Josh

Brianna got to have so much time with you, don't you understand? She got to hold you at night and kiss you and be the first and last thought on your mind and she never even fucking deserved it. She fucked up, she cheated, she made you vulnerable and terrified. She made you doubt your own fucking instincts, your worth. I can't help but fucking hate her. She turned you into somebody I didn't even fucking know, and whenever you were sad, guess who helped? Sarah. Sarah helped, and then there was me who could never fucking seem to get through to you. Not to mention I waited just like Sarah did. I waited so fucking long, and I still didn't get to have you in the end. That part isn't Brianna's fault, but I'm still fucking mad at her for it because I never even got the fucking chance, dude. I feel like I let you down. I feel like I wasn't enough because I wasn't the one you chose when that bitch fucked you over. She fucking ruined everything, she even tried to ruin you, and I fucking love you. I love you. I never wanted to see you that hurt. I never wanted you to be that miserable, but what could I do? I loved you, but you loved her. It's been so painful, all of it. Watching her hurt you, watching you fall out of love with her and in love with Sarah. I watched it all unravel before my eyes and there was nothing I could do because I never even stood a chance. Why did I ever think I did? Fucking kill me.

Chartering Ceremony

Sorry for not writing in a while, I've had so much homework. It's been awful.

Today was the chartering ceremony for my friend's fraternity, Alpha Sigma Phi. I'm really happy for them. They looked so proud up there in their suits and whatnot. They're at the fraternity's party right now, probably getting wasted. Sarah, Ryan and I didn't go, though. Sarah went back to the dorms apparently, and Ryan and I ended up looking for everyone's Christmas gifts. Although, something surprising happened..... I actually went on a date with him! It was odd, because last year, idk, it just seemed like he he hated my guts, haha. Regardless, it was honestly a lot of fun. Hanging out with Ryan's always really thrilling because he's so spontaneous. I wish he knew how amazing of a guy he really is. He has severe depression, so he's usually not that happy. Kinda like me with my anxiety. I'm always scared, haha. Oh well. I used to be constantly scared and sad, but at least now it's just scared, right? Eh... that's not much better.

Anyway, I may be on academic probation next year. I'm nervous about that, because if I don't get above a C average GPA, that's where I'm headed, and then I'd be forced to go to tutoring and all this other stuff and I'd feel like a total loser. I mean, I already kinda feel like that, but... more so I suppose.  

Also, I'm still trying to get over Josh. It's difficult. Sometimes when I see the way he looks at Sarah, I just get so sad. It's like a dagger to the heart sometimes. I just need to get over it. If I were supposed to be with him I would be but..... I waited and waited and..... I never even had a chance.

Dad

I'm not your fucking slave. I'm going to get over this, and you'll wish that you never treated me the way you did. Fuck you. Fuck everything you did to me and my family. I'm so fucking tired of putting so much energy over hating you. Feeling like I want to vomit because of how angry I am at you constantly. You haunt me in every way there is to haunt a person. I'm tired of it. I'm so fucking tired.

christmas

It's really hard to explain emotional and verbal abuse, especially to someone who's never gone through it. It's even worse when it's different circumstances that are hard to grasp, like the difference between emotional abuse from a parent versus emotional abuse from a boy or girl friend or even husband. Sometimes, these abusive people in our lives, we're stuck with them until the bitter end whether we want to be or not. Sometimes these people ruin events for us, birthdays, certain locations, holidays, or more. Please don't make it worse for them by making them feel bad for disliking certain things because of the abuser, or constantly asking "why don't you like this or that" when they clearly don't want to answer, etc. If someone was so terrible to them in the past that it entirely ruined something so important as a holiday or something, you'd think that they'd leave it alone or think a little harder before making them feel like shit for disliking it.

Thoughts

The thing is is that I know for a fact that I've been damaged for a while. I've needed some repairs for quite some time. I know this. I've known it. But there's never time, you know? There's never time and when there's time there's never motivation, and when there's motivation something comes along and takes it so I sit there thinking why'd I even try, you know? I mean, why should I keep trying if I keep getting beat down? Every time I get my head above water, something, someone, always pushes my head back underneath the surface. So I'm flailing around down there trying to swim back up and meanwhile I'm thinking "Goddamn it why wont I just fucking drown?" 

So something's keeping me alive. Beats me. Maybe it's my mom praying or God or just because I'm not ready. Maybe I'm a pansy who can't make up her mind. "Well do you want to live, Alyssa?" Fuck, don't ask me, I don't know. I mean I must want to live a bit more now, because I used to think about killing myself in various ways at least twenty times every day and I think it's gone down to 1 or 2 times a week. Thats a good thing, I mean, a sane person would say it was.

Morgan

I need someone dependable. I can't save the both of us. You're going to have to do some of this on your own. 

Cope

You are a robber, stealing things just to get by
but you know how thieves make me feel;
they make me want to cry.
When I was five, a bandaid made things feel alright.
I'd be scared to talk, but with my mom by my side
I wouldn't feel so shy
things were simple when I was young
there were no expectations of me
nothing to get wrong
and I feel so awkward now
trying so hard to get it right
and not much figured out, and
bandaids don't fix anything
the blood will still bleed through
I can't hold my mother's hand
every time I'm feeling blue.
You've stopped stealing to get by
you've found a job
you're still not happy, though,
I caught you last night when you sobbed
on the back porch
burned your cigarette out in the snow,
you never knew I watched
or that I know,
Oh I know,
life is so hard and we don't get what we want even though we try so hard
sometimes, it doesn't seem fair,
our goals seem so far away
and I know you're scared on how to get there
my mom thinks I'll get there,
but I haven't much faith in myself
most the time I've been alive
I've been wishing I was someone else...
bandaids don't fix anything,
the blood will still bleed through,
I can't hold my mother's hand
every time I'm feeling blue
She's so far away, too
I feel like the world is ending
everything's falling apart
I'll figure this out eventually
but right now I've no thoughts on what to do
it's hard to take my medicine when I fantasize on downing the whole bottle
falling asleep in my dorm bed, thinking about tomorrow....
Figure it out
figure it out
guessing games all end the same they hurt so fucking bad
I'm tired of constantly having to cope, not knowing what's ahead.
I think back to the other week,
you'd said that was your last cigarette,
you're smoking on the porch again,
you got a bit too sad,
you're trying.....

Map (?)

