I wanna cry

I also wanna laugh.

I want to slit my wrists

I also want to watch tv and laugh a little

I don't think I'm suicidal,

I just often feel like killing myself

I can't, though.

I pinky promised.

Reading again

I'm rereading Looking For Alaska. I started rereading it for my book, "The Life And Times Of Hana Soul Grimely", but then  I actually got into it and now I think I'm reading it more for me than my book. Which is okay too, because I can always take notes if I need to. I didn't think I would like reading books on my computer, but I actually love it. It's nice being able to change the paper and the fonts, and being able to read and listen to music or anything else. It's really nice. I plan on buying The Perks Of Being A Wallflower next. It's six dollars on ibooks. Nice...

Sometimes I want to overdose just to feel something.

I often fantasize about taking one prozac, and another, and another.

I often wonder how many aleve pills it would take for me to black out...

I often wonder are there golden gates,

Or are there just nebulas and stars,

I don't want to die.

I just want to feel something. 

I swear that's all it is.

I feel so numb

Ugh

I feel the massive need to sob

But they're stuck in my chest

Maybe that's why my lungs have been whistling

And my chest hurts when I breathe

I miss my friends. 

I miss having company

But I know as soon as I'm back there,

I'll want to be home again.

Mom

I wish I knew how to make you happy. It seems like you're always upset about something, and I know it's not me, but I can't help but feel like there's something I'm not doing that I should be doing to help. I hate this so much. I know I'm moody, but you're really not any better at this point. Everyone sees it, we're just not bringing it up.... I don't know. This keyboard cover is annoying to type with so I guess this is it.

Why marry someone you don't love?

Peolonging the curse...

You're a broken record.

Repeating yourself when you get stuck

Getting stuck when you get mad

Getting mad when things don't go your way.

Sad.

You're sad and you're making me worse

Prolonging the curse...

Good... for now

I bought the sims 3 today, it's still downloading though (It's taking forever, ugh). Christmas break is actually going pretty good. If dad keeps his word, we'll go Christmas shopping Saturday, which is really cool. Also I have a macbook pro now, I don't know if I mentioned that. I bought one on the first of December and I opened it when I got home (Four days ago or so).  But yeah. I wish It could stay like this...

...

I can't sleep again.

Caving in

I think the reason I was so depressed before was because I practically lived in my room. I'm realizing that human interaction isn't that bad, and talking to people actually helps my depression. Now that I'm home and there's not someone always there, I feel more depressed than ever. Idk. I feel like the walls are caving in around me...

So It Goes

I'm just not used to being home, I suppose. I'm not used to laying in bed with nothing but the tick tock of a clock across the room, and not even that nowadays, considering my alarm clock is at my dorm. I'm here for five weeks, it's 10:24, and I am alone. I'm simply not used to it. I feel the need to constantly be around people, even though I may not talk to them, simply the sound of life around me down the hall and around the corner, it's soothing. I now wake up to birds and sunlight, not yelling from down the hall and anxiety about my next test, which should be pleasing, but I'm finding it awfully boring. I've become so accustomed to my anxiety that life is boring without it. That extra drama that college drowns me in. But like getting used to the dorm life, I will become unused to it, and I'll have to become used to it all over. So with that being said, in the wise, golden words of Kurt Vonnegut, "So it goes".

Robert

I really don't want you to leave.
I'm going to hold a grudge against that airport for years
It's not even the airport's fault, but I'll hate it forever
Just because it allowed you to go.
I really don't want you to leave.
Nothing will be the same without you
and every other funny video on youtube
every funny face
will remind me of you
and how you wouldn't be here.
I really don't want you to leave.
Because the guy that's going to room with your roommate
will never be you
and he's going to try so hard to be,
and he'll try to make it easier for us,
but in the end he'll only make it worse.
I really don't want you to leave
but I know you have to
so I guess I'll just have to grin and bear it.
I really don't want you to leave,
but I definitely want you to be happy.
That's all I really want for you, honestly.
And if leaving is the only way,
then leaving is the way it'll stay.

Christmas Card

Am I a bad person? I feel like one. I've often wondered how teenagers feel after cursing out a sibling and regretting it, or stealing and wishing they hadn't. I know what that feels like now.

I don't know how to make myself feel better this time. Should I even try? I haven't felt this depressed in a while, I know that much. And no, I don't want to talk to my mom about it. I don't want to talk to any siblings about it. Can't talk to Josh about it because he doesn't even want to see me right now. Ah. Maybe I've been the bad friend all along? I think this semester would have turned out better if I'd have never played pool with them. I must really work better alone, because I always fuck up. It's inevitable. I seriously don't know what to do at this point. 

I didn't even get him a cool christmas present.

HONESTLY THE WORDS "I LOVE YOU" CLAWED AT MY THROAT AND YOU WERE HUGGING ME SO TIGHT AND WHISPERING SO GENTLY TO ME YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE BEEN COOING TO ME "SAY IT SAY IT". THEY ALMOST CAME OUT LIKE WORD VOMIT BUT I JUST WOULDN'T LET THEM OUT. IT WOULD CHANGE THE WHOLE GOD DAMN GAME AND I CAN'T DO THAT TO YOU I JUST CAN'T. I'M SORRY I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU. I'M SO SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.

:/

I can't help but feel like this is sorta my fault. Everyone's so tense now... I wish I weren't such a crybaby. I should have just kept my mouth shut. Ugh..... Tonight was nothing short of... A group of friends imploding together. I feel like all of us keep inhaling and inhaling but we can never exhale out the stuff thats bothering us. Like someone blowing a baloon until it bursts. Idk. Everyone's well past their breaking points and everyone knows it. I feel like everyone will be fine after christmas break, but what if we aren't? What if we're all stuck like this? Broken records. Scratched cds...

Scared and Worried

What if nothing works out? I'm so terrified that I'll never be successful. I don't know what to do.

Feelsy rap

I wonder what you're doing and I'm sad that it's not me.

I wanna hang out but I know that you're not free.

I've never been a first choice for you or anybody else

But maybe one day I don't now, you just might pull through?

I'm in a fat fairy tale made of whale blubber, hell

You've got me wrapped me 'round your finger all tight,

And well, maybe if I wish harder

I'll get a little bit farther

From being just a friend,

"Sister from another father"

But why bother?

Old poem from October 29 2014

I feel like a river run dry

Fish dying

Fisherman crying

Civilians dying

Or a dead game boy

Spitting up battery acid

Or a dead rabbit,

Chest flaccid.

It is hard feeling

Like this, stomach reeling

I can't believe what I'm seeing

I look in the mirror, but my reflection,

A vase of flowers unerect and

I'm so used to seeing a variety

Of wild flowers thriving inside of me...

But lately I feel like a still sea

And I long impatiently for the old me.

Better

I want to be different when I wake up. I want to be wiser. I'm going to be wiser. I promise. I'm going to be less emotional. I won't take things out of proportion. I'll be less clingy. I won't be as annoying. I'll be better. 

What do I do?

I really hate being alone, haha. It's so hard to connect with people nowadays. I feel a little dead honestly. All I've been listening to lately has been either sad acoustic music or angsty pop punk. What do I do?

Lonely

I feel unbearably lonely right now. I wish I had someone just for me. :(

I wouldn't be able to handle it.

You're not supposed to make me feel like this. I need to go  home so I can spend time away from you. Try to visit some friends. I'm sorry. I can't let myself have feelings for you. I just can't.

Things I Want You To Say To Me

"Hey beautiful."
"There's starlight in your eyes."
"That's my girl."
"I love you babe."
"I miss you."
"This reminded me of you."
"Be careful."
"Be safe."
"Call me when you get there."
"You'd look amazing in this."
"I love your eyes."
"How do you do that? You're so beautiful."
"I miss you whenever you're not around, I just wanted to let you know."
"You'd totally love this band."
"I had a dream about you last night."
"You're my baby girl."
"Here?"
"There?"
"Can I play with your hair?"
"I bought you some new lingerie."
"I set up something special for us tonight."
"Put this on."
"Close your eyes."
"I want you."
"Kiss me."

Angry

I want to be the first and last thing on your mind and it kills me that I'm not. 

I want to be the reason you're happy. 

I wish I meant more to you. 

I feel so insignificant. 

