to talk to about how they've been acting, it's Nova. I mean, nearly every day since middle school she's never had lunch money and gets food by mooching off of other people or being pissy about everything and to everyone until somebody buys her something just to shut her up. I don't know what to do. Like today, she hardly even talked to anyone and sat down looking pissed the whole lunch period, making it awkward, as it usually is due to something about her, whether it's her boyfriend, or her family, or acting class, or someone pissed her off, or her parents pissed her off. Anything. Something is always wrong with Nova. I stayed a little longer at lunch to get chicken nuggets and she got pissed off at me because she didn't eat. "I seriously hate you right now, like, I'm raging at you right now." Which is Nova's language for 'Hey can I have some?'. She uses reverse psychology for everything, I fucking swear. It doesn't work on me, though. I've known her since middle school, what does she expect? I mean, fucks sake, she still owes me 6 dollars from shopping in July and 8 dollars from all those times I bought her lunch in middle school, she has no right getting pissed off at me over that. And the only reason I stayed after during lunch was to get chicken nuggets because during my lunch they ran out, and when I went to the table and said "Damn it, I really wanted those, I always have those on mondays" she responded with a pissy "well at least you have food! I don't have food!" It's like this all the time. She practically makes people feel bad for even eating in front of her, like what the actual fuck. Most days there's something going wrong in my life too, sometimes I don't have lunch money, but I don't sit around and look depressed and/ or throw tantrums about it. I wish she'd grow up, because I don't think she realizes how nearly everyone at the table is seriously sick of all the shit that she dumps on us every single day. 

Ps: If there's anything else that pisses me off about this, it's that literally every day Carrie is the reason Nova doesn't go hungry, and I wish Carrie could see how much Nova uses her, it's sad. I don't even think Nova even cares for her anymore. If she didn't pay for her lunch all the damn time, I don't even think Nova would want her around.

Staying home sick

So I stayed home sick today. It's not the best. Nobody's home and I'm bored out of my mind. Idk. I should embrace it.

River

I'd scroll through the messages to tell you exactly when, but it would hurt too much. My friend, his real name is Mutt but I called him River most of the time, passed away earlier today. Yesterday he was hit by a car. Drunk Driver, it was a hit and run. I can hardly believe it. And what's worse is that he lives in Oklahoma, and I've never met him. Only saw him once, never heard his voice. I guess two weeks ago I met him on Omegle, and I really liked him, so I added him on Kik so we could talk. I may have only known him two weeks but the's a great friend, a great guy. He worked all the time to help his brothers pay for the rent, and towards the last three days I haven't even talked to him that much, actually. I got so caught up in schoolwork... which makes me feel even more like shit. I hope he understands. I guess it's good to know he's out of pain now, especially because he had AIDS, and living with that must be tough, knowing you could die so easily, with a simple cold. I wanted to tell somebody, even though I'm sure nobody will read this. I wish I could have met him before it was too late, but I was pouring tea earlier and... I don't know, I felt like he was there. Just an outline. Hardly.

And my eyes,

do they look hollow?

After all this, I'd hope they look

a little darker.

It's hard to live with

headache after headache

after worry after worry.

It's not easy to stop worrying,

and if I did, I'd lose focus,

and fail again, so what will that do?

I can't simply turn off the switch.

If it were that easy

I'd turn on the 'skinny' switch

I'd turn on the 'good at math' switch

I'd turn on the fucking 'make me impeccable at everything' switch.

Not Liking Myself

Lately I haven't really liked myself. Do I ever like myself anymore? I feel like I do everything wrong, no matter how hard I try. I can't score well on the ACT, I'm going to be a senior in a sophomore math class next semester. My whole High School experience has been so fucked up, I hate even talking about it. I wish I could wake up a mathematician, like, the best in the world. Then I'd be awesome at math and people would have to ask me for help. And then I could get a perfect on the ACT's math score and that would probably boost my overall score to a 21 or higher. I just.. I'm so terrible at academic things and I hate it. I hate being like this.

The ACT

The past month I've been so stressed out and anxious and worried all the time. All day and all night. I can't stop thinking about the ACT. I need a 20 just to get into the college I want to go to, and a 21 to get the bigger version of the A+ scholarship they offer there. It's taking me too long to type this because my hands are shaky and I feel like I may throw up or have a panic attack of something. Idk. I can't even catch my breath. Everytime I try to work on anything I nearly break into tears. Every little thing that goes wrong breaks me. Maybe I just need to cry or something. I don't know what to do.

My anger is literally discombobulating me. I'm losing grip on things and dropping things that are in my hands.  I'm shaking. I don't understand m how my sister's brain works. Everything she does is backwards, from showering to homework. I. Don't. Fucking. Get it. She could start her homework at 1:00 pm and it still wouldn't be done until 7:00, and it's one assignment. A fuckin butterfly fifteen miles away could distract her. She procrastinates so much she could probably procrastinate death. I can hardly type because I literally want to punch my fucking wall. I don't know what to do. It's not even just her, I have so much pent up and it's driving me insane. I just want to feel better.

Sorta pissed today. I have to do this assignment for Video Production that consists of me making a song on garageband for a project (or two, considering I have to make one for myself too), and I feel like they're expecting it to be sorta great because the last two were, and it 's bugging me because the last two were done on a whim, I just pieced some things together really quick and it turned out to be a hit, I wasn't expecting that, but now I feel like I may end up the music girl for video production and that's what I was running away from! Haha, It's almost ironic, but I wont explain all that shit it'll take too long. I just wish we could use some royalty free music off the internet and call it a day, ugh. I hate it when people expect so much of me.

Fixed Camera!