Why do I feel so disconnected from people, but they intrigue me so much? I'm constantly observing others, but at the same time, I feel like I'm not there, or if I am, they don't want me to be. That could be entirely untrue, but it's how I feel and how I've felt for ages. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel normal around people again... I can't remember a time I did, honestly. I've always been an outsider. it's just what happened, I don't know. If I really wanted to I could probably find the root of the problem but I don't think I could handle it. I know it has to do with the period between second through fourth grade because oddly enough, those are the times I started to realize I was different.... I've gotta map this out.

Pick

Maybe my picking at my cuticles is my own way of self harm? It hurts in the best way, it kinda feels soothing. I like the feeling of ripping the skin, feeling it rip from deep layers of flesh, sometimes even hearing the noise of the tear. It's thrilling, but it hurts afterwards, and I have to cover my fingers up with bandaids when they bleed and ooze plasma, and I can't paint my nails. I'm ashamed that I pick at my cuticles until they bleed and throb with pain but I can't stop. Why not? 

Morgan

I wanna just be friends

You wanna hold my hand

You wanna be together

But thats not in the plans

I think you're really sweet

You're fun to hang out with

But unfortunately

My heart's in someone else's grip

Sarah

Do you not trust me alone with him or something?
He's yours, kid.
Cool it.

Josh

Why do you feel like all friendships should be perfect?

Are You Doing It For You?

take a moment to stop and think and not jump to conclusions

you know i love you so but I think that you’re losing it

you’re overthinking everything and not the right things;

making yourself so miserable, so I sing

and every second of every day you’re thinking what will you do

you’ve got a lollly jolly circle of friends but they make you want to drink your blues

I’ll be a hypocrite for a second, Imma tell you that I think that you need to think

‘cause lord knows I never think to myself:

oh should I ask for help?

I can’t do this thing alone, I’m taking this out on myself.

I can’t bear to sing the song

because everything is melting it seems 

and unraveling it’s tearing apart at the seams

so I say, i gotta do this thing for me

I gotta do this thing for me

I see that you’re struggling again and it seems like you need a friend

you’re getting so caught up in yourself that you can’t let anybody in

I understand that you can’t stand all the drama when you're living as the good in the man

because everybody comes to you like you know what to do

but I know sometimes you don’t

and I know that that’s okay

you’re still doing your best

and that’s alright with me

oh should I ask for help?

I can’t do this thing alone, I’m taking this out on myself.

I can’t bear to sing the song

because everything is melting it seems 

and unraveling it’s tearing apart at the seams

so I say, i gotta do this thing for me

I gotta do this thing for me

Josh

It's the way your hugs make me short of breath; Makes my heart pound. It's how in the sunlight your eyes are brown like honey, dripping down honeysuckle on a hot day; It's how they pull me in like magnets, I can't get away. It's the way you dry my tears when I cry and remind me I'm worthwhile. It's how no matter who it is you find a way to make them smile. It's how kind you are to everyone around you, constantly thriving to be a good person despite the odds. It's your warm smile and open heart, how intuitive you are, noticing everything, even the little things. It's how you get me, and you don't think I'm a freak or weird or too fucked up to be friends with. You accept me for me. You're so open minded and understanding, it makes my heart hurt that I can't have you, but nevertheless, that is why. That is why it's you. 

New Situations

I'm finally out of room 1111. It's amazing, honestly. I was prepared to spend the rest of the school year there, entirely miserable, probably driven crazy by the end of the semester, maybe even the end of next week. This morning especially was terrible with her. I'll never understand how some people can be so rude, impolite and mean for no reason whatsoever. Whatever. I'm glad I'm out of there, but I'm still stressed out. I think I'm going to report her to DPS. Nobody deserves to live with a monster like her. People like her don't deserve anything in life in my opinion.

Anyway, my roommate in 1627 is pretty cool. She's kinda short, average weight, and asian (not sure what heritage although I wish I knew). She's really nice and polite. I really like her, but there's a catch: She's moving out in three days :(

The one time I get a good roommate, I only get 3 days with her, grrr :"( Makes me sad.

Then again I get my own room for a while so that's pretty cool I guess. Plus once she leaves I can take her side of the room which means... drumroll..... I FINALLY GET THE WINDOW BED! :D

Astronomy

Today in astronomy lab I went to the roof of the science building at my school (Neckers), and everyone in the class looked through the telescope at Saturn, which from Earth, looked so tiny and precious; Like I could hold it in my hand. I charted it's prescence and it's moon's, and then for fun, we were able to look at the moon as well, and since the moon is much closer than Saturn (much, much closer), I could see every little crater on the surface. I felt like I could have seen an alien if I looked hard enough.

After all that, I couldn't help but look at the sky and wonder if I'm really all that's out there. There's gotta be more.

I'd never felt so much like a figurine in a snow globe in my entire life.

Drunk Kid Catholic

It's not that I'm impatient, it's that I've been patient for too long. This is all I've ever known. I can't let myself start to believe that this is what I deserve, and that's what's going to happen if I stay. I have to go. I just have to. I love you so much. I'd die for you, you know that? You're so bright. 

I can't watch you be with her. It hurts too much. It hurts that you don't love me the way I love you, but honestly, seeing you with her hurts more than it all. It's not me. It's never me. 

I could sob right now. There's a boulder on my back and a glacier on my chest, and somehow I haven't been crushed by them yet but I wish it would just finish me off. It would be better than sticking around to see this. It would be better than lying through my teeth every time I say I'm okay. It would be better than smiling at you like I have a painful secret and not like a smile should be. It would be better than tip toeing around campus because if I see you my heart will flutter and I'll have that sharp pain in my chest taunting me saying "He doesn't love you and he never will".

Oh my God i just wish you were mine

I just want to hold you close

but you'd say no in a second if it were proposed

I'd say I wish I never met you

but without you what would I do?

I believe I'd have died in the shower last year

if I hadn't pinky promised you otherwise

but this semester, nothing's the same.

Now, I can't look you in the eyes.

Why do you have to be such a bitch to everybody? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? You act like a robot; no feelings, no emotions. You piss me off more than almost anything. Speak up about whatever's bothering you or stop acting like a pissy bitch every 5 seconds. Nobody wants to deal with that.

Meg, Nathan, Josh, Sarah, Chris, Ryan

I'm thinking about leaving SIUC. There's so much that I've been going through, and I think that the lst event just made the tower fall.

1. I hate love triangles
2. There's nowhere to run but counseling, and I shouldn't feel like I need counseling over something like this
3. There is no escape (but to leave)

I feel like if I stay I'm just going to make things harder for all of us as a friend group honestly. Especially when there's so much that I cannot say. I'm tired of having secrets like these. They're draining as ever.

Just because I'm sad doesn't mean I want to kill myself

Just because I want to kill myself doesn't mean I'm sad. 