This may sound selfish but I 

just want to be more to you. 

Sorry

Oh my God

I don't know what this is.

I love you, but I also love you.

I want to be your best friend,

But part of me wants to be your girlfriend

And I hate this because I know

You'd never leave her...

Jesus....

It's Muse freshman year all over again....

You

I'm used to your arms around me

And now I hold my own arms when I sleep

I miss the small things that had slipped my mind before.

Like in the sun your eyes turn from brown to gold

And when I'm around you I don't feel so old

I still see myself as just a stupid kid,

But they want me to grow up

And they made me get a car

When I made it into college,

My dad said "kid you're going far",

But What if I'm not ready?

I still need a bit more time

I feel like I'm going crazy

Trying to keep up and survive.

We went to different colleges

And even though you had said

You'd wait for me, I knew it was a lie

Because, oh how could you deny

A shy brunette with dark jade eyes?

I wish I could have realized 

before it was too late 

and cleaned the slate,

I should have slammed the brakes;

And switched you from people to talk about,

To people to do without...

But they want me to grow up

And they made me get a car

When I made it into college,

My dad said "kid you're going far",

But What if I'm not ready?

I still need a bit more time

I feel like I'm going crazy

Trying to keep up and survive.

I've got a roommate,

And I've made some friends,

But sleeping in a dorm room

Isn't sleeping in my bed

And I pretend that I don't care

That you're fine without me

But I'm torn up about you so much that I can't even sleep...

But they want me to grow up

And they made me get a car

When I made it into college,

My dad said "kid you're going far",

But What if I'm not ready?

I still need a bit more time

I feel like I'm going crazy

Without you by my side.

I feel like I'm going crazy without you by my side.

I still need you to make me feel alive.

Fuck you

It's you guys' fault for expecting me to be someone I'm not. I'm not outgoing and I don't like to talk to people. I've never been the girl that paid attention in class or cared about history, so when some jokes go over my head or I don't know as much history as you guys, please don't make fun of me for it. Also, I don't think I've said it enough, I HAVE ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION. I wish I could go outside and talk to new people but that's just not me. It never fucking was even before I was diagnosed. I'm not outgoing, okay? Get the fuck over it. And yeah, I'm afraid of spiders and I'm afraid of walking alone at night but who the fuck wouldn't be in today's world? Yeah I didn't know SIUC was a party school over the fucking summer, but my step mom told me it was a party school way before you did and I didn't really believe her because I thought she meant it used to be. So sorry I came off as naive to you. I know a lot about the world. I'm just as old as you guys, believe it or not. You don't have to treat me like a kid and then complain about babysitting me. If you don't want to then don't. I never said you guys had to be friends with me and I want people to be around me because they want to be not because they feel like they have to be for fear of me being "lonely". Hahaha. As if I'm not used to being alone. What the fuck do you think elementary school was for me? I don't need friends that feel like I'm a kid they have to watch over every second. I can take care of myself. I'm not going to be around the dorm as much. Maybe I should start looking for different people to hang around.

Muse

I miss you

...

I don't want to have feelings for you

But although you feel like a brother to me

Part of me still wants more...

Insignificant

I feel so small and insignificant all the time now. I wish I could make it stop. I don't know what to do to make myself feel normal again. I feel like nobody listens to me, even when they obviously are. I feel like the third wheel all the time, even when it's just me and one other person. I feel like I'm not a really here, I feel like I'm here and home at the same time. I want to be alone and I want my friends. I want my mom and I also want to live alone for the rest of my days. Maybe I don't know what I want. I wish I had a counselor here. I mean there is one, but you have to pay for it, and I don't want to have to get to know somebody new all over again. Starting from the beginning, going over everything: the depression, the anxiety, the divorce, the... everything. Ugh.

Robot

YOU'VE BEEN
AT A COPYING MACHINE
YOUR WHOLE LIFE
COPYING EVERYTHING
EVERY HEART STRING
EVERY SILHOUETTE
EVERY TIME YOUR LOVED ONE
WENT TO BED
I CAN'T
I CAN'T
I CAN'T
I CAN'T

Nova

You could drag me in the dirt
& I'd still be there.
You could treat me like a speck of dust,
But I'd still braid your hair.
I read somewhere that this is
friendship,
To me it seems like a load of bullshit.
But I don't know,
I miss your voice,
But I don't want to be the second choice.
I miss your smile,
But I want you to call first
Every once in a while.

God Damn

Invade my privacy
I want to feel your breath on my neck;
Kisses along my collarbones.
You know you're the only one
I've ever let in.
That I'd ever let in.
I could write about you for eons,
Love letters and observations left unsaid,
But none of them would feel as good
As your hands around my waist,
Or your lips on mine.
I'm an eighteen year old untouched poet.
It should be on the most dangerous list,
Along with atom bombs
and molotov cocktails

      Nuclear love is twice the explosion.

Love

You've won five spelling bees,
But you can't spell love.
L-O-V-E, love.
Like the sound of doves
At a wedding between lovers, in love.
You were supposed to be there but
My love wasn't enough
But I can spell love
L-O-V-E, love,
Like a truck hitting a girl
Who pushed her love out of the way,
Lovers, in love.
I've been out of love
and in love
and loved...

Muse

I'm never gonna visit you again.
You're almost out of my head.
It feels really great to not have your name
Tattooed on my brain,
So I'm never gonna visit you again.
I'm never gonna visit you again.
Your spell is finally wearing off my thread.
I've better ways of time to spend
I could dance around
or sing aloud and proud,
And I'm never gonna visit you again.

Coffee

I've been drinking coffee a lot now. Before college I hated it. When I was a kid I used to think when I'd drink coffee in the morning it would mean I was officially an adult because my mom and dad drank coffee in the morning. I guess I was sorta right.

Crush

I really want to let you in
I also want to cut my skin
You told me I should speak my mind
but I feel like a waste of time
And I can't even talk to you
I'll look away, stunned, like a fool
Your eyes are like the tide and they pull me in
I'm scared that I may drown in them
not in the way they squeal at in love stories
but in a way I'm familiar with that's much more frightening.

Why?

My fingers are still numb from the cold but I had to type this out because it's literally killing me. Why am I always the one who has to take care of people? I don't get it. I mean I know this girl and she's coo. but she drinks a lot and she hit her head over the weekend and now she's on seizure medicine because she had maybe 4 seizures or something she said and of course me being me I had to step in and help her and meet her dumb friends who look like no good anyway. I just wish I could stop caring so much about people who don't care half as much about me.

Tripping On Xanax (Infatuation)

I washed my xanax down with beer

It was my fault, trying to feel

My mind is starting to reel

As my eyes peel back...

I see you

I'm high and I see you

You bat your eyes at me

And i can't fucking breathe

Am I tripping deep?

Because you're all I see

Tripping on xanax

And I can't breathe

Tripping on xanax

You're all I see

The Lobby Of Hobbies

We're going to hobby lobby today! That means I'll get to buy new beads for bracelets and stuff! We're also going to the goodwill, walmart, the mall, and.... that's it. It should be a lot of fun :3

Numb

I really need to work on my bitch face, lol.

I feel a bit numb. I feel like when I'm here, my emotions are put in a safe and I can only access them when I'm alone or at home. It's weird.

Home

I missed being able to cry in the shower. The bathrooms at the dorms in east campus are small and they echo so you can hear every little thing. Plus there's always people around you, there's really no time to cry. So when I got home and Olivia came over and left and everything was closing up, of course my natural instinct was to cry in the shower. The worst part is that I still have under 24 hours left. I still don't have enough fucking time to be at home. 

....

I can barely even write about you,
and I don't know if it's because I'm out of practice,
or if it's because I haven't felt this way about anyone
since a terribly long time ago.

Bose

I got new headphones today and I really like them! They work amazingly, and have really clear sound. Anyway, college is going pretty well, I like it a lot. I wanted to post something because I feel like I haven't in a while.

Nova

Nova, who are you? Where are you? Where is your head? I don't know who you are anymore. You get high every night and you're dating a guy and a girl at the same time. You slept with a friend of a friend of yours, and why? I just... I don't even know what to say. I can barely even put my emotions into words right now. I don't know who you are anymore, and I'm not sure I want to. I love you so much, Nova. I love you more than I should, and that's why you keep doing it. You know when you have people under your thumb and you use it to your advantage; to get away with things. I can't handle being under your thumb anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should drop you or let you fade away or what but it can't stay like this. This is the most unhealthy relationship I've ever had in my life with anybody, ever. I'm almost ashamed to say you're one of my best friends, and I hate myself because it's true. 