This week was really long. The other day I sorta had a moment, venting to my mom about all the things that have been happening lately. Just drama with friends, is all. Friday I brought my Argus C-44 to school to see if Mr Cam or Mr Clay could fix it, Mr Cam couldn't get the gears, but somehow, Mr Clay got it in like, five minutes, which was great! So now my old film camera works! Yay! I don't know what kind of film it needs though, hmm. And I still don't really know how to use it, eh. Actually, Friday was an okay day. Also, I finished American Horror Story season 1 this week, meaning I started it Monday and finished it Friday. It was excellent! Tate is really adorable... also really psychotic, haha.

Homecoming

It was really fun, actually. Yes, I did end up going by myself, but it was okay. I ran into Nolee and Erin and some of their friends, which was cool. I also saw Promise for the first time since like, last year, which was cool. We talked and ended up exchanging numbers, which was cool. I danced. A LOT. Haha, it was awesome, I even did the chaha slide, which I usually never do. Libby taught Erin and I how to do this one dance, I forgot the name of it. (It was really difficult and thinking about it now I forgot how it even goes). Hayden kinda stuck with me about half of the time from the very beginning, which for a while was cool, but eventually became kinda awkward, especially after he asked me to dance, then sorta rambled about how upset he was that I wouldn't, haha. I felt bad, but I seriously don't dance with guys. It's awkward. My mom even asked why I didn't, and I really don't know what else to say except that it's awkward, and dancing isn't as innocent as it was in the 70's and 80's, haha. Besides I don't know what kind of dancing he meant. (Not to mention about 45 minutes later this other girl was literally dancing on him, so hey, I guess he got to anyway, ahaha) But yeah. That's not me. I danced with Erin though! And Nolee, who taught me (tried to teach me) how to 'dance low' (?). I don't think I got the gist of it though. I saw Jake, Gurio, Cree (Who I'm still not sure about), Hayden (Of course...), Nolee, Erin, Promise, some people from band, Giselle (Who's dress looked so much like mine it was awesome we were twinning lol), Crest (This girl was dancing on him like CRAZY. I was like damn), and a bunch of others. Homecoming was really fun and totally worth all the trouble, and I'm really glad I went :)


                                                      Erin☝    Me☝   Nolee☝

If we were colors

you'd be red

and I'd be green

(Don't be mean)

WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO SUCK THIS MUCH TODAY? FUCK EVERYTHING!

My love said he was angry
the last time I saw him here.
He yelled at me and called me names
then hit me with a chair
But still, when he was done,
he claimed he'd always be there.
He claimed he'd never leave.
As I was laying there.

My love said that he loved me
the first time he saw me there
While the wind blew about my hair
And he said he'd always love me
And he said he'd always care.
T'was no harm to be done there
There was no harm anywhere.

My love told me about her
And told me I shouldn't cry.
He said there was a reason why.
So I tried not to cry,
but I didn't try hard enough,
because he looked me in the eyes
Slapped me clean across my face
But still, him, I could not despise.

My love told me that he loved me
as he left the room with her
in the sheets that we once shared
The stench of lust stuck in the air.
So I finally got up and did what I truly couldn't bear
to hear of a wife do to her husband
never in a million years.

I told my love I loved him
as I backed him to a corner
With a hot knife in my hand
Weight of one hundred boulders
And when I finished one machine
I went along to his mechanic
Who he claimed was not to stay
And, over her, he commanded me not to panic.

I told my love I loved him as I put his things away.
I told my love I loved him as I hid his whore away.
I told my love I loved him as I said "See you one day."
But that day was not today,
But that day was not today.

Lately I've been really off about people talking to me. asking me about band. I feel like I told people why I left a billion times, I've even told the same people over and over that I wasn't and still I'm asked: Hey Kit, why'd you leave band?

And yeah, Kit the percussionist misses the thrills of ice cold nights in the middle of nowhere after playing at competitions, but Kitten the artist wishes it would simply disappear, the memories, all of it. I love it when they say they miss me, the flattery is enough for days but part of me feels it's wrong for me even enjoying it and that maybe I should do the safe thing and just go back, but I know I'd be punching myself in the face next year right about now for wasting a credit hour, and I don't even necessarily want to go back. But it would have been nice to be Kit, first chair percussionist. Kit, the section leader.

But now I get to be Kit, the girl that designed the front cover of the homecoming ticket for 2013, and that's a start to something new, right?

I'm not good with first dates

we could listen to mixtapes

try to ignore the news radio

some woman got raped

and what can I say?

There's nothing else to do today

may as well shoot myself

but gee I wonder "which gate?"

I can't explain

but all I do is complain

about how much I really hate

how my life turned out

But I never do anything about it

I would rather go cloud it

but I'm short on my money

so then I guess I'll just pout.

Not the best poet

sad thing is the whole world knows it

and I don't have much to prove them wrong

"wanna listen to my new song?"

I can't really escape

this feeling blows

but I guess I'll have to wait

until the next show.

From the day you're born you're practically preparing for the day you die, and that really pisses me off. From day one I was worried about elementary school, then worried about middle school, then worried about high school, now I'm stuck worrying about a damn ACT I can't take until April and the fact that I have to raise it too points really makes me want to shove my hand through a wall and I don't know how to really cope with everything right now, I don't know what to do and I don't know what I'm doing. I wish there were a way to escape this feeling. I really want to just be and not have to worry about shit every second of my life.