I've been on both ends.

I've been all over the damn place

Sometimes I can't feel anything
sometimes I feel way too fucking much.

Priorities?

1. School
2. Financial Stability
3. Happiness
4. Family
5. Friends
6. Health
7. Hobbies

I said we weren't going to work out,
but I never said I didn't still want you.

Josh

There's so much that I haven't said.
You know the base of how I feel:
I don't want this to happen.
Break up with Brianna, sure, do that.
It's honestly what's been needing to happen for a while
but dating Sarah, I don't know.
You know how I feel about her.
You probably know how everyone else feels about her (and if you don't, come on, it's obvious)

I honestly just want to know why,
and not "There's just something about her",
but actually why.
Another thing;
Haven't you noticed she basically only cares about you?
She's only really ever cared about you
She hated Robert, and she'd desert Nathan, Meg, Chris, Ryan and I in half a second if she had the chance to, or should I say,
if you didn't care.
Also, how long do you think that this is going to last?
I honestly wonder how long it'll take before you realize how mean she actually is.
How can you like someone that much
if you know how she's made everyone else feel in the past?
How can you put all that aside
not think about it,
and just pursue her anyway?
I don't know.
I want you to be happy, Josh,
but I hope this doesn't last long.
I'm not saying that to be a bitch,
I'm saying that because I think it's dumb.
I think it's dumb that you're giving her a chance.
I think it's dumb why you haven't questioned why she's so mean to everyone but you.
But most of all, I think it's dumb that you like her. That you ever liked her.
Especially after last year.
You'll figure it out, though.
I already have.

Whenever you're mad at your mom again

"Don't ever forget that I love you and I would die protecting you. I would never intentionally hurt you. You are my heart. 

Unfortunately, I am human and with that comes imperfections.

I will always love you, today, tomorrow and until I take my last breath on earth"

It makes sense now.
But still, I'll never understand why it's her.

Eric

They say don't look back but I still can't shake the grasp your gaze had on me, and I can't forget our late night conversations because my mind wont let me. This is not a romantic poem. This is a confession of lust; how I want you wrapped around me. I want to  hear every moan; feel every thrust. You've been burning a hole into my chest since the last time I saw you. As much as I'd like to forget, I still want you. You're everywhere.

Sarah

Why can't you let things go? Let me be me. I shouldn't even still have to blog about this. I shouldn't have to feel like this. I shouldn't. I shouldn't.

Today is a great day and I suppose if I want it to be magnificent it has the potential to be, and I do.

Nathan

Please let me in.
It's not 'nothing', and you know it.
Why are you hiding from me?
I hope you know that you
can trust me enough to tell me what you need to.
I'm past the point in my life
where I blame myself for things,
(mostly),
So I know it isn't me,
but you can go from being perfectly fine
to being pissed, snappy, and unsatisfied
and I don't know what has made you this way.

If there's something, anything I can do,
let me know.

Oh

I'm back in Carbondale but the person I've missed the most I can't even see. I feel in place but not right. What is wrong? Can I afford this and is it a good idea? I love Muse. His eyes still burn me when they're locked on to me. It hurts so magnificently. Why why why? And I still have feelings for Eric. He's the light that never went out... Do I deserve a light? Neither of them want me. I love this. What great agony. Tease me and fuck me up. I'm buzzed and sad and I feel stupid. I hated my childhood but I wish I could be eight again. I want to play in Benton park and feel the clean breeze in my hair. I want Marie to play with Ethan and I and help me cross the monkey bars. I want one of the good days when dad was in a good mood and mom wasn't scared of him. I want one of those days one more time because I swear to God there are sobs clawing out of me and thinking of that dumb playground I used to love is the only thing chaining them down to the deep of my chest. I cannot breathe for I am overcome with the feeling that then wasn't as bad as I thought, but it was, and moving forward is the key but it's so damn hard. I'm trying so hard, I promise. And i'll try to be okay, but no promises. I'm going to sleep now. 

Eric

woah

Muse

when the fuck wont i have feelings for you?
it's like your eyes see right through me
what do you think of me
what am i to you exactly i want to know
please don't mess with my head

Tie dye cat shirt lady

An older lady walked into Pier 1 the other day wearing a white tee shirt featuring a tie dye print cat. Moments later, she was walking around the store with one of our big fluffy pillows, the kind that I've honestly wanted for quite some time. When I talked to her about it she mentioned that it reminded her of a security blanket, which surprised me. If she knew about secutiry blankets, that must mean she was an anxious individual. Sometimes I forget that older people have anxiety and depression too. I suggested one of our twinking spheres to her and she ended up getting one of those too. I don't know why, but that lady's been in my head all day. I hope she's okay.

Eric

Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want me. I'll fuck off forever. Until then, I'm gonna keep trying, and there's nothing but that you can say or do to make me say otherwise.

Airplanes

It's been storming off and on all day, which has been nice.
It's dark outside and I keep seeing planes take off, the light flickering through the open blinde shades covering my window. And another one! You know, I bet they all got delayed from the storm, and now they're all taking off now. That's a bit funny to me honestly. Still, I wonder where they're going. I wish I could get away.

Dad

I'm mad at you.

hey i'm a little drunk and i can't stop thinking about friday because i really fuckng want to kiss you but i don't think that's what you want anymore and i don't know if you want me. no matter how much i want you to want me you probably still wont so maybe i'll just give up. you say i deserve better but i think you're the better that i deserve. i can't convince you though. please just kiss me. feel me up

I saw the face of the fucked up person that raped one of my best friends today.

I am disgusted.

NOBODY THINKS I CAN FUCKING HANDLE MYSELF THAT'S WHAT BOTHERS ME THE FUCKING MOST.

A text to Eric after he asked if I'd ever thought of anyone sexually

You probably wont like hearing this but honestly, mostly girls. I think about kissing them on the lips, neck, collarbones. I think about where to put my hands, run them through her hair, or run them somewhere else. I think about the sweet spot that makes her back arch, her thighs tremble. I think about teasing them with my fingertips and tongue; making them beg, making them cum. Hard. I think about their breasts and soft tummies, fluttering hearts. I think about their little satisfied whimpers and massive pleasured moans. 

Eric... Boys in generL?

I HATE SEX. It grosses me out. Thinking about being penetrated by a penis or eating a girl out makes me wanna barf! I don't know why, it just bothers me. 

FUCKING STAB ME IN THE CHEST.