Scars

I will do everything in my power to keep your blood in your wrists.
When times get hard just form your hands into fists.
I know cutting makes you feel worth while
But when I see the scars it makes me feel worthless.

Things I wish I knew about college four weeks ago

Water isn't the same everywhere.
'Lucky' is getting to be in the elevator alone for once.
You don't go to bed before midnight,
(you just don't).
Group assignments don't end after high school
Assholes don't end after high school
You're going to find someone new
There's a lot of reading.
(There's no way around that either).
Some teachers are going to be really cool
Some teachers are going to be really quiet
Some teachers need your help more than you need theirs.
The cafeteria food does get better after highschool
You're going to make friends.
You're going to make friends.
You're not going to be alone.
You're not going to be alone.

Homesick

I really miss my mom :( Also I'm out of juice and I'm sad. All day I felt like laying in bed and staring at the ceiling. My depression is acting up and I hate it. I hope I can stay motivated this week. Idk. 

WOAH!!

On the way here with Robert We ran into this guy playing guitar and I told him it was my birthday so he said "come here" and sang happy birthday to me with the guitar :D i hugged him afterwards too mmm it was the coolest thing ever ahh ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Weight

Honestly, lately I haven't been feeling like myself. I've been feeling a little down because I feel like I'm gaining weight. I really hate it, haha. Also, I don't have a scale so I can't weigh myself and I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know how much I weigh. I feel like I could be anywhere from 110 lbs to 113, which freaks me out because over the summer I was around 107 lbs most of the time. I really like being able to weigh myself after I eat so I know what I can and can't eat for the day. Like if I weigh a lot in the morning, I know I should eat lighter that day, and if I weigh less I know I can have something nice, you know? Now I never know. And I can't trust my judgement, I mean, I feel like I look disgusting. My stomach is awful. It's poking out more than ever and I hate it. I don't know what to do. My confidence is literally being sucked out of me day by day. If I didn't hate the taste of vomit so much I'd probably be bulimic by now.

Tie Dye

Turns out I really am going to be alone on my birthday. It really sucks. I mean Josh and Robert will be here but ehh it's not the same as having the whole group. Maybe the three of us will end up doing something. Today I'm doing this tie dye thing, I'm pretty excited.

College

College is just as hard as I thought it would be, but it's definitely more fun than I thought it would be. I seriously love my friends here. They're the best. :)

Muse

Anyone who says you escape highschool in college is lying, because I can still hear your voice and i still feel the last hug you gave me. I still remember the time you helped me feel better at twelve am when everybody else was asleep. I remember you. You were all I studied in high school and I fucking hate it. I hate that you have this invincible grasp one but when I get out it's going to be fucking amazing. And thats why i have to try.

Fuck

I'm so sorry I can't be the girl you want me to be

I'm sorry that you see me as a waterfall of gold,

And I see myself as a fake half penny

I feel worthless and definitely not worth while,

And you feel I'm worth the universe and then some.

You're wonderful and miraculous and 

I can't love you the way you want me to

because you deserve every drop of love around, 

so much more than me 

and the fact you'd settle for this 

rips me apart, 

But you still call

And you don't let me fall,

And I fucking swear I've never paid anyone back

But I will try to love you enough,

And I wont fight the drowning sensation I get when I gaze in your eyes,

Because I'm not as beautiful as the galaxy,

But you say my name like it's a hymn,

And you make me feel like I'm not a waste of space dust floating in the cosmos,

And when I'm with you I feel more alive than I ever did smoking with losers who didn't know my name.

I'll die before I tell you I don't love you,

And I live to see your 5am smiles

Bedhead hair, half closed eyes, 

slow breaths...

Fun

Today was fun. The gang and I watched Captain America 2 and it was insanely good. 5 out of 5 stars. Effects were amazing, acting was amazing, it was awesome haha. Afterwards, Anna, Josh, Rob and I went to trueblood for food, but Josh and I just got drinks. It was pretty fun. Lately, Josh has been having trouble with his girlfriend. I hope they stay together. Also, Indie may be coming to visit in october. I'm happy.

Tablet

It's really cool that SIUC gave us Windows tablets because now I can post to blogger from anywhere! Righ now I'm in this mandatory freshman class. It's probably going to be boring... I can't wait until I can eat....

Fun

Today was super fun. Meg, Nathan, Celeste, Rob, Josh and I went to Quatros for pizza and split a bill, which was really cool. The walk there was awesome, honestly, and I'm not the walking type, haha. When we got back we tried to go to the saluki step up but it was full, so we went to Meg and I's dorm and watched Thor, which was awesome. We also went to this event at the student center, but we ditched it eventually because it was pretty lame honestly. Now we're at my dorm again, waiting on Josh so we can watch a movie. I'm having a lot of fun here. I wish it could stay like this.

"Everything's gonna be fine"

Everything's turning out fine here at campus. I even have a circle of friends, and I haven't even been here 48 hours, haha. Meg, Nathan, Josh, Rob, and hmmm.... I forgot the other girl's name but they're all really cool. And Meg is a really cool room mate, I like her a lot. The first night sucked ass, I'm not gonna lie. I cried all night and most of this morning. But today I met Nathan and all the others and when Meg asked me to hang out with them I said yes and they cheered! Can you believe that? Haha. It made me feel really great about myself. So we played pool and I learned to play too. I'm not that good at it yet but I'll get there. Tomorrow we have to wake up at seven though, so I'm gonna go. There's an assembly we have to go to. Meh.

Why do I keep fucking up so bad? I seriously can't do anything right. Now I can't leave for college until Saturday because of me. I feel pathetic.

Snowy

I can't find my favorite stuffed animal, 'Snowy'. I'm really torn up about it. She was supposed to go to college with me and everything. I also just spent 20 dollars for six socks. Today's been a shitty day.

Deteriorating

It's weird having to see my mom like this. Confused and downright slow sometimes, like a computer with a virus. I know she tries to laugh about it and dismiss it as getting older, but I wish she'd realize that this could actually be serious. I feel like she may have alzheimer's disease or something. It's just weird. She mixes up words and talks a little slow sometimes. Her grammar has gotten bad and she forgets how to spell simple words. I don't know what's happening to her. I just know I don't like it.

Indie's Home!

Indie's back from her vacation. I saw her the day she got back. Literally. Like an hour after they pulled into the driveway I was at their house. (Courtesy of Ethan, of course). I'm glad I got to see her so early. She got me an Oklahoma tee shirt, a Burberry bag, and a really nice cubic zirconia necklace. I feel really great, but also a little bad about it, because she spends so much on me, and I haven't done much in return ><" Also because Nova barely got anything, haha. But I don't feel as bad about that honestly. She doesn't deserve much from Indie. I think Indie deserves more from Nova, honestly. but I wont get into that. It's in the past....

I'm glad Indie's back. Tomorrow she and I and Rei are going to Dave & Busters. I'm a little indifferent to going honestly. Dave and Busters is one of those places where you can only really have fun if you're loaded with money. Literally. Unless you hit the jackpot like four times in a row or something, which just doesn't happen. Ever. And certainly not to me. I don't know. I feel like I'm going to end up crying over something stupid and ruining it for everybody because I'll be the only person without money. Like the time at the mall. Except I didn't cry. Hahah... ha....

Alcohol

So yesterday night I spent the night at Nova's house and had a Strawberrita. It was alright, it tasted like bitter strawberry soda. I got a bit drunk too actually, but it was actually pretty fun letting loose for just one night. Nova and I sang to songs all night and stuff and took a lot of pictures and videos. It was really fun. I felt like a teenager. I felt alive.

We never ended up making those bracelets she said we were going to make, though, which sucks, but it's okay, always next time. In two weeks I'll be in Carbondale for SIUC. I'm scared. This billing thing came in today and I don't know what to do with it. Mom's not in the best mood because we went shopping today. Lately I've been asking her for a lot and I feel bad. I need to stop.