I can't believe my mom doesn't remember me telling her I was suicidal back in middle school though. I don't get it. It was late, but she was listening, she looked at me and was really quiet, I remember this like it was yesterday. Did I dream it or something? I don't know. I feel like shit. How could she not remember? I  had to explain to her how the night went and she still didn't remember. How could you forget I told you I was suicidal? I wanted to kill myself. I'd thought of hanging myself with sheets from the closet at my dad's house. I'd thought of jumping off the mississippi bridge. I'd thought of so many ways and I wrote it down and fucking threw it away after I showed my step sister. Does she remember? does anyone remember? was I that invisible? Really? I don't get it. What the fuck, how could you not remember? HOW COULD YOU NOT REMEMBER?

Today I went in my first college tour to Lindenwood (except the time I went with Ethan when he was checking the place out). It was awesome! The dorms seem pretty cool, and there's a library with a coffee shop (it looks like it's right out of Harry Potter, haha). I really want to go there but it's a little expensive. I'll probably have to go to community college first, and raise my ACT score by two points... I don't know how I'll do that. I mean I took it once and got a 18 and I thought oh well, I'm only a sophomore, next time I'll proabably get a 20. The next time I got a 19. I just don't think I can do it. I really don't. On the brightside, the tour guide was adorable! His eyes were super green with a bit of a blue undertone. They were a little like a deer's eyes, attentive, soft. His hair was golden & curly. Nice smile. We all nearly ran into a thick spiderweb, and his reaction was so cute! He spun around super quick when my mom screamed due to a junebug, wide eyed and whatnot. He thought he did something wrong, haha. And I freaked out because he freaked out, haha. It was really awesome, he was really awesome. (:

Afterwards, we went to Eckert's, which was fun. Vanessa and I rode rides and went on this bounce thingy. We picked apples. I got two green ones for my friend who rides the same bus as me, Slater. He's pretty cool. Mom said that when Vanessa and I were on the bouncy thingy we looked really happy and it reminded her of the old times (the happy parts, that is). It made me happy to know that it made her happy. I also found out that Vanessa's seeing a counselor too, which in all honesty, really pissed me off. When I was in seventh grade I was suicidal. I wrote suicide letters in my diary, plotted ways to do it. Pictured it so many times it drove me crazy, but there was one thing that held me back, and that was the pit of guilt my mom would be trapped in the rest of my life if I did it. If I were one of those sad statistic kids I'd have been the ghost of a memory by now. I even told my mom I was suicidal in middle school, but she doesn't remember. When I told her that she was confused, unable to remember it at all. That made me feel special. I guess I'm just upset because even after I told my mom I was suicidal I didn't have counseling, and Vanessa has issues but I doubt they're as bad as the ones I was going through. I just wish everything wasn't so damn easy for her.

Dates

I dated a Doctor
that collected scalpels
He cut my heart out
And sold it to a chapel
I dated a priest
but it was a secret
(he pledged to the lord
that he would truly keep it)
I dated a swimmer
that lived for the sea
he loved water so much
Is that why I'm still crying?
I dated a writer
who wrote in a journal
I found out his topics
(Made me want to hurl)
I dated a tech geek
that loved the new gadgets
He drove me so crazy
I was searching for hatchets
I dated a singer
who wrote me these songs.
They made my brain melt
and my heart sing along
I think he's the best thing
that's happened to me
But by my past experience
he'll probably leave me.

So long
to the lemonade sun
the E. Taylor eyes sky
The watermelon green grass
waves in the wind wondering why
And did you notice
that the thick air
doesn't match the thin hairs
left in the brush of the dead girl?
And did you think twice
did you realize that
the bright sun doesn't match
the violet velvet sky
wannabe rockstar tights
the bright lights won't turn on.
Do you think those tender thoughts
danced like ludacris imps
as the red of her mothers dress
left her hands and her chest?
Do you think she thought of the dress
or the fact she'll never wear it?
The lemonade sun laughs and jokes about
the velvet violet sky and how
it'll never be as pretty but
Who the fuck likes lemonade?

Today was a long day. I hate September 11th because everybody talks about the 9/11 attacks, and it's really depressing. One of the memorial videos I watched in Psychology made me want to vomit. It sucked. It's good they're still going over it every year, it deserves that. The victims, alive and dead, deserve that, but some of the videos they show... I think some of them are definitely too graphic. I actually saw dead bodies, people jumping... s i g h .

On the brightside, today my art was chosen for the cover of the homecoming tickets at our school, so I won a free ticket, yay! :) I felt really good about it because I think me and maybe Leia (who wasn't there for the choosing, bummer) were the only two who haven't been in the class today, and as a noob I got my art chosen, which makes me feel, well, proud. :) It's not often I'm actually this happy to be me, so, I'm trying to live it, for a while. I'm still in shock, lol. I keep expecting him to change his mind out of the blue.

PS: I'm watching Dawson's Creek now. It's so awesome, Dawson is adorable! It's cool seeing Kate Holmes as a teen in the show.

So much is stressing me out I can't even fucking breathe. I try this thing when I try to exhale and picture all the stressful things like, leaving my body when I exhale, but it's not working anymore. I'm really just upset because I feel like my dad doesn't care about me, and my best friend is more willing to take time to contact her ex boyfriend who she's supposedly 'done with', but she can't even get on facebook to talk to me. How much does she care about me? I feel like I love everybody in my life more than they could ever love me, and it's tearing me up. I'm turning inside out.

Dad

Why do you keep forgetting to pick me up? I get the feeling you don't care. And I get that feeling a lot. More than a daughter should. I'm tired after school and I still do my homework. Are you so tired you can't pick up your own kids?

Fairies

Darling,
If I had forever
that's how long I'd wait
And while I'd wait
I'd collect flowers
from all the 50 states
So that when I'd finally meet you
I'd have enough for crowns
And we would become fairies
so that never again 
would we touch the ground.