WHAT IF THIS IS A MISTAKE?
WHAT IF I GET TIRED OF YOU?
WHAT IF I GET TIRED OF ME?
IT'S NOT FAIR FOR ME TO DO THIS TO YOU OH MY GOD
I'M DOING IT AGAIN
I'M RUINING IT AGAIN

Eric

The thing is, is that this whole thing hit me like a freight train and I don't know if I'm going to get back up from this one. I thought about you all day today, so much in fact that it stopped me from performing my best at work. I shouldn't be thinking about you the way I have been, though. I shouldn't be thinking about kissing you, not even hard and lustful but soft and sweet. I haven't felt desire like this in years, Eric. I don't know what to do with this feeling. You say you're not good for me and you try to pull away, but you're still a light. You're the light that never went out, and I love that. It's comforting. I want more of it. I want more of you. 

Eric

Is it okay for me to let myself have feelings for you again? My mind is telling me absolutely not, but my heart's saying something else. Cliché, I know. I guess me breaking up with you was a mistake. Yes, I admit it. I wish I knew Junior year of high school what I know now, Eric. I really do, because then I wouldn't have broke it off so suddenly, especially how I did it (sorry for breaking up with you over the phone. Bitch move, dude. Seriously sorry about that). Ugh. Plus would telling you this even make a difference? For all I know, you could have moved on... Ugh I should just stop. Keeo moving forward... Keep moving forward...

Mom.

It pisses me off that you remind me to clean the bathroom on days when you know that I have to work literally all fucking day

it pisses me off that we don't have any money and i have to work day and night just so that I can have money to spend for myself

it pisses me off that whenever i try to make pans with somebody it's such a huge deal to you and you have to know everything that's going on before you can just let me go do it.

I'm eighteen, you know? Sometimes I just with that I had a little more control over my life versus feeling like I'm fifteen all the time, having to ak permission to do just about everything.

.......Indie

i don't know how else to say it
i want you
i want to feel you up
and dress you down
and braid your hair while you fall asleep
I feel like I could be normal with you
being with you is like
a phone being plugged into an outlet
when it's on 1%
I just feel better and better and
better.

Josh

I told my step dad about you. I was talking about all my friends (friends from home and school) and when you came up it was abnormally hard to stop talking about you.

I'd tell you this myself but I feel awkward when I display strong emotions wither positive or negative, you know this already.

I love you and I miss you, and I can't wait until August 22nd.
My arms miss being around you.

Ignore that.

Teresa

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FUCKING LEAVE HIM. FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN, AND FOR YOUR SAKE, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. IF ARIKA GETS FUCKED UP FOR LIVING WITH A FUCKED UP FATHER AND DEALING WITH HIM LIKE I HAD TO MY WHOLE LIFE I HONESTLY MAY NEVER FORGIVE YOU. ABUSE IS UNACCEPTABLE. ABUSERS GET THEIR POWER FROM PEOPLE WHO ARE WEAK AND STAY WITH THEM THROUGH THE ABUSE. YOU. HAVE. TO. LEAVE.

Vanessa

The thing that pisses me off the most is that you're not fat. You're not. You're not even overweight. You're at a healthy weight for your height. Your shirt today was nearly skin tight and literally you make it sound as if you're morbidly obese when you're fine. You're fine. Nothing is wrong with you. On top of that, you tell me you have an eating disorder, constantly bitch about your weight, constantly make fun of yourself and bring yourself down, and instead of working out or eating right you stuff your face in the middle of the night. Do you really think that will help you? I don't know, I've never had an issue with overeating so I don't understand, but you're not really making it easy for my to understand so I can help you. You wont even fucking let me in. Sometimes I'm glad you aren't. One less thing for me to worry about.

I'm tired of worrying about you and getting shit responses in return.

Wisdom Tooth

I got one of my wisdom teeth taken out two days ago. It was terrifying. I cried the whole time, ugh. So embarrassing ><"

I kept thinking of my counselor telling me to calm down the whole time, and that helped. I remember in one of our sessions we talked about my fear of dentists and doctors. The fear hasn't really gone away but I understand it more now. I think it's because I was around them so much as a kid. There was always something wrong with me so it seems.

Anyway so I had my first real meal (a meal that wasn't jello or yogurt) today and ugh I missed real food so much. It was a chilli dog and fries. Yummy ^_^ My gums hurt a little from it but it was worth it.

Also I feel really happy about having a step dad. I feel more normal. I don't have to tell everyone about my weirdo dad because now I can just mention my awesome step dad!

I'm nervous about paying for the rest of college. My mom wants me to find a scholarship but I don't really think they work. I feel like it's all fake. Idk. I feel like scholarships are a lot like the lottery. One in a million, and with my luck, never. However I guess I'll try. Mostly because I fucking hate it when she brings up me not ever applying for them.

So yeah that's everything that's been happening lately. d:

Mom

It really hurts that you're seeing how hard all of this is on me and you're still upset at me. I can't help the fact that big situations like this make me anxious. They make my energy run away faster than lightning. They make me feel worthless, and now you're not looking at me and you're giving me the same look that anxiety would give me if it were a human and not already living inside of my mind. I wish you could understand how painful this is for me.

Work

Yesterday I closed the store again with Darrah (Thursday I closed with Mary). It was a lot breezier because I didn't have to stay until 9:45 with her, which was nice. Work in general yesterday was really great because Savannah and Darrah were there and they're actually my two favorite people at pier 1 just about. Mandy was one, but something happened and now she's not working there anymore. I wonder what happened...

Working at Pier 1 gives me this work high that I can't get from anywhere else. Selling things is so thrilling, I don't know what it is about it. I'm glad that I'm working. I appreciate money a lot more now.... I just wish that things weren't so difficult at home...

Basically I'm poor. My mom retired so now she's unemployed because she wants to get another job to make ends meet, and nobody's hired her. It's really bad. Ugh. I wish that things were better...

Kiss

You could kiss someone like you mean it

But if they don't mean it

It wont mean a thing.

Vanessa

Please stop projecting your emotions on to me.

When I come home from work, the last thing I need is to be guilt tripped.

I didn't say that Mom's stress was your fault.

I was explaining to you why she was so upset: the cooking, the cleaning, making the house look great, having to talk to people and yeah that makes her anxious too not just us.

And then you blew up on me because you thought I was trying to blame you????

I was explaining why she was so stressed out!

If you don't want to know the truth about something, don't fucking ask.

Get over yourself.

Vanessa

You may not know you're doing it but literally almost every time you talk to me or go into my room all you do is sit and sulk and feel sorry for yourself and then get mad at me when I don't have anything to say to you. Depression sucks, trust me, I know, but you can't come into my room and bring me down with you. I'm going to start calling you out on it. I'm not going to be quiet and let you keep doing this to me. I've got my own shit to worry about.