At first when I told Indie she was really upset but we talked about it and worked it out. I was crying pretty bad though. I thought she may not want to be friends with me anymore and I freaked out. But I'm glad that's over. Haha. That was enough anxiety for a week.

I got a Calvin Klein Jean Jacket from Avalon shop. I'm in love. Heart eyes emoji. Mmmm. ♡♡♡♡

Mixed emotions about Prozac

I can tell that the prozac is working because it's really hard to worry about things and I'm chipper more than ever and I zone out all the time. Also I listen to happier music and my voice sounds a lot higher. Also I feel happier too, and little things make me happy, like hugs and when people smile at me. I don't know. It's weird being like this though because sometimes I get so happy I don't know what to do with myself and it's odd because it's not really my happiness, it's prozac's fake happiness, and when I think of it that way... I don't know. I should just not think about it at all honestly because I don't want to over think things but it's weird feeling like this I guess. Also, I only have two more counseling sessions and I'm pretty upset about it. I'm really going to miss my counselor. I'm probably going to cry on the last day, haha. I wish I had enough money to buy her something. I think if I could I'd buy her a plant. That way it isn't something materialistic and perishable, like clothes or something. I have an aloe vera plant. The one I got from walmart that one day with mom? I still have him and he's really healthy. His name is Thayer. Or did you know what already?

Heroin

I guess I'm just mad because I thought I knew you and I still don't fucking know you at all. I can see you as a junior dating Nova when she and I were freshman. Were you doing it then? You said you witnessed a friend doing it and you felt bad for him. I remember you telling me that. So why would you? It just hurts knowing someone I went to highschool with is or was putting heroin in his veins. I just don't get it. And the thing is, a friend told me earlier this year that you were doing Heroin and I only half believed him because I trusted him but I trusted you too. I trusted the belief that you were too smart to touch that shit but I guess I'm not too bright either right? I don't know what to think of you and I don't have anything to say to you. Your poetry is amazing and you're wise for your age, you've given me advice a lot in the past and I appreciate that. You kept me company and I kept you company too via telephone on long nights. But heroin? I can't deal with that. You shouldn't have to either.

Eh...

Lately my mom has been talking to me a lot about tattoos and stuff and telling me "Don't ruin your beautiful skin" and stuff like that and like I don't know. I know she's getting crazy about it because I'm going to be on my own with my own money soon but idk like I don't want sleeves or anything, but I do want at least one tattoo :( I mean it wasn't going to be anything dumb or distasteful... I don't know. And that's not all either, idk. There's so much I want to do that I know she doesn't want me to do, and I hate going against her wishes, but there's just so much...

For instance, I'm finally getting my hair colored wednesday, I'm so excited, I'm going to get light brown streaks in the front, but look how long it took for me to finally get that done, you know what I mean?

And honestly, eh, I feel dumb even typing this but... I want to experiment..... sexually... in college. And well, eh.....

It would be nice to know if I ended up kissing a girl she wouldn't lose her shit or anything ><"

I hate that she's squeamish and unbearably disrespectful about those things. She's never going to understand. And she wont even try to understand because she's too stubborn. It's sad, really. But whatever.

Whatever.

Fireworks

I saw the fireworks today with Nova and Vanessa's friend and mother. It was really cool. I liked this year more than last year because mom wasn't there rushing me and yelling at me. Last fourth.... Ugh. This one was a lot better. I may carpool more often. 

Antidepressants

I took my first antidepressant today. My doctor gave me enough for a month, so I'm pretty happy. I mean at least now I'm starting the dosage over the summer so that by time school starts I know if it's working and I need more or not. And then I can just get enough for three months or so; enough to last until thanksgiving break. I felt really awesome, haha. I took the pill while listening to 505 by The Arctic Monkeys. I love them, haha. They're going to perform here soon but I can't afford the ticket. Ugh.

SIUC

I need to stop relying on people to be with me all the time. I'd be fine on my own. I can't expect anybody, whether it's Violet or Nova or Indie, to come with me to Maryland or stay in a dorm with me at college or anything like that. I just can't do this to myself anymore. Nobody's going to guarantee anything to me, whether it's college or jobs or houses in the future. I need to accept the possibility that I could be alone. There's nothing wrong with it. But the more I rely on people the worse this is going to get. Olivia and I went to SIUC yesterday and I registered. It sucked, honestly. It wasn't fun, it was stressful, and boring, and uneventful. Not to mention apparently they don't have fashion design as a minor although I swear my mom and I saw it on the website. So now I have to find a new minor. Great. I feel like a dumbass.

dfadfsd

Being at my house now makes me want to stab myself repeatedly in the heart. I can't tell my mom why because the reason is her. If I tell her this, she'll ask why. I'll tell her why. She'll claim most of it I made up. If I deny that she'll say it's in my head. I'll probably start sobbing. She'll leave and ignore me when I ask her to stay. I don't know what to do. I know our finances are shit, and I'm costing a lot of money, and the diet she's on isn't fun, but I wish she wouldn't take it out on her kids. I feel like if I say hi to her she'll yell at me. I keep trying to think that maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way or maybe I'm losing it or maybe I'm making it up like she says I am most of the time, but it seems pretty real to me and if it were fake I wouldn't be fighting tears and I don't know. I want to leave but I want to stay.I want my old home back. Before everything was so stressful. Well it was stressful but not like this.

I HATE BEING BROKE I WANT TO STAB MYSELF RIGHT NOW

I hate going places when I don't have money. It's downright embarassing when you can't even afford a drink of water. And then your friends are like "you couldn't even muster a dollar?" And it's like no, i fucking can't. Not everyone has money laying around the house. At my house every quarter we find in a coat pocket is gone before the week is over. We pinch every fucking penny we own and nobody knows because we keep it hidden so fucking well. I don't want to go out without money on me. I want to be able to enjoy myself too, not just watch. Is that so hard to understand???

I used to not understand anorexia
And I used to think it didn't make sense
but now I think I understand it
when you're 104.5 pounds but you still look like 'this'?
And I feel like I'll never look how I want to
and that thought gnaws at me every day
along with everything else in my horizon
and college work speeding my way
I don't know what I'm going to do
Especially when I'm on my own
I'm afraid my self consciousness may eat me alive
And when I come home again I'll be a sack of bones

Ps:  writing is supposed to help but it doesn't anymore

Ethan

You act like you don't like me anymore  and I don't really like it at all.i talked to mom about it and she said "Well, Alyssa, you treat your sister the same way", yeah, but Vanessa and I have always been like that, Lord knows we'll never get along, but Ethan and I? How did it get this way... and the worst part is that. I don't know what to do about it. Are you mad at me? Do I owe you? I don't know what to do to get you to say something stupid and make me laugh or play a video game or something like that. I don't want us to become distant siblings. You're my favorite sibling. I don't know. Ugh.

Plant Shopping

I went plant shopping with Mom today and it was a lot of fun! I got an aloe vera plant too, which is awesome. I named it Thayer, after the main character's love interest in the independent movie "Teenage Dirtbag". It's a favorite of mine. Anyway here's some pictures from today 

Muse

1. I'm probably second on the list of people who think about you the most

2. Your facial features and characteristics are the check list for every other love interest I've ever had

3. (I haven't had many after you)

4. I can't decide if I love you or you three years ago

5. I still don't know what you think of me and that is the reason I can't sleep at night.

6. I'll be in college soon and I want to be able to love somebody else for once

7. This isn't fair, honestly.

8. Sometimes I wish we'd never met

9. Eight is a lie and it's practically humorous.

10. When will I ever stop loving you?

Nova

You're an asshole.

Muse

You're the only one I'll let pull my heart strings until they snap. I saw a guy today and his face morphed into yours. I wish you would have done what I wanted you to. I wish you wrote me poetry. I wish you'd get me flowers. I still need you like plants need rain & sunlight. Most times I can't get any rest at night, but I started to take the sleeping pills to dream of you, not to fall asleep. 

Dear Mom

I'm sorry I can't be my brother.

.

Tomorrow's June.

Woah.

Nowadays I don't really care for rain as much as I used to because I'm becoming more aware of myself being single and rain is better with someone with you, or next to you, or wrapped around you. And I'm not afraid of thunder but it would be nice of someone could protect me from it anyway. And lightning doesn't phase me but not having someone to cuddle with does and I shouldn't be thinking about this but I am and I should just stop...