Noticing me

More people are noticing me this year. More people notice when I look upset. they talk to me and ask what's wrong. It's weird. I'm not used to people, even people I hardly know, caring about me. Is it because I'm a senior?

Made an acquaintance today, his name is Derek and we both love the Strokes! Hurray! Most people at North haven't heard of them. Hmm. He's cool. His project looks really cool in AP Art, he's doing this music note abstract art with oil pastels. It's neato! Mine is of a girl who struggles with keeping herself sane while trying to also help others. It's based off of me. I wonder if anybody will ever figure it out.

I feel like I burden my mom more than I should. She tries her best to hide it but sometimes I know she's upset, and most times I know it's me. I ask her for the world every day. I ask her to braid my hair at night and take me everywhere all the damn time. I'm dependent on everybody except myself, and it infuriates me. I wish I could be on my own more. I wish I could give my mom a break. Whenever I wake up and she has that familiar 'something's wrong' pursed lips look, it makes me feel like it was me, even if it wasn't. I'd tell her this, but she's probably insist it isn't me and push past it. I wish I had a counselor already. That's another thing I keep bugging her about that dampers the mood, but it's not my fault she keeps forgetting...

*yells furiously*

My mom pissed off because she's been out all weekend and spending a lot of money for my birthday, and it pisses me off because with the city museum yesterday that wasn't even my idea! She said she'd take us to go get our nails done, us being ALL THE GIRLS. I said no, that's too expensive and as an alternative I suggested the city museum b/c it's only 12 per person, we didn't have to go anywhere!!!! UGH! I shouldn't have went anywhere, I should have known this was going to happen and she'd pin it on me. Fuck.

Birthday Weekend

So, August 31st was my birthday. I had a sleepover from that saturday to sunday, which was really fun, I loved it! Zuri, Ellie, Nova & Indie were there, we watched a bunch of old movies like The Road To El Dorado, Barbie in The Nutcracker and Our Lips Are Sealed (With the olsen twins). We also made a blanket fort and slept under it, which totally made my night. And the next day we went to the City Museum, which was also! (Except for when somebody nearly stole Indie's phone, which really pissed everybody off).  And today we had Monday off because of labor day, so we went to the Japanese festival at the botanical gardens :3 It was a lot of fun, I just got back, actually. It's september now, it's getting so close to autumn, I can hardly wait, ah! ♡♡♡

I reactivated my social accounts. I have to be careful though. Especially with facebook. It was definitely taking over my life and quickly becoming the source of some of my bad days. I may leave again after my birthday.

ps: I finished Skins today. I have no idea what to do after school now.

I'm positive I'm talking to myself on these posts, but you know how you meet somebody and you become good friends for a couple days, and soon enough they stop lighting up when they see you, and they don't seem interested when they text you, and they drop conversations out of nowhere? Maybe it's just me. I'm so uninteresting and awkward. I hate making new friends because most of them don't last. They're just more lessons to keep me in my shell.

Skins Season 6 'Rich'

If you've watched the show, and you know who The Strokes are, then please tell me you've realized how much Rich looks like Julian!!! It's killing me! (In a good way).

I felt so bad for him this episode because... spoiler alert 

Grace was hurt in a car crash, and her dad wont let Rich even see her in the hospital! :( It sucks.

But yeah, it's driving me up a wayy how much they look alike, hot damn ♡♡♡♡♡♡

ps: I may post more to blogger considering I deleted my facebook and left twitter (didn't deactivate, but left both accounts). Both apps are off my phone, the sites are off my bookmark bar and (since I have google chrome) they aren't in my 'apps' on my chrome home screen either. I'm making a conscious effort to clear my head, and try to help myself. So yeah.

Rich (Skins) /// Julian (The Strokes)

Stress

I've been really stressed out. My psychology class and Video Production class is nothing how I thought it would be. I mean, I like pearling psychology, but I was really hoping the teacher would be more... interesting? I mean the teacher, she's so... dull. I can hardly learn because I end up nodding off, closing my eyes for a few, and waking up five minutes later and she's five powerpoint slides from where I was. Speaking of Powerpoint, she takes the notes way too fast. Ugh. I hardly have time to write them down. She seems to act like she doesn't care. I wish she were more interesting, easier to listen to. For heavens sake, last week she lost her shoes! Her shoes. I just don't know if I'll be able to put up with it. The video production teacher is awesome, but we have to do so much in so little time, and that really stresses me out. I had to ask my brother for his cap & gown, like, seriously? I didn't know we'd need extra props, and end up leaving school and going to people's houses during the day recording in extreme weather sometimes. I... I don't know if I'll be able to handle that. Not to mention the cameras we're using are $2000. I fuck up so much shit in one day, I don't even like touching those cameras. I'm so nervous about it, and school is stressing me out. I wish I had something to take my mind off of it. I wish I didn't worry so much. Idk. Yesterday I was so overwhelmed I nearly broke down as soon as I got in the fucking house. Ugh. What do I do?

You can actually be really mean. You flat out treat some people like shit and don't even think twice about it. Everything has to go your way or no way, and whenever things don't go your way and something happens you don't like you go and throw a fuckin' tantrum about it. GROW THE FUCK UP! Everything's not going to go your way! Nothing has to go your way. What if I threw a tantrum when the girl from the pool cursed me out because she thought I was taking a picture of her? What if I threw a tantrum when Miss Eleby gave me my first F (ever). What if I walked around in circles screaming at lunch because of some tiny little thing that went wrong in first hour? Sometimes you act like such a kid! You're too stubborn to let anybody tell you anything, and I swear you could probably hold a fucking grudge for 80 years if you wanted to! You're killing me. 