Sad poetry

I feel like dying
on the ground
I feel like dying
without a sound
No phone calls
no ambulance
Free as a bird
It was no accident.
It was a unanimous decision
between my mind and my heart.
Play the ambient music
that's what I want to hear
Whether I go to heaven
or stay down here.
Soft guitars and angel's harps
that's the music that begs me for
endeared emotions
Quieter thoughts
Death is serene, isn't it?

I don't get myself

Sure, I get attached to people easily, but honestly I grow bored of them even easier. I don't get it. It's like as soon as I have someone where I want them, I'm not interested, but a week ago I would have been all over it. It's as if every love interest in my life has a timer on the amount of attention I give them, but every time they show me they want me, it's shortened? But that doesn't make sense, wouldn't I want them to want me?

I don't know.

Vanessa

LITERALLY THE ONLY REASON YOU EVEN COME IN MY ROOM IS TO COMPLAIN, SELF HATE YOURSELF IN MY MIRROR AND EXPECT ME NOT TO SAY ANYTHING TO YOU. THIS IS MY FUCKING ROOM. ASK MOM FOR SOME TAPE FOR YOUR MIRROR, GROW UP, AND STOP BITCHING TO ME ABOUT YOUR STUPID PETTY PROBLEMS BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING CARE. IT'S NOT MY FUCKING ISSUE. TAKE IT TO SOMEONE WHO CARES.

Rot or Spend to Get Better?.

I wish life weren't so expensive.
It sucks that just the price of getting one of my teeth taken out
is enough to put my mom in a bad mood.
Why is it so expensive just to be healthy in this life?
It's sad.
It's so much cheaper to mentally and physically
rot away that it makes me think
maybe that's what's supposed to happen?
Maybe we're not supposed to fight sickness
aging,
hurting,
and mental vultures,

What do I know?

Kill me please

Shhh...
Let me kiss you gently.
I'll give you what you want,
I promise.
Let me hold you
so I can drop you.
I can't wait.
What's the highest your hopes have ever been?
Have you ever felt insignificant?
Do me a favor,
Reach down my throat and pull out my heart.
I don't need it anymore.
My anxiety pumps my blood at this point.
Thanks?

Dad

Maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Trying to push you away. Maybe I should just let it be, let what happens happen. I don't know. Ugh. Do you even know what you've done? Do you understand what you are? Has anybody ever bothered to tell you? I'm lost...

Indie (Olivia)

Why do you keep hanging out without me? I wish you knew how shitty it makes me feel when I text you and you say you're with Amy. You're almost always with her. I feel like you don't invite me anywhere unless she's going too. Is hanging out with me boring you? Are you trying to pull away? I don't get it. I get so paranoid about my friends leaving. I know you probably wouldn't get it, you'd think I were being stupid, but It's easy to feel abandoned when it's all you're used to from past friendships. I'llnack off if thats what you want, but just let me know. Ignorance isn't bliss for me, it's worse than knowing.

Eh

Kissed my dog on the forehead before bed.
I've been having paranoid thoughts
about something bad happening to her
being hit by a car
or getting cancer.
Vanessa wants to visit our father.
I don't have the energy to tell her what a bad idea that is.
I wonder if I'll take birthday money from him this year
I wonder if I can bear not seeing him,
and I hope I have the strength to not see him.

I'm stressed out.
I'm stressed out about paying back college loans,
and having a job during the school year since the GI Bill is ending soon.

I'm worried.
I'm worried about having transportation next semester
whenever I need groceries
I'm worried about my depression getting bad again
I'm worried about not having the same counselor if it does.

I'm irritated.
I'm irritated that my friends at college are so difficult.
I'm irritated that Amy only thinks Hayley's a bad person because of what Olivia's told her
I'm irritated she hasn't heard my side, or Hayley's side.
I'm irritated she thinks she has the right to judge her without even fucking knowing her
without going through what I went through with her
Without knowing her situation.
I'm irritated I have to go to college in the first place.
I fucking hate school.
I hate it.

I miss my counselor

I miss my friends at school,
but I'm also enjoying every single second I get away from them

I don't get to vent often anymore.

This is everything,
and if it's not I'll come back and write more.

I guess I haven't been feeling 100% for a while.
I miss the security.

Poor

I hate being poor. I'm tired of lunch meat sandwiches. I'm tired of stressing my mom out. I'm tired of going to the grocery store and my mom literally wincing at the price of a fucking pound of beef. I feel like more of a burden than a person. For Christ's sake, I'm literally going to have to pay for my own cell phone bill later this year. I just wish I had a choice. I wish there were options. I feel stuck. Fuck, I am stuck.

Something I Almost Did

I was watching the behind the scenes video for "Holding On To You", and when it got to the part with the noose and I saw how shaken up Tyler was from it it kinda shook me up too. I mean... that was almost me. I almost did that once upon a time... I could be dead... I don't know. I just had this sinking feeling when I saw it - much like guilt - at the fact that I... I mean I almost did that... I just...

My heart feels weird. I think I need to take a breather.

Vanessa

I've been dealing with you silently for a while now.
Keep pushing me and I'm not going to keep it to myself anymore.
I'm really fucking fed up with you.
Dealing with your goddamn 50 / 50 good days / bad days is really taking a toll on me.
Get over your fucking first world problems.
Do some self therapy.
Think through your questions thoroughly before you fucking ask me
Stop asking redundant ass questions. It's annoying as hell, Jesus fucking Christ.
Stop being so fucking selfish.
Grow up.
I didn't plan on spending my summer babysitting my depressed little sister
and dealing with your shitty attitudes and hormonal mood swings.
Literally most the time you open your mouth nowadays
My first thought is "shut the fuck up"
That's before you even speak.
That's how bad it is now.
I'm not afraid to ignore you.
I've ignored you for months at a time, remember those days?
Don't fucking test me.

Sex

What is it with guys and sex? You know, sometimes I wonder if there's any guys left on this earth that would wait until after marriage to have sex (that aren't Mormon). It blows to know that no matter how sweet a guy is, no matter how great I think they are, at the end of the day they're still guys. I'm more than a pair of breasts and a clitoris, but it seems like that's all guys really care about. I have a goddamn back story, I have a life. I have bones and a heart and a fucking soul. Maybe you should get to know that first before your head goes straight to boning me, you know?

Mason

At least I know now. It's not in the back of my head everytime I see you; talk to you. I'm disappointed but hey, it's the summer. I'm sure there'll be other guys...... *laugh*

Okay so there probably wont, but still. Either way, you rock. I'm glad I'm friends with you.