...sorry.

Muse

I dreamed that Muse walked into my room and grinned at me.

"Hey" I said

"Hey"

I got up to hug him but he sat on Vanessa's bed (here, we share a room), and I couldn't possibly crawl onto a bed to hug him, so I stopped and got all choked up. At first I thought it would be another failed attempt. Another sob story. But he held out his arms this time. For the first time since freshman year, he actually wanted to hug me. I shyly got up and hugged him, and before I could stop myself (literally, I was shocked even in the dream), I said 

"I miss you"

And I don't think he's ever said this to me, and I doubt he ever will, but he said

"I miss you, too."

Neighbor's dead daughter

My neighbor's daughter's car

Is covered in 

dead cherry blossom petals

And the walls

Of her house

Are drowning

In tightly entwined

Dark green ivy.

Every autumn

People lay flowers

On her doorstep,

And every autumn

You can see

Her mother and father's

Bloodshot eyes.

And there are extra

Suicide pamphlets

Given out at my high school....

But I still see the girl everyday

In her bedroom window.

She can't stop crying.

I wish I couldn't see her.

It's so beautiful outside tonight. The sky was a partly cloudy cerulean sea, and there were only a couple stars out because of how light the sky was in the dusk. The breeze was cool against my arms, but not harsh enough to mess up my hair. I only went outside to play with Jamie. I tossed the ball to her a couple times. Man. It felt so great outside. Sometimes I go out there and get sad because the world is so beautiful,  I don't really have anybody to share it with. Nights like these are nights when I'd just go outside and look to the sky just because, and call that special guy. If I had one. Ugh. It's nights like these I wish I weren't so alone.

I graduated about five hours ago today. It feels amazing. I'm supposed to be sleep because in two hours I'll be at a lock in from eleven pm to five am. How will I stay up? I don't know. I really don't. I may have a small crush on this guy. He's always been cute, I've just been ignoring it. It's becoming hard to ignore. I gave him my number, but he hasn't texted yet. Did I mention he's cute? I got foundation on his shirt when I hugged him. He has curly hair. After graduation I went to Little Maggiano's in Clayton. For a shit ton of money you can have the best damn italian food on earth. It's so good. I'd say it's worth every dime. I want to write down a scene for hana soul grimely. It's my book I'm working on. Ugh. I need to sleep but I can't sleep. And I'll never tell you who it is.

Problem

I know if I did I'd die, but I wonder what it feels like to be drifting in and out of consciousness? Blinking my eyes and hours go by. People come in to say hi and when I blink and open my eyes again they've already passed by. Or what it feels like to be in a coma, and waking up to cards and teddy bears and get well cards. Unless it were me. I often wonder who would visit me if I were in a coma. If i got hit by a bus and slept for a solid month. Who would stay by my bedside and cry in their sleep for me. I don't know. Family sure. Not a specific boy i have in mind. I crave the feeling of being missed and wanted around. I want to bring happiness to everyone that sees me Nd I don't want to trouble anybody anymore. If I could become a walking utopia I would in a heart beat. Plus a flat stomach and a taller frame. And a billion dollars. Thats my problem.

Work work work work fucking work

What if I don't want a job?! What if I want to spend my last summer as a kid not working and actually enjoying it? I'm supposed to go to Chicago with Indie! I can't do that if there's a job in my way. I wish there were a way to make you understand. I don't want a job. I know I cost a hell of a lot but I wont even be here in three months so can't you just deal for that much longer?! Doesn't that make sense? I literally wont even hardly be in your life in four months or so. Doesn't that at least make you a little sad? I'm moving across America so that I don't fall back and depend on you anymore. I'm surprised you haven't figured that out yet. Since sixth grade I knew I was a problem. I knew I costed more than everyone else and that I was needier. I'm sorry about that. I'm materialistic and idk. That's just me. That's always been me. I'm sorry, okay?! I just don't want a job. I can't handle it. If I work all summer and stress about that, and then go straight to college and stress over that, by November I'll be in a psychiatrical hospital. Do you understand? I mentally and emotionally cannot handle that much stress/ pressure in that much given time. I'll break. I can't even tell you this or you'll go off on me. Whatever.

You and me (How It Should Be)

If people keep

sugar coating things for me

I'm gonna get diabetes

Maybe thats why I'm sitting here

In my underwear

Eating this bag of wheaties

And all that I can think about

Is how he made you smile

Way wider than I did

And maybe thats why 

Just last night

I got myself so totally wasted

That I couldn't find

Any focus in my eyes.

I think I lost my mind

Because I wrote your name

A thousand times (up and down my arms)

The truth is

You'll never come back 

as long as that prick is in your 

life.

And it hurts,

And what makes it even worse is that

You're all I ever want to see

And it shouldn't be you and him

It should be you and me.

Awkward

So whenever I'm mad I look at half naked pictures of girls haha oh I'm just now realizing this okay bye

Muse...

Tell him? Haha. No. Thats the dumbest idea ever. Thats what got me into trouble in the girst place, tell him? Why? Do he can laugh and ihnite the rumors again? No. I'm not an idiot. And don't ask me whats wrong because there's too much to type. In two weeks nobody will ever have to see me again. I could disappear if I really wanted to, and I want to so badly. I wish I could leave and people would search for me and maybe they wouldn't dislike me as much when I was found, if I decided to be found. Why am I sad? I'm invisible. Most times people ignore me in class and in the hallways. I'll wave and they'll look right at me and look away. I hate it. Whats wrong with me? I don't know why I can't be liked, and why I can't have a bunvh of scholarships amd be athletic and be a kid my parents could really truly be proud of. I feel like a waste of space 99.99% of the time, and school doesn't help. I'm tired of being ignored and never feeling like I'm good enough.

Invade my privacy

I want to feel your breath on my neck;

Kisses along my collarbones.

You know you're the only one

I'd ever let in;

That I've ever let in.

I could write about you for eons,

Love letters and observations unsaid,

But none of them would feel as good

As your hands around my waist

Or your lips on mine.

I'm a seventeen year old untouched poet.

It should be on the most dangerous list

Along with atom bombs 

and molotov cocktails..

I've learned that nuclear love 

is twice the explosion.

Muse

My friend Isaac thinks I should tell Muse how I feel. Idk. I'm not going to anyway but I've been thinking about it and... No. Never. I did it once and I'm not doing it again. He's a straight forward guy. He looked so happy with his girlfriend on Saturday. He'd never go for a lame girl like me. Ugh.

Senior Prom 2014

Prom was so much fun. Indie and Nova came over yesterday and we all did our makeup (although Nova was only over for thirty minutes), and then I got to curl Indie's hair and stuff, which was seriously awesome, I felt like a hairdresser, haha. She loved the curls so much she nearly cried, which was awesome ( not the crying part though, haha ). I tried to do a French twist to my hair but I couldn't do it so I had my mom French braid my hair and then I folded it under and around so that it was a braided updo. It looked amazing. And I had these nice pearl and crystal hair combs that I out on both sides, which was pretty nice. Prom was actually rather extravagant. The DJ sucked, but other than that it was cool. Everyone was dancing their asses off, even me, haha. I also had toasted ravioli for the first time, which was delectable. I think I'm going to ask my mom to buy it next time I'm at schnucks, haha. Towards the middle it got a little sad because Alex left with Dez, which bummed Indie out, and then you'll never guess who I saw kissing his girlfriend during the slow dance to 'Iris'. Jesus. Way to fucking go. Anyway... Hha... I'm fine. I need to get over him anyway. He's so dumb. Anyway, so it was cool because Alex rented a car for Indie and I to go to prom in. Ash was there too and it was really fun having him and not just Alex, because Alex was getting on my nerves, haha. We also had corsages, which was amazing. After prom, Ash and Indie came over and watched a movie, and Indie spent the night! which was really fun. I was knocked out during the movie though, we watched Treasure Island (Disney movie). Today, Sunday, Indie and I got snow cones and we got to go to the goodwill and do a little thrifting. We found some really cool tank tops and other summer things. I'm trying to hard not to think about that dumb song...