Everyone's telling me I'm growing up. They're saying I need to look for scholarships and they're saying I need a job. I need money for college and I need college for a job and I need a car to get to my job and I need money for college. It's a mad cycle. I don't know what to do or think. All of a sudden I feel like a horse in a team, and I'm the only one who doesn't know where the hell the stable is.

Violet

I'm extremely ecstatic right now, because my friend Violet just got her Facebook back! I haven't talked to her in ages, so it seems. (Three months, but that's a while, a whole summer!) I wish I could invite her to my slumber party but she's fifty two minutes away in Pevely and I just don't know if that will work out. I want her to come to bad though ugh I'd even let her sleep in my bed if there wasn't enough room downstairs. I'd do anything to see her again :( Words can't express how much I really missed her...

By the way

Most of the time you are making me want to kill myself
and all the other sometimes you're busy picking on someone else
You claim to have a good will inside of your heart, so hard to find
I'm wondering if it's even there or maybe I am blind
But no because if you were kind I guess I'd feel it too
besides my mind only finds time to please the likes of you
You have me trying to figure you out, I'm looking like a fool
I hope find peace of mind by having your own personal tool.

ugh

I just want to meet someone who likes the same bands as me so we can talk for forever about how outrageous concert ticket prices are and then exchange numbers and talk all night then go to school the next day excited to see him and he's happy to see me too and we love the same video games and youtube comedians and we skype while watching livelavalive and cyr and onision and whatnot and eventually we can hang out and have chinese food  while talking about silly things like family arguments and we'll talk until 3 am when all our deepest secrets escape us and we know there's no turning back, and eventually I don't know maybe something bigger will happen, but I just need someone I can talk to like that. Ugh.

Without a Hand...

Wanna go left?
Wanna go right?
Wanna hold my hand?
Wanna stay the night?
Wanna braid my hair?
Do you wanna fight?
Will you promise me
that we'll be alright?

Let me know
Let me know
because it gets kinda cold
When I'm out all alone
and without a hand to hold...

Cotton candy pink
Lip glossed shrink.
"Why'd you feel this way"
Oh I wish I really knew, babe.
Wish that you were here
because it's hard to steer
away from the leering looks
across the room
bloody knife submerged in gloom.
Heart shattered on the floor
here's my soul if you want more.

Let me know
let me know
because it gets kinda cold
When I'm out all alone
and without a hand to hold...

Oh, and when the depression sets in
I need you underneath my skin.
You are my bulletproof vest
We're in your car, let's do the rest....

Let me know
let me know
because it gets kinda cold
When I'm out all alone
and without a hand to hold...
Let me know...
Let me know...
Let me know...

Contractions

Oh, I see.

"You'll never forget me?"

So when you kissed her on the lips

Were you thinking of me?

When you slept with her like this

Were you screaming for me?

Were you thinking of me?

Were you thinking of me?

I'm not fucking obsessive

But I just can't get my head in

around what you call attraction

or was it just satisfaction?

My heart was having contractions

I can't control the reaction

Shrinking down into fractions

Step on me

Step on me

I'm a welcome mat

Wipe your feet off

as you prepare to attack

don't text me back

cause she's on your phone looking through your apps

And when she asks "who is that"

The first thing that you can say

Is "Baby that's nobody special, don't even know her name",

But years ago I swear to God you wouldn't have said the same

Cause I remember when you transferred

And when you first came around

I was the one you chose to help you find new Bands;

new clothes,

No I'm sorry,

Please forgive me,

This is not how it goes.

I didn't mean..

it was a tangent..

No, I just need to close.

Because the thing is

every time I write

My thoughts turn to you.

And I don't know how to control it,

I don't know what to do.

Dad.

I'm going over my dad's again for the weekend. I don't necessarily like it over there. I have no computer, and nothing else to do really. My step sister is usually at competitions and she's the best thing about there (I love her a lot). My half sister is nothing less than annoying, but I love her nonetheless. My dad..........

My stepmom is cool! But I don't really care for it over there because my dad constantly harasses everybody, especially Teresa. Sometimes (This sounds awful) I'm glad she's there because if it weren't for her, he'd only harass us (my siblings and I) worse. That sounds awful, but it's true.

Well,

I wrote a poem about a girl I didn't even know today. Haha. In power walking I met someone named Erin who also blogs on tumblr, hurray! She reminded me so much of Hana (From a story I'm writing) that I had to say hello. She doesn't sound quite like her though, but she's nice. She's a sophomore. I asked her if she were a Freshman, and she thought  I was one! Haha! I guess some things never change. Forever short..

Current Events Class

Did I tell you about current events? The teacher, Mr Laney, really intimidated me at first but I think I'm getting used to it. He's just different from most of my teachers... honestly no disrespect to them but sorta on a higher level I think? He seems like he should be a college professor or something. He's seriously the smartest teacher... ever. Honestly haha, I hope he didn't notice but once he went on about economics and whatnot I almost couldn't believe someone could know so damn much about history in general, I think I was slack-jawed. He knew about all these cases and the exact dates, even the exact damn town, lol. It was crazy. I'm getting off the computer a little earlier today so I have time to wind down before bed. I need to teach this insomnia a lesson.

First day of school.

This was my last 'first day of high school'. It felt great for about five minutes on the bus. Then I entered the doors of the school and realized the hidden part of that sentence: But you still have 180 days to go through.