Stupid

Of course I'm being blackmailed. You don't flash someone on Omegle and expect to not be blackmailed. I'm such a dumbass.

Omegle

Omegle is toxic.

Lol.

I showed my boobs to someone on omegle today.

Lord help me.

Muse

I keep telling them I'm not in love with you anymore and I don't even believe that myself. I miss my stomach dropping when I see you smile. Checking my hair before class. You weren't just a crush. You gave me a reason to go to school. You gave me a reason to try. You told me not to give up. I haben't, by the way. Not on school, not on my life, not even on you.

Bisexual.

I started talking o this really cool girl I met on omegle, and it really got me thinking. Even though my mom knows I'm bisexual, I know for a fact she's not 100% okay with it. I know for a fact she'd cringe if I had a girlfriend, and she'd hurl if I gazed at her too long at the dinner table. She knows, but she doesn't understand. I don't think she ever will.

No matter what I do I always find a way to make everything worse when all I want is for it to get better. 

Dad

You emotionally and verbally abused me and my entire extended family.

You manipulated my younger sister -- your daughter -- into thinking she was unloved by her own mother.

Get help.

Thinking

My chest hurts because I miss my counselor and Moshi Moshi by Brand New is stuck in my head and my canker sore is giving me hell. I want to cry but I'm too exhausted to. I'm supposed to feel better now that I'm home. Why do I feel more lost and anxious here than I did at school?

Indie

It's okay if you like her more than me, but if you do, don't lie to me and say I'm your best friend. I can tell that slot's been replaced for you.

Mason

I had a dream that you called me and woke me up and we talked about foods that we wanted to be served at the Wedding Party. I could hear you scribbling on a memo pad through the phone.

I wish you'd call me.

Idk

Sorry okay?! I'm just trying to act like I don't care as much so that maybe you'll care more. I know your next question will he why do I feel like I need to do that? Well, so that I stay interesting, I guess. So I can see if you stay or not. I'm twisted. Sorry.

It's easier to push you away

Pilodinial Cyst Ruins Life: New York Times Newest Story

I'm nervous I guess. I mean I literally have a cyst on my ass. If that isn't the weirdest thing ever I don't know what is. Not to mention it totally makes me unfuckable, as laying on my back hurts like a bitch and I have a giant obnoxious unattractive bandaid right on top of the cyst, which is in a really obvious place..... between..... my.... BUTCHEEKS. HFKSDFKJHDASJKFKJDFKJSDAFJKSDHF.

I'm so pissed about it. Idk. It's not like I planned on having a sex fest over the summer but ugh like I even have to masturbate differently. It just really sucks. Plus I may have to get surgery over the summer to get rid of the sinus that the pilodinial cyst is growing from, and depending on how deep it is, the wound may take months to heal. There goes my whole summer. Not to mention, I'm not going to be able to go swimming at all. It's just a bummer. The more I think about the cyst the more it depresses me. Especially because I don't know if or when it'll ever go away, or if it'll come back, and how many times it'll come back. I don't know. It's also just really irritating that my skin is always deciding to do whatever the fuck it wants. Seriously like I'm always getting infections and scratching holes into my skin because of eczema and honestly I just wish I didn't have to go through all this bullshit. It's a different skin thing every half a year so it seems.

The worst thing is going to be pretending like I'm normal around other people. Trying not to wince when I accidentally lay on my back. Cringing when I sit on a chair and when getting up. It just really sucks.

So...

I think I had my first g spot orgasm! I feel proud, actually. It felt so different than a clitoral orgasm. Mmm..

Flashbacks

I still have flashbacks of the day my dad tried to kill my mom. I still freak out when someone screams "Get off of me". Ugh.

Hiking and Stuff

I went hiking yesterday. It was super fun, except Ryan was upset and I didn't know why. He was kinda a butt the whole time, but I didn't let it ruin my day. The trails we went on were so beautiful. It was scary because there were some cliffs, and none of them had railings. You had to really watch your footing in most areas. It was intense, but it was so much fun. I can't wait to go again.

Today, Sarah Josh and I went on a walk. We went to Trueblood for pizza first, but then we ended up walking to 'Blend'(a really nice cafe off campus), and then to the lake. I finally got to go to the 'usual spot'. It's really peaceful. We tried to go boating but Sarah didn't want to go, and they were done giving boats for the day, so we didn't go. Siu's campus is so pretty in spring. I had so much fun this weekend. ^_^

Tired

I honestly have been so unmotivated lately. All I can think about is how much I want to go home and how shitty this school is. Ugh. I have three more years of this. I just don't know if I can do it. And what if I don't even become a writer? What if my book is rejected? I don't want to be an english teacher or work for a magazine or a stupid newspaper. I just want to write books! Everything in life is so difficult. Sometimes I wonder what's the point of it all.

Dad

Fix yourself.

Mom

You're the strongest woman I know.

Arika

I can't tell you how sorry I am that you're seven years old right now, and you're stuck with my father for another eleven years. I wish I could help you, I wish there were some sort of manual I could give you to deal with our father, but honestly I still don't have him figured out. I probably never will.

My mom would always tell me that our dad loves us all, he just has a different way of showing it. I used to believe that with all my heart. I used to cling to that thought whenever I visited him, but I don't think I can anymore. I don't think I should be around him anymore. He's caused a lot of damage in my life. A lot of emotional scars that may never heal entirely or the right way. I shouldn't have to have a father who can't pick up his kids every other weekend like he's supposed to. I shouldn't have to stay up at night thinking and thinking and thinking about the time he nearly killed my mom. I shouldn't be pulling out my hair over trying to figure out why nothing I do is enough. Arika, one day, you'll realize that our dad is emotionally and verbally abusive, and after that, you'll realize that you don't need him, and he's probably going to never change. I just hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me. I don't know if our father loves us. I don't know if it's possible for him to love. I don't know if he ever did. I do know, that if he does, he has a shitty way of showing it, and he needs to get it right before I let myself back into his life. I wish I could see you, but if seeing you means seeing our father, I just can't.

Abusive people get their power from the people who they can sucker into staying with them.

I'm not going to let myself be a victim anymore.

Sometimes I Can Think Straight.

I'm a sensitive person, I know that. When I talked to you guys about meeting each other half way, I didn't mean it's just me who's going to try. You guys have to try too. It'll mean not being such sarcastic assholes all the time. It'll mean stop bringing up stuff that happened months ago, and when I tell you I'm upset about it don't use the excuse "It happened forever ago so why does it matter" because that be easily countered with "If it happened so long ago, why are you still fucking bringing it up?". I'm tired of the group being the way it is, but you guys have to put in the effort too. This isn't all on me.