Nova

What am I supposed to do? I'm not exclusively yours. I hate you for being so jealous, you're always mad and mean to everybody. You treat Indie and I like shit, okay? That's what I've wanted to tell you. You don't listen to us and you're paranoid and you still think Indie has a thing for Den which is stupid because why the fuck would she if she's the one who set you two up? You're so terribly ignorant. It makes me sick. And you steal whatever you want and cry when things don't go your way, and you expect to pass high school on the mercy of your teachers versus actually trying. I hate that too. It's not fair. I don't know what to do. I wish we'd never been friends.

Anxiety

Maybe I'm looking at this more like I'm the victim, I don't know. Math is going terrible again. I was going to stay after for tutoring today but apparently there wasn't tutoring because the teacher that volunteered wasn't even there today. I nearly missed my bus. I just want everything to be over. I want to be anxiety free most of all, though. Even my social anxiety is getting worse, but I don't think that's math. That's just me. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't even talk to people I used to be able to talk to and it's my own fault. I don't know what to do to make myself realize everyone doesn't hate me and it's all in my head but most times I try to talk to people I think of everything there is to hate and then I couldn't possibly try to talk to them. People think I act the way I act to make them laugh or I'm just awkward but not many people know that I actually have anxiety and honestly I don't want to tell anybody because then they'll treat me differently. Like there's something wrong with me, ugh. I can't go through that again.

weird ghost dream

I totally had a dream that I had sex with a ghost last night. He was amazing, haha. I forgot the rest of what happened but I'm sure it'll come to me as the day goes on.

dfwhehwkejhr

Today ai felt so overwhelmed by homework that I had to leave and go upstairs. Even though Senior year is almost over, I don't know how much more I can take. Plus, I just know I'm going to fail the math final, and if I don't pass, what then? I can't bear the thought of having spent a whole semester in math, slaving and crying and having panic attacks over it, just to have to take it again in college.... I hope Mrs Athena wouldn't do that to me... She knows I'm trying... I just don't know what to do. I wish I could run away to San Francisco and never come back. Become somebody else, become a millionaire off of my books, and just live. Sure, I'm alive, but my entire life I've felt only that. Just being alive. Not actually living. And there's a difference. Smiling while skydiving from three hundred feet isn't the same smiling while getting an ID picture taken at work or school. That's the difference between being alive, and living.

Zoo

Today the senior class went to the Zoo during school as the rest of the school took the ACT. It was really fun! I hung out with Hayley, Azariah, Kyra, Danielle, Lauren, and Ashleah. I got to pet stingrays, see cool/ cute animals, and see the seals too, the seals are the... second best (The stingrays were definitely the best, their skin is so smooth, and two of them kissed my hand! They were the cutest little sea creatures ever, haha). I had some awesome chicken strips too, even if they did skip out on my serving ><" The only bad thing was that I didn't get a souvenir, and on the bus ride back a spider nearly fell on me on a web, it was just flying around, right over my legs. Ugh. Mark saved me, bless him, haha. Also, it was kinda awkward, because nobody really knew Ashleah forreal and I think she was really uncomfortable. She kept leaving and coming back and didn't seem to be enjoying herself. I felt really bad, but what was I supposed to do? It was borderline irritating because I knew it was going to happen either with her or Nicole. Grr..... why can't all my friends love eachother? Haha. So much drama. I'm just sick of it... anyway, yeah. The zoo was awesome. It sorta sucked because my painting was due today and I'm still not finished, although Olivia helped out, a lot. Seriously. If It weren't for her it would probably have taken me like two more days. Mrs Morris is so unforgiving. I haven't even worked on my presentation for next Friday and it has to be perfect or you get a bad grade. I can't keep looking back at the screen and stammer and stutter. Nobody understands how important it is that I practice, because all the teachers have been doing is assigning more and more and more homework. What am I supposed to do? I can't do it all.

I got another nineteen on the ACT. If anything, it's like a huge slap to the face. I mean I did it to myself, I determine what grade I make, but I honestly don't know why I keep getting the same score. I'd almost feel better if I did worse, because honestly I sort of expected a worse score this time and the fact that I still got a 19 just makes me want to shoot myself. I know I've already been accepted into SIUC but nobody wants a fucking 19. Not even a college. I'm still surprised I got in. I'm waiting for them to realize they got the wrong name or something and there's another Alyssa Thomas with a 26 or something that they actually haven't met yet. It's just really depressing. It would be cool if I could impress people. I can't even impress myself.

Caring

The bottom line is

I'm not happy until

I'm holding my

Stomach in

So bad it hurts,

And I'm not ready to spill

Until I'm about

Ready to hurt myself,

And I'm the most fragile

Person I know and

Nobody else sees it

Or cares enough to look

And maybe it's

Just because I'm tired

But sometimes I

Don't even care enough

About myself.

Muse

Can you explain to me

Why I still write about you

Every other day

And why i check 

My hair before

Every class with you 

In it

And why sometimes at night

I press on my hip bones

And pretend it's you

Everytime

I pretend its you

Dad

I wish I knew why my dad never answers the phone. I swear sometimes he just downright rejects the call. It just hurts.

Weird puzzle piece

I forgot to tell you something yesterday. No, that's a lie. I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell you or not...

I quit band a year ago. Specifically, I quit band the second semester of Junior year. I knew it wasn't for me anymore when I came back from Winter break, walked into the band room third hour, and... It just hit me, you know? Sort of a "Why the fuck am I in here" type of thing. I didn't want to do the scales on the Marimba. I didn't want to play the timpani. I didn't want to look at the snare drums. I didn't want to look at sheet music ever again... I wanted to tear it up. My heart was rebelling against my mind. To be honest, band was always... something that I fed off my friends interest to keep my interest up... I can't describe it. My freshman year, every time my brother would come back from a competition, he'd brag about it. For ages he'd go on about how fun it was and he'd always end it with "So yeah, join band." Join band, Alyssa. Join band. Join join join. So finally I just did it, you know? Why not. (I'd been in band since fourth grade before that, so it wasn't like I was picking up anything new). I joined it and yeah, I liked it. It was fun. I made friends. I felt like I was a part of a huge family, and I was. I really was. They still want me back... I wish that Ethan hadn't done that though. I wanted to be in acting. That was my goal. I even put it above band on my 8th grade freshman year course request. They put me in art... Which I'm losing interest in too... I can never keep interest in anything for long enough to want to have a career in it... except writing, but... what if my book doesn't sell? I don't know. What I'm trying to say is, Saturday after the play, I stayed for the cast meeting even though I'm not in the cast (Indie invited me in). It made me feel... really alone. I don't know. Like the lyrics "Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room". I just sorta felt, like, I'm not in band anymore, I'm not in acting, even though I wanted to be. I'm not a part of any huge club or group in the school. I'm just me. It's just me. And when I thought that, I don't know... it hit me really hard. I went home and sorta just... well if I didn't have internet access to blog about it, I probably would have been up all night crying. It hurts when I think about how alone I really am in everything. I wish I had something to be a part of.

Nova

With Nova, basically, the memories outweigh the bad things, and that's what makes me hold on.

Blogger

The more I think about it, the more I think I should probably go back to writing diary entries versus  using blogger. I mean what if one day Blogger is discontinued or something? I have poems on here that aren't even written down. I'd hate to lose them... I don't know. Something to think about.

I just got back from the play at school. Actually, it was a compilation of four, Carmen, Fear, Worst Day, and something else ermm... I forgot the name of the last one. They were all really great, but I think 'Fear' was my favorite. As usual, I didn't vote. I'm interested in other's opinions.

Indie and I talked about a mutual fear of 'being the second choice'. I'm glad I'm not the only one that has that weird fear, haha. I mean, for me it's more of an all around anxiety thing. I took a 6 hour test last week to see if I had any disorders like Anxiety, depression, ADD, etc. I think I probably have all of the above...

A couple days ago in third hour, we were talking about Xanax and stuff, and I got sorta scared because I didn't know Xanax was addictive and I don't want to become addicted to any pills, that's the last thing I need going into college. Maybe there's an alternative? Plus, I don't want to take a pill if it's going to alter how I am. Sometimes people take antidepressants and become entirely different people. I guess I still want to be me, ironically, because most times all I want is to be somebody else...

Old Friend

So when I was getting my prom ticket I ran into Dawn. I hope she does well in life. I mean I know she will because she always is eight because she's Dawn, and I don't even know why I care so much but I guess even after all the drama I still consider her a friend of mine and a great person. Idk. Also, I wrote a really good poem today. I may type it on here later.