And that hurt

So it was overall, breezy. We did some first day get-to-know-each-other activities that required talking, which I loathed. I have lunch and fifth hour with Nova, which is gonna be pretty rad. I have lunch with Nova, Indie, and Carrie, which is cool, although in general I'm really just excited about Nova and Indie. I don't have any homework today, mom just has to sign some sheets and that's it. I'm still wondering why the sleeping pill I took last night hardly helped. I mean yeah, it made me impossibly drowsy to the point when I got up to use the bathroom at one in the morning, I could hardly feel my legs, but it didn't really knock me out. Maybe I should take four instead of two next time?

I'm not really excited about this year, I mean I am a little, but basically only for Literature. Turns out I bought that mp3 player for... well not nothing... but I can't listen to music in power walking, which sucks. That's 95% of the reason I got it in the first place. At least I have music for the morning and walking to/ from the annex.

Turns out they have the same lunch schedule. Chicken nuggets on monday, etc, etc. I was hoping they'd switch it up, do something different.

Apparently not.

Turns out Glen is in my psychology class. I was 99% sure I'd go the rest of my highschool career without seeing him again. Oh well.

I should probably make this blog private. Idk, it's just there's personal stuff on here, it's practically an online diary. Ehhhh. I wish there were a setting that said: School friends and I could just flick the switch.

The Party! :D

so I went to a party today for my friend Ren, who's leaving for college! It was super fun :) I'm not going to lie it's the most fun I've genuinely had in a long time. There were people there I didn't know, but we talked and got to know eachother and in the end it was really awesome. Everybody brought cd's, and I thought how'd they have enough money for all those cd's but then I realized they were cd's they borrowed from Ren that they were returning, but then I was like, how on earth did you have time to borrow all those cd's? Haha. His friends were really funny, and I played Mario Kart with a couple of them. Saturn (she's transgender, I'm really glad she found herself) taught me how to do 'The Cup Song', it's pretty fun but also difficult. A true mind teaser, haha. Also, Len's mom made these awesome inside out jalépeno (did I spell that right?) poppers that were sweet! But yeah, I'm glad I actually left the house for once. Even though he had a cat, and half the time I was like, derp, I can't breathe. Haha.

Ps: We watched funny youtube videos towards the end when everybody left and it was just him, Ellie, Saturn and this girl Stacy. It was great! We watched 'Don't hug me I'm scared', and this utterly hilarious harry potter spoof. 

Pss: I saw Ellie for the first time in forever there as well, I really missed her, like, holy cow, haha. 

Invited to a Party

I'm invited to a party tomorrow for my friend Len. I want to go, but I don't. I'm a bit socially awkward and usually grumpy, haha. And I don't know if I know many of his friends. Plus, I hope it's not a big party because big parties freak me out. I've never been a party person. I don't know. I mean if I can always ask Ethan (my brother) to get me or something if It's too much, but... eh.... ehh....

Weight

I'm back up to 110 pounds. I cried a little over it. I knew that the 105lbs - 109lbs of the summer wouldn't last forever, I always lose weight in the middle of the summer and gain it back by the end. I just hope I don't go back to 114. I really need counseling. I'm also really upset because they're taking fine arts away from my school district (elementary) next year, and my mom is a band teacher, which means she'll probably be laid off. I really don't want to have to live with my dad. I think that would kill me.

First Sleepover

So my first sleepover was either in second, third or forth grade I cannot recall which, but I was just thinking about her ( she's sort of a bitch nowadays), and I remembered one thing more than the event itself. Despite us dancing to the Cheetah Girls and me sleeping in another girl's room for a night, one emotion plagued me the whole time. Jealousy. You see, Brittany ( that was her name) was mixed. Pure mixed. Like one white mom and a black dad. And that wasn't even it. It was that even though they were different, they got along. And I was so leary of her dad. I felt he'd snap if I said something, because that's what my dad did, tired after work. When I did see her dad, he smiled, happier than my dad ever looked, and said hi, all bubbly and whatnot. It confused me. It made me mad. Sad. And I never told anybody. Until now. I felt like I should. Before I forget, or something.

Austin

So, I went back to Urban Outfitters today and yes he was working there. I got to talk to him again and asked out for coffee, but he's taken. Shmur. Oh well, I'm happy I actually went for it, otherwise I'd have never known. I did find out that his name is Austin though, hurray for double A's! At least I'm... acquainted with him now? Haha. Part of me thinks perhaps now that I've officially made things awkward he won't want to be.

Dear Dad,

The bottom line is that one day when you're old and dying you're going to ask all your seven kids to visit you in that stench filled nursing home, and while everybody else may not even care for their taste of revenge, they'll plainly say no. I, on the other hand, will try my best to remember all those times, and say

"We'll see."

Shopping!!

So yesterday I went shopping with Nova and Indie. Sorry I didn't blog about it yesterday, I ended up staying up until 3 on my computer for the first time... well honestly I don't think I've stayed up that late on my computer all summer yet.

But yeah I went shopping with them at the Galleria, it was a lot of fun. I just really wanted to tell you about the guy that was my cashier, because I don't know, I just really liked him a lot. He was really sweet, I did the 2 for $24 deal they have there for tee shirts, but one was online, so I had to go behind the desk next to him to you know, see which tee shirt it was I wanted (I knew for sure because I've wanted that shirt since april lol). And whenever I'm next to somebody I really like I can feel more, in a way, so he was leaning against the desk on his hands and I may or may not have totally felt the heat radiating off his arms. There's something comforting about that. I don't know. I eventually found the shirt, so I had to go back to the front of the desk, and I ordered it and everything. I had to make an account though (to order), so I had to put all my details (name address etc) into this gadget thingy. I hope he read some of it and knows my name, but I don't know. He did look at it when I gave it to him though, so maybe? All I know is I don't know his name at all, haha :(. 