Counselor

I think it's really cool that your favorite artist is Billy Joel and you like poetry. It's also nice that you have art and comics and stuff on your wall. Thanks for teaching me how to be a better person and to accept things when they should be and to change them if necessary. 

Josh

I had a dream you came downstairs to hang out with me and it was like old times and you smiled at me the way you used to and I was happy. 

Then I woke up.

JOSH

WOW YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY FUNNY, BECAUSE LAST SEMESTER, I TALKED TO YOU AND ROBERT ABOUT SARAH REPLACING ME AND YOU SAID IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN. YOU LAUGHED AND YOU SAID IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN, AND THAT'S SO FUNNY TO ME.

Elephants

"I'm in a hospital for elephants"
one of them told me,
pinching what wasn't there.
"What makes you say that?"
I asked the girl with long fair hair,
She said,
"Isn't it obvious?
My weight,
my body,
it's awful."
I said,
"Oh you sweet girl,
you've barely got a handful.
You're really skin and bones
I can tell you've purged by your jawline.
You're not going to get better
if you just sit here and whine"
"I'm in a hospital for elephants"
She told me once again.
I can't believe it's not obvious.
It's why I have no friends.

Friends

I feel like I'm holding my friends back. I feel like they'd be happier without me. Sometimes I wonder why I even exist.

Nick

It's scary because I haven't had a crush in so long, and everything is happening so fast. I think I really like you, but it's scary. I don't know how to feel. I have four weeks with you, and then the summer with Mason. I don't want to do something I'll regret.

Josh

I leave my comfort zone every day. Don't you fucking forget it.

I think about killing myself several times a day
It's almost always the same scenario
razor in the bathroom
falling asleep in a puddle of my own blood
Does this surprise you?
Here's another thing:
I an not an optimistic person.
I'm the definition of a pessimist,
but I use smiling as a defense mechanism
so people think I'm happy
so I seem more approachable.
90% of the time I'm smiling,
I'm not happy.
You should know that.
I'm not far from suicidal.
Sometimes I want to.
Sometimes.
But would it really be that hard
to push that sometimes into a most times?
Would you care if I did?
And before you defensively answer "Yes, of course!!!! Why would you even blah blah blah",
Just think about it.
No, really. Think harder.
When I'm with you I'm not really there.
You've been hanging out with this alternate version of me
this 2.0 Alyssa I made out of
expectations I once failed to get right
so many years ago
maybe even months ago
weeks ago
days ago.

I am still an eight year old girl who's afraid of her father.
I am this sad depressed
little girl that's stuck under a rock.
The rest of the world is about four years ahead
And my screams have turned into yells
and those into cries
and those into whispers.
I stopped entirely when I got here.
I've started to pretend that I'm not even hurt at all,
but the thing with that, is that everyone else is four years ahead,
and people keep passing me by.
And I wave with this rock on my legs,
flies buzzing around it,
picking at my dead flesh,
and I say:
Hey, how's it going?
and this rock,
this rock is everything I could never do right for my father
everything the kids in elementary school judged me for
it is my fear of loud noises because my dad would slam doors when he was mad
it's the quietness of my voice because when I would even laugh too loud around my father he'd yell at me and say "Shut the fuck up".
It's my fear of failing because I want good grades so maybe my dad would like me a little more.
It's to please everyone I don't have a chance with,
to seem more approachable.
I'm tired of this goddamn rock on my legs.
I'm tired of people seeing me hurt, but because I pretend to be okay, it just slips their fucking minds.
I'm so tired of this.
I am so tired.

Likeable

How do I know if I'm a likeable person? I'd like to think I am but how do I know for sure?

Elliott Smith

I've been a fan of Elliott Smith ever since I heard "Between the Bars" in the movie Stuck In Love last summer, and I'm just now finding out he's dead. It hurts. Considering he was stabbed twice, and his wife found him standing there with the knife in his chest, nobody ever really found out if it was a homicide or a suicide. I kinda feel like he killed himself. I don't know. When I look at pictures of him online, I can see it in his eyes...

Josh and Sarah

Thank you for understanding. It means a lot to me, honestly.

I don't always understand you two, but I'm glad I have you two around, okay?
Sometimes I just get so mad at the both of you that I forget how fortunate I am to have you two around in the first place.
I'm glad you're around.

Oh

I thought about killing myself in the shower again today.
It's weird because
that's when my best ideas come to me;
the ones I usually go with.
It was an alternate scenario of Meg, Nathan and I talking about our issues with Sarah and Josh,
And in this scenario, Josh walked in after overhearing what we said and yelled at me.
It was really bad.
And in the scenario, for some odd reason,
I had a razor on my night stand.
I took it to the bathroom and ran,
And in this scenario,
The bathroom locked from the inside (Oh my God I wish I wish I fucking wish)
And I locked both doors and cut,
and cut,
and cut.
And I bled out on the bathroom floor.
In the scenario, Nathan called my counselor, and he broke down the door when he got there,
but he was too late.
It may have been the hot water,
But it was comforting.
Watching the scenario from a bird's eye view,
watching me laying on the floor in my own blood...
It was comforting seeing me there,
but not there.

...

I hate being jealous. And it's like whenever I try to retreat from that feeling I just end up thinking about Mason, but then it's like that's not okay either bc he's  literally my future fucking step brother. What the fuck is wrong with me. I feel so fucked up. I feel like I should bring it up to Michael so I can hear his opinion. I mean I'm kinda paying him to listen to me bitch for forty five minutes so I might as well use it haha.... *sigh*

Josh...

WOW IT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU COULD JUST NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN?????? LIKE I APOLOGIZED A BUNCH OF TIMES AND BOUGHT YOU YOUR FAVORITE FUCKING ROOT BEER AND YOU'RE STILL MAD? OKAY COOL THANKS FOR REMINDING ME HOW MUCH OF A FUCK UP I AM AND THAT I CAN NEVER KEEP MY FRIENDS WITHOUT DOING SOMETHING STUPID BECAUSE I FUCKING SWEAR THAT'S HOW ALL MY FUCKING FRIENDSHIPS END. THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE DEPRESSION OR ANXIETY OR ANYTHING AND LITERALLY EVERY BAD THING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE REPLAYS OVER AND OVER BECAUSE MY CONSCIOUS MIXED WITH MY FUCKED UP ANXIETY AND THEY WONT LET ME FORGET ANYTHING. LITERALLY ANYTHING. SO THANKS, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

Josh

I care too much about you and it's an issue. I'm going to keep messing up and my best guess is that you're not going to keep letting me; you'll leave like everyone else. I can feel it.