Nova

I can't sleep because of you,

You see, when people like you

Enter my life, I always question it.

Motives, reasons,

It's stupid, because

Of you want to talk to me

It's because you want to,

But you usually walk the same way as me

So why today?

Nova

I shouldn't be feeling this angry first thing in the morning, but I am, and it's because of you. I don't want the red firey drama of ending our friendship, so I'm going to hold on until the end of the school year. After that, good luck getting anything out of me. I need to get away from you. Don't try to make me understand why you need me to stay. I'm leaving you because you're a bitch. I can't deal with people who steal and get away with it, or treat their friends like shot and blame the friend for no reason other than crying when you yelled at them. Also, you're not as strong as you make yourself out to be. You're mentally and physically weaker than all of your friends. Don't try to make yourself seem stronger than your friends as they're standing next to you. That's a tip. "Kit? She's nothing to be afraid of. I'm the one you need to be afraid of." No. You're the one that will drag them into the ground along with you. Pathetic.

Nova

You're going to keep treating people like shit and push them away and some will walk away and soon enough you're going to find yoursf entirely alone and nothing you make up or blame it on or say will make you come back because you would have used up all the excuses. You know what I think? I think you're a spoiled brat. I used to think maybe it was the home life or maybe she'd just had it so hard growing up, but I have my own fucking peoblems, and my childhood was just as shitty as yours was, so don't come at me with that stereotypical I was abused so you have to love me bullshit. So was I, but I don't treat everyone who ever loved me like shit. I don't even know of I believe that you have aspergers. How do I know you didn't make it up to make people feel bad? You've called wolf too many times. You don't deserve me. You're peobably one of the worst people I've ever befriended. I wish I would have listened to everybody in middle school when they tried to get me away from you. I'd have been a lot better off.

abusive relationship poem

I actually really like the rain

And I used to open

The windows a little

To hear the thunder more

But you closed them 

Because "water would seep in"

Even though that never happened.

And once you

Bought me expensive makeup

And I felt really great

Until you commanded me

To cover the bruises.

And sometimes when

I'm on the beach

I think about the time we fought

So bad that in the end

I thought maybe if I just

Swam far out enough 

I could end it all.

And you'd make fun of my ocd

Even though actually

It might have saved me a couple times

I could never get the note just right.

Still can't.

student teacher?

I've never been so hopelessly, shamefully attracted to a teacher in my whole entire life. Not a teacher thats been here. (Hell no). Honestly, it's a student teacher (I keep reminding myself this is a private blogger but I still feel like he's reading it this very second). He's so attractive it makes me want to hit a wall. Seriously. It kills me. He's also my faculty advisor so I get to see him a lot, well, now that I turned in my paper I guess I'll see less and less of him. :( Ugh. I wish he could have been here longer. I swear I feel absolutely disgusting around him, haha. The other day I was getting my paper back from him after senior literature and just.. Ahhh.... He also has really nice eyes. They're really blue. Thats probably what gets to me so much. Haha. There's not that many captivating blue eyes, but this is one of those times that really puts me to the test. Ugh. I need to hurry up and graduate.

Music to my ears

Wednesday I'm going to take a test to see if theres anything wrong with me. The test is six hours. It's a behavioral test. It's how they diagnose depression and stuff. Sounds like something I'd be associated with. I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual now. Straight girls don't dream of kissing girls they saw in the hallway at a college tour. I just don't know what to do. All this anxiety and depression shit I have to deal with, and now this stupid sexuality bull shit. I wish I could just be a normal teenager. Ugh. Tomorrow is Monday. I've been on spring break. Thursday I had a college tour. It was amazing! I went to SIUC. Carbondale is really nice, It's a quiet small town. Like college towns usually are. I really like it there. I'm totally going to siuc. They accepted me and everything, which is great. Now I just have to do those final steps. I'm excited. Haha. It's a downer because I have to buy so much stuff for my dorm now. I don't have any money. Dad probably wont help me because he hardly ever does so why bother. I found so much new music today too. Teen Suicide, Elvis Depressedly, Neck Deep, new stufff from Brand New, Starry Cat, etc. They're great. I forgot to put elvis depressedly on my mp3 player. Ffs...

blogger

This is the only place I can put my thoughts without worrying about anybody seeing it. That's pretty sad.

I don't mean this

I hate you. You're no different from the rest and I hate you. You're not funny and you're not damaged. Go away go away go away.

work :(

I deally don't want to go to work today.

On other notice, church today sorta made me think. I really wish I were baptised later in life, under my own watch, and because I really wanted to. I was baptised at two years old. I didn't even know who the hell God was, and why the priest was trying to 'drown' me. It sucks that I didn't get a choice. 

Shit rice for dinner

It makes my head hurt

My head is so heavy

I can't keep my chin up.

Your words resonate

Like a clock striking twelve

My head was on cloud nine 

Now I feel like I'm stuck in hell

And the demons aren't people

They're all of your self doubts

When you're living with them 

It gets even harder to shut them out.

You again (Him again)

I don't know why I thought spilling my fears to you would make you want to talk to me again. I just have to pretend to not be sad that you didn't say more to me when I said hi to you today. I have to pretend to not be bothered by you not asking me if I was okay during school. I want you to notice me. Why can't I exist to you at school too?

Ps: You don't help someone at twelve am who you don't care about. Are we friends? If we are, why wont you say any more than 'hey' to me at school? Are you embarassed of me?

You. (Him).

It's raining really hard right now

Sneak through the back door and come up stairs.

No, I'm not asleep, you're fine.

Will you put your arms around me?

If you're cold I have extra blankets

(Honestly, I have too many blankets

And not enough 'you' to share them with)

Come closer

Come closer

Come closer

I don't care if your hair

Is still wet from the rain

I'd rather shiver with you

Than be too warm and alone again.

Running away?

Today would be the perfect day to finally disappear. I've been thinking about it. Running away. I don't want to be anywhere anymore. I don't even want to be around myself. If I could just take my soul and leave my body, I would. I'm tired of hurting everyone around me. I'm sick of myself.

Muse

Thanks for listening to me. You're great. Most of the time I talk about you it's in spite of the past, and I need to stop doing that. I have to forgive you or I'll always be mad. All I know is that tonight I was crying really hard and you were one of the only people still up to listen, and that means a lot to me. I tried your number first because I wanted you to be the one to help, so I guess that's saying something too. Basically, before I go off on a tangent, thanks for listening. It means a lot to me.

Ughhhhhh

I don't even want to be around myself anymore. I disgust myself. I'm a bitch, and I'm lonely, and annoying. Why am I here? I feel like I don't deserve to live.

Work

I went to work today. It was actually really fun, really great. Even though I was cramping really bad, I had a lot of fun. I got to work in the front today, and I got to greet people that walked in and showed them where stuff was. I was pretty good at that, actually. I wasn't really going to type today but this girl walked in and I didn't think much at first, but when she put the dress on that she ordered, man, I don't know. She was beautiful. Her bangs framed her face like Ariel, and her french braid was messy, but perfect. She was really cute, had a really cute face, auburn hair, cute nose. Seeing her in her dress was the highlight of my day. It was as red as red could be, and it made her hair look brighter. The front and back were both in a V, and it was lacy. I wish I'd sneaked a picture. Damn it. It took me a while to get her out of my head. Everything's starting to fade now. I was blushing about her face a couple hours ago. Now I can't remember what color her eyes were.

The little things

The Little Things by Colbie Callait has been stuck in my head. I wanted to write about a lot of stuff but I can't really remember what anymore. I have a tutor in math now, his name is Lewis, he's cool. I may actually pass the class thanks to his help, which is awesome. Also, apparently I'm not supposed to take sleeping pills because of my asthma? Idk. I have before and nothing happened and I've been taking Nyquill since I was a little kid and trust me I had it a lot worse then, so if anything were going to happen it would have happened by now. Also I really want to see a... Uhh... Whats the word.....chiropractor, because my back hurts a lot more lately. And it pops a lot. I'm like an old lady. Also my chest hurts a lot right now and I've been craving Lucky Charms a lot lately.

Ps: Today in third hour apparently my friend Cole said he had a dream that Carmen and I were kidnapped and George was batman. Odd. Haha.