I just wanted to tell you about him because he was especially kind and had a nice velvety voice, and if I could go back in time I would. Not like I'd have the guts to ask him out for starbucks or something, but I don't know. I don't know. (He even let me take a picture of him! :))) I asked first of course, haha)

Raw

My Mother and brother are beyond concerned with my sister's well being. They tell me not to be so hard on her, and they tell me that she cries at night. They say she's not doing well. They say she's fragile. I wish they'd realize that I already fucking know.

What gets to me is that they don't know I'm going through the same thing.
They don't know that I've stayed up till 4 crying nearly every single fucking night.
They don't know I don't vent to them because I don't feel like I have the right to complain. I feel pathetic and worthless. 

I feel like I don't matter. I feel like nobody cares about me. I'm constantly plagued with the thought that all my friends secretly hate me. I'm plagued with the thought that nobody's ever going to help me. I have severe anxiety and feel entirely uncomfortable talking to people, even people I know and are close to at times. I haven't been truly happy for years, it seems. I'm constantly daydreaming about how my life will turn out if I really do end up a failure. I constantly picture my friends leaving me, and so many already have. I constantly picture my family throwing harsh remarks at me. I constantly feel like there's not shit I can do about it.

And I keep that hidden because I feel I don't deserve to complain, and I feel like that because of my self esteem issues. Where's my fucking help? My recognition? The fucking guilt trips and the "oh please help, my daughter's depressed?" 

It fucking doesn't.

Senior Year

Today I registered for my senior year of highschool.
All the teachers kept asking me if I was excited.

"No."
"Not really."
"Nope."

I have a good idea of what's going to happen this year and That's nothing to be excited about. Today was a good day overall. I lost my A+ papers and I was really upset, but apparently I can just have Mrs Bird (The teacher I helped) resign on a different sheet. And I had no fines, even though I had a textbook with me that wasn't turned in, which was nice. I paid for my yearbook. Mom was really upset about the papers though, plus because at first I'd forgotten the text book.
She yelled a lot, like, I nearly hyperventilated. Ugh. That would have sucked.
I'm also trying to work out again because I'm most definitely gaining all that school year weight back. Ugh. I wish I could be 100lbs for all eternity.

Not enough

Every time I weigh myself I brace myself for the never ending feeling of not being small enough. At the end of the school year I was 114 lbs, and by the middle of summer I dropped 9 pounds to 105. I was ecstatic, and stopped paying attention to what I ate as much because I'd tell myself 'it's summer!', or, I lost 9 pounds, I deserve a treat. Now I'm 109 and I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. All I've ever wanted was to be skinny. It's my goal, I want a flat stomach like models and a thigh gap and all that sad shit people say I shouldn't worry about but I do because I can't fucking help it. I used to be skinny. I used to be underweight because as a kid I had an eating disorder and nearly everything I ate came right back up. I lived my childhood believing I would always be skinny and that isn't the case. While I still have a small frame I have this annoying stomach and I swear if I could just cut it off I would in a fucking heartbeat. Fucking Dave Franco could tell me I looked great and I'd still think I looked like shit because I hate what my image is now. I'm tired of passing mirrors and tearing up. Cringing. Sighing. I want to be skinny and perfect more than anything in the world. Anything. I just don't want to end up doing anything harmful to get there.

So like,

I was watching 'New Girl', and I got to episode 6 or whatevs with Jess' new boyfriend, (Who btw was the main character in Jeepers Creepers, I know that face from anywhere) and I think I'm obsessed! It's seriously so relatable, and I love Jess' awkwardness, she reminds me so much of myself... well... whenever I'm not trying to be somebody I'm not or fit in, haha. Also, I love the way she dresses, I wish I could live in her wardrobe, haha. ♡♡♡♡

Shopping!

So I went shopping today. It was really fun, although my feet payed the price. I got this striped Michael Kors Shirt from Macys on sale for $24, & two 'Kensie' sweaters from Macy's as well. They're really cute, I love them! I also went to H&M and got a violet sweater on sale for $5, and this rad hat that says 'HORROR'. I love it! I also got these 90's looking rubber spiral bracelets, and socks, heheh. But they're cute socks with sort of a cotton eyelet layout with scallop edges. It's cute. ☺

I'll see if I can get a video up. You'll know if I do.

Teavana

I was shopping earlier with my family,

despite our tired feet,

and on our way to the next store,

we stopped at Teavana for tea.

And I couldn't help but notice

this beautiful guy,

as he handed the samples

to my mother and I.

I wanted, so much,

to let him know,

remind him that he's beautiful,

but it seems

my dull feelings,

only get me

stuck in seams

Of dreams that don't belong to me,

and things I do not wish to see.

No.

No.
I will not wait for you.
I've waited and waited.
I've waited for him to love me
I've waited for graduation,
I've waited to be accepted
by myself and by my peers.
I've waited for his text,
I've waited for her call,
I've waited for the 'okay',
I've waited to only be let down
(for what, the five thousandth time?)
I will not wait for you
or for anything else
I will not.
I will not.
I will not.

Once Upon A Time

Once when I was younger
I remember,
I loved makeup,
and I put tons of makeup
all over my face
and when my little sister saw
she wanted some too,
so then both our faces were painted
with an amount far too much
of makeup.
And about 5 minutes later,
dinner was ready,
and mom called us down.
We walked downstairs like princesses,
waiting to show her our beautiful makeup,
but we ran into dad first,
who, instead, ridiculed us to the point of tears.
And then, because he wasn't amused enough, 
He got his camera, 
and forced us, sobbing and sniffling,
to go outside.
And outside,
he forced us to smile
through the tears
and nearly irremovable frowns,
and took over several pictures
of my sister and us.
Forcing us to pose
like the fuck ups
he thought we were.
And when he had enough photographs,
he forced us to go upstairs
and "wipe all that shit off your face."
So we did.
And after that,
I didn't think I was beautiful,
And I didn't play with mom's makeup
anymore.