Stretch

I need to stretch my skin out for a bit and put it back in place. Nothing feels like it's in the right place.

The Senior Project

I really hate my senior project. I loathe it. It takes up so much time and I donmt even know what I'm doing. It costs more to make a dress than it does to buy one nowadays and thats really pathetic. I should have made something else like a skirt or somethigg. Maybe a purse. I'm never making a dress with these conditions ever again.

God fixes everything?

I haven't prayed in a while. Lately when I go to bed I hit the pillow and I don't wake up until 5:20 the next morning. And the time between that when I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm usually struck with such bad anxiety I don't even think of it. I wish I were on medication. I know it looks bad on life insurance forms but I really need help and they say God fixes everything but how? I want to feel something.

"I'm Sorry"

Why do I say "I'm sorry" so much?
I'm always sorry about something
Sorry for laughing too loud
Sorry for crying too much
I feel like I'm always apologizing
for being in the way
being too close
Too clingy
Or too far away.
"You shouldn't hang around him"
"You didn't do this right"
"You have to try harder"
"Sorry", "sorry",
"I'm sorry".
I'm never just right
I'm always that half inch to the left.
I want to feel

Tell me what I'm doing wrong here, please.

Ugh

I wish there were somewhere I could go that's between school and home and all my responsibilities. Somewhere where I could be myself and be alone for a while. Somewhere I can't be yelled at or have to deal with pretending to be sorry for impatient children. I need to get away. Seriously. I feel like someone's scraping my insides out. Very slowly. Taking their time.

I just want to sleep

I just want to drink something that tastes like heaven and as soon as I drink the last drop it lets me sleep for like a week and when I wake up I feel rejuvenated and people are just nicer and I'm better at things in school and I feel worth while. Right now everything sucks and I feel dumb and I feel like a waste of space. Sometimes I don't want to be here at all, but I'm always afraid of saying 'fuck my life' or 'I want to disappear' and then something bad actually happens to me where I die or something. I don't want to die. I just want to feel better. I don't want to have anxiety. I don't want to be horrible at math. I want to be exceptionally smart and I want people to be jealous of my intelligence. I want to feel like I'm worth something. I want to feel better about myself and I just want to be out of high school. It kills me, seeing the same people over and over. The same teachers. The same cliques and the same bull shit. I'm tired of it. I'm tired.

Can the world stop spinning so fast? I'm the only one who can't catch up.

Poem I wrote November 22 2013

Fear rattles my bones,
Turns them cold.
I fear I may harvest this beast until I
grow old.
And if it dies with me,
Then whatever shall I be?
When my skin seeps through the coffin,
Will it find another soul to feast?
My emotions are constantly in a race.
Happiness can never keep the pace.
Anger pushes through 'sad' or 'glad'
And ecstasy is afraid of my veins.
Fear, unfortunately, is always in first
place.

Poem I wrote December 14th 2014

I read
A Japanese legend
That if you can't sleep at night
It's because you're awake
In somebody else's dream,
But if somebody is
Lost enough
As to dream
Of me,
I shall show them
The hell of visions
And nightmares
Under my eyelids,
And ask them,
"Will you still dream of me
Now?"

Poem I wrote In December 2013

Pretty goddess,

Sunken eyes and

They're as green as nightmare skies,

How's your life in that disguise?

How's your life in that disguise?

Nobody knows you because

All you do is lie.

Pretty goddess

You don't realize

Boys and girls look at you 

With far away stares.

They catch each other's sight

And try not to glare,

Everyone wants you to be theirs

Everyone wants you to be theirs.

But I'm not a boy

And I'm not a girl.

I'm as noticeable as the dust 

in the corners of the world

But I'm here

And I'm there

I am truly everywhere,

And I know,

Pretty goddess,

That you're scared.

You're scared.

Poem I wrote December 28th 2013

I was bored.
He said he wanted to come over
And I said
"Why, there's nothing to do here."
He said
"I could wash your hair?
Peel off your clothes?
Bite your neck?"

Poem I wrote January 2 2014

3:59 am
it's almost raining;
Just a drizzle.
I almost want you back,
Just a little,
And it's almost 4 am,
and in a minute
I'll be laying here again,
Pointing out the obvious.

Poem I wrote January 26th 2014

Sometimes I stay up missing you.

It happens more than I'd like it to,

I don't know what I'm supposed to do,

When parts of myself remind me of you.

poem I wrote on february 4th 2014

Ceramic skin
Porcelain again?
I can't win.
I just wanted a friend.

For the boy in the waiting room at the psychologist's office on February 13th 2014

Broken wrist,
Curly hair,
You've intrigued me.
What are you listening to?
What music do you like?
Talk to me.

Dear Mom,

Can you please be happy for me?! Can you at least pretend like you're happy I'm going to this boring ass scholar fair to try to get myself noticed by colleges?! SIU isn't my first choice. It never was. I haven't even been there yet! Cut me some slack, fucks sake....

Stars

Today went okay. Lewis is tutoring me now, which is great, because with his help I feel like I actually have a chance at passing math. Also, I got to talk to Eli, who I had totally forgot went to Wedgewood and played Alto Sax for a year. My mom remembers him. (Probably because of his hair, he's the blondest teenage guy ever, usually hair darkens as you get older and.. Never mind.) but yeah, it was nice to talk to him. I wish I would have asked what college he's going to. When I got home after computer club I was taking to recycling bin to the front of the garage and the lid flew up and hit me in the face. So now my lip is swollen (and cut too, thanks teeth). I hope it goes down tomorrow. I also had a headache from hell after it hit me but it went away after I took some Ibuprofen. Also, today I let Jamie outside around eight o clock, and it was a little chilly outside but the ground soaked up the rain so I walked outside in my house shoes and looked up at the sky. I love it up there. It's weird to think people have actually been up there. We've been to the moon and we've seen the surface of Mars. When I look at the stars it's the only time I feel small and I don't mind. The sky was so dark that they shined ultra bright. I don't know. Some sort of feeling washed over me that I wish would have lasted a little longer, but then she started barking and I had to let her in and it was too cold to take a second look so I simply didn't. I hope at SIU the sky is dark enough to see the stars too.

Algebra 2

I don't know what to do. I talked to my math teacher about my grade (I'm failing) and she said that I just have to keep trying and staying after for tutoring and do everything I'm doing now. She knows I'm trying my hardest. I just wish I could know if I'm going to pass or not so I know what to do and if what I'm doing helps (I mean, it doesn't, because I stay after nearly every day and it doesn't do shit, but idk maybe if I torture myself enough she'll bump my grade up at the end, idk. I know I'm going to fail. I can't do it. I'm trying my hardest and I can still never understand math and I have no idea why because everyone else gets it and passes their tests and then there's me like it always fucking is, in the back saying over and over "I don't get it". I wish I could feel worth while.

Sexual wexual

Also I think I could be bisexual. I don't know. I've thought about it before, but it was middle school. I thought it was a phase or something, and so many websites had things like 'it's normal at your age' and 'it'll go away' but it didn't for me, and idk honestly I'd choose to see a girl naked over a guy anyday because penises look weird I'm so serious. I don't know. I'm not really thinking too hard about it but it just makes me a little sad bc I know what my mom thinks about them and I don't want her to think I'm a freak or something. She probably would though, I mean there's nothing to do about it. Tbh she'd probably hate me if I were gay. Eh..

André

Thank you for talking to me the other day, it didn't help much, but at least it helped a little. Honestly, what really gets to me is that you're doing everything I always wanted my dad to do. It's bittersweet. I just wish he had done the things you're doing now. But thank you nonetheless. It means a lot to me, how much you care.

Dear Dad,

I want you to beg for my forgiveness

Like I have begged for your attention.

How could someone treat me better

In five months

Than you've treated me

In seventeen years?

I've waited for you to come home with roses

And I've waited for you to hug me after work.

I've waited for a gift on Valentine's day

That isn't chocolate

Which I've told you one hundred times

That I hated.

I've waited for you to tell me the good about myself

Instead of picking every bad thing

And hurling it at me

Whenever

You

Get

The

Chance.

I've waited for the love of a father

That I had no idea could be this amazing.

And there's only one reason that it's 99% 

And not 100,

And that's because

It's not you.

Seventeen years .