You said when I was older
I would think back and laugh at that.

I'm not laughing.

Not So Sure

This is so weird. 
Yesterday you were all I wanted.
Now I'm not so sure.

I do not exist.

I do not exist.
You see me in the hallways
I smile at you and wave,
and when you go home that night
you may think of me
you may wonder what it's like to know me
(please don't)
But when I go home and finish my homework
and converse with my mother,
maybe even talk to my sister.
In the end, when I peel off my clothes
I am nothing
There is nothing there
I do not exist.

Sad Eyes

I once knew a boy with sad eyes.
I only talked to him once
before he left my world,
(I forgot what it was about),
but I think about him from time to time.
And I wonder if he made it.
I wonder if he's okay.

Perfect date:

I want to sneak downstairs with mom's car keys, slyly open the garage door and sneak out of the house with the minivan. I want to have daisies in my wavy hair, I want to wear a denim jumper and my silly mixed shoestring middle school converse. I want to drive to you, waiting at the park near my old house, and you'd smile when you saw the familiar red van heading towards the parking lot. You'd walk to me and sit on the wooden bench as I hurriedly got out of the car, and I'd be greeted with your warm embrace, a familiar scent, the laugh I'd only dreamed of hearing so close to me again. Oh my god, oh my god. 
You'd hold my hand, my sweaty, shaky hand, and I'd realize this was real, and that I was really doing this, and that I was living one of my fantasies. When we walked far out enough into the field you'd stop, and grin almost sultrily. I'd melt and try not to shudder. You'd tell me to look up, and explain your favorite constellations to me, eyes wide with wonder. Eventually I'd yawn, and you'd yawn, and we'd decide to just stargaze, buried in the tall grass and wild flowers. We'd hear cars and sirens and police cars, we'd hear our shaky breathing, and I'd doze off, staring at the stars and the night sky. 
When I woke up you'd be beside me, and after I'd turn to my left and see you laying there, sound asleep, I'd realize that waking up next to you is the best thing that could ever happen to me. I'd wait until you opened your eyes to ask about the wildflower veil you placed in my open palm as I slept, and you'd say you made it for me because I was your fairy. I'd wear the lovely thing as we walked back to my car, drowsy & cold, but before I'd get to my car door you'd gently grab my hand again, and pull me towards you. This time I'd be bid farewell with the warm lips of my magnificent crush, and it would be the kiss that would save me. 
I'd smile, and wind my arms around you again, and I's feel your arms pull me tightly towards you around my lower back. I'd want to hug you forever, my head on your chest, yours over my shoulder, but you knew the sun couldn't be held back forever. 
You'd depart me with three of your kisses, each a spell. 
1, my jaw, don't. 
2, my neck, forget. 
3, my collarbone, me. 
I'd want you and you knew it, and that was the spell's magic. You'd should into the night as you walked away: I will always love you, my darling, my sun, my moon. I will respond, staring at your back as you disappeared into the night: I will love you forever. 
But I'd whisper my part, and that was my spell. I will not explain.

The weekend

Dad and Teresa fought really bag this weekend. It was another one of their stupid arguments that build off of thin air itself, courtesy of my father. I wish I could understand why he is how he is. Sometimes I wish he'd just stay alone because he'd be safer that way. I'd say that he could get a dog as his companion, but I wouldn't want him to mistreat it if it peed on the floor or something. Dad is predictable... but only most times.

Boyfriend

An artist is nice because I enjoy being drawn.
A poet is nice because he could see past my smiles.
Musicians are nice because they are intelligent.
Dancers are thinkers. They feel more intricately, they understand.
Actors understand your darkest emotions because they often must become it.

"Man In A Box Wants To Burn My Soul"

As soon as I got home all I wanted to do was listen to Low.

I mean, I had fun with Nova and her lucky guy, but I really wanted Muse to be there. What really pissed me off was that my mom wouldn't wait for me at all. Before the fireworks were even over she was texting me asking where I was. It really got to me, I'm not the type to complain to her about the things she does that upset me, but I really want her to know that she nearly ruined my night. I was having a lot of fun and then she texted me asking where I was, and right when the fireworks were over she called, telling me they were walking back. God, I wish she knew how I felt. I could hardly even hang out with Nova afterwards without me thinking about my mom and if she's going to take off or wait...

I'm sorry, I'm just really upset about this. She... 

I wish I could redo this day.

One more hour...

So in an hour I'll be waiting to watch the fireworks with Nova and Den. Muse isn't coming, which doesn't surprise me, haha. I hope it's fun. I mean it's sure to be, but I don't know. Part of me doesn't even want to leave the house. :(

"Pain, you know you're right"

My mom was watching Desperate Housewives and she said it was sad how Kathryn Joosten (Lady who plays Mrs McCluskey on the show) died just a year ago. She said you never know when you're going to go. I guess the sadness she feels when she sees her is the sadness I feel when I listen to Nirvana. It's like in some songs I can hear his sadness, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Independence Day

So today is Independence Day. I'm going to see the fireworks at this place close to home with Nova , her boyfriend Den and Muse (friend of mine). It should be fun. I'm kinda excited, but I don't know. I've been thinking about the fireworks all week. Shmurr