Go Away

So I talked to a homeless guy today, because of course with me being me, I always try to talk to people, even people that I have no business talking to. So of course when this guy asked me for a fucking dollar for a hot dog, I stammered "Sorry, I don't have any money." And let me tell you, I honestly feel like the biggest sack of shit right now. Not to mention looking into the dude's eyes hurt because he had a face where you could tell he'd just seen too much shit that people aren't supposed to see. I don't know. Not to mention almost during our entire "Nature walk" nearly everyone was kinda being a little shit, like when I dropped my stuff off inside and had to use the bthroom by time I got back out, they weren't even waiting anymore, and I had to catch up to them. They seriously do that almost every time we do anything together. They even did it last time, which actually really pissed me off then too. Like seriously, what is it with them and waiting? I always wait for them! I just don't get it. And when Sarah was going to take a picture of me, Meg decided to fake hit me in the face (what the literal fuck?) And so I threw my ice cream at her, and Josh was really pissed about it because he actually bought it for me (I didn't have my wallet) And seriously are you going to get that mad about it so that..... God.... I'm honestly just so sick of my friends here and I'm sick of this school and I'm sick of this stupid fucking dorm. I wish I could teleport home along with all my shit and just fucking stay there.

Fuck

I've felt like dying all day. I feel so stressed out about school right now, it's killing me...

Basically, I have two D's in Geography and Math, and if it gets worse, I'll basically be failing two classes. That would put my GPA dangerously low, to the point I'm 99% sure they'd put me on academic probation. At that point, honestly I'd may as well have went to Lindenwood, as they'd have accepted me, only that I'd be on academic probation. I don't know. Just piling on reasons as to why I should have never went to college.

Nick

I don't really like to see my friends drunk. On top of that, seeing a love interest drunk is a little too much. At least not this early. I want to like you but staggering in here made me realize how young we both are and how we both make mistakes, but really, they're preventible. I coukd prevent ever seeing you drunk again by simply saying I don't want to see you anymore, but I do want to see you... I don't know. I'm too stressed out.

Nick

I just got back from my date and it was AMAZING!!!!!!

I even got my hair done today, and he really likes it ^_^ Makes me happy, haha.
Also, before the date we got to go to this really cool organic grocery store, and it had a bunch of cool stuff, even Amy's Organic Pizza! And the place we went to, Long branch Cafe, it was really amazing!!!!! I had their spinach Lasagna, and it was the best Lasagna EVER. I think I really like him... I don't know. I haven't actually had a crush on a guy in a while. I was nervous when we first went into the restaurant, but as time went by I just felt really comfortable and... happy. It would have helped if I weren't so stressed out about my grades the whole time, haha ^_^ "

Ps: He even let me drive his car! He taught me how to park :") He's amazing.

Nick

I think you're really cool, and I honestly like you a lot.
Please understand that if I don't date you right away, it's not for any other reason than
I'm scared of getting hurt.
I'm so scared that I'll get into a relationship with you and ruin everything
I don't know.
It's what I'm good at.
Overthinking until I scare them away.
Being paranoid to the point it's annoying
And you'd constantly have to deal with my depression and anxiety
there will be days I feel like scum and I'll need you to be there and tell me I'll be okay,
and there will be good days, and they'll be really good,
And then you'll end up thinking,
"Why can't she be like all the time?"
And when you leave I'll forgive you,
because that's just what I do.
I forgive even the people
that drag me through the dirt
and I hate it.....

I'm scared to be with you because of what I might do.
I just don't want you to get tired of me like a lot of other people have.

...

I don't get why she only opens up to you. It pisses me off so much. If there were something on my mind that I needed someone to know, I wouldn't have an issue telling her! Why doesn't she tell me anything but the basics? It's annoying! The reason I'm still so indifferent to her now is because most times I feel like she barely fucking cares about anyone but you. And you keep standing up for her... I don't know. Maybe I'm just jealous. It makes me so mad that you care about her so much. I wouldn't ever have the patience for someone so apathetic. Whatever.

Disability

I am disabled. I guess I have been all my life, whether it was my sensory decifiency enduced eating disorder, or my asthma, my anxiety, or my depression. I've never not been disabled, so I don't know why it's any surprise that I just came back from the disability center. The man there gave my papers for my counselor to sign. I feel so worthless. All I want is to feel okay, and no matter how hard I just can't. Will I ever be? 

Ryan

When you told me you'd attempted suicide three times my heart caught in my throat. I feel relieved knowing someone else understands my depression and anxiety, but I'm also scared because of how bad yours is. Please don't ever kill yourself. Everyone in your life is a light, okay? Right now you're in a tunnel. Without you, there's no tunnel to begin with. And all of your friends and families have tunnels just like you, so if you remove yourself from the web of tunnels, there's gonna be a giant hole and the lights in your tunnel will go out forever, and you'll make everyone elses tunnel that knows you just that much darker. You're one of the lights in my tunnel, Ryan. I need you to be okay. One day you're going to be a super amazing voice actor, and a kid's going to be watching some pixar movie in 2050 and say "I wish I could be like that guy". I promise you that it gets better. I know I don't have it as bad as you, but I know that suicide is something that's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, so is it really worth it? You wont eacape your problems by killing yourself, you'll just put them on all your friends and families' backs. I'm not guilt tripping you, it's only the truth. But I'm rambling now. Sorry. I just... don't do it, okay Ryan? Don't do it.

I'm waiting on my friend Nick to come to the Library, so I'm going to list things I don't like

And it has nothing to do with Nick, I actually like him a lot.

1. automatic toilets
2. automatic sinks
3. babies who just wont stop crying
4. writers block
5. not understanding math
6. not remembering important things
7. forgetting a writing utensil
8. the smell of food when I don't have money to buy food and I'm actually pretty hungry (right now)
9. Bad music
10. country music (kinda ties in with bad music)
11. falling for someone who doesn't like you back
12. low battery on my laptop
13. low battery on my phone
14. dead battery (laptop, phone, etc)
15. cockiness
16. when people put words into my mouth
17. people against feminism
18. Mathematics in general
19. School
20. feeling lonely
21. Being around too many people (crowds)
22. Panic attacks
23. my anxiety
24. depression
25. people who think stripes and poka-dots go together
26. People who wear one color of clothing at a time (full red outfit, full yellow outfit, etc)
27. Old people who dress like teenagers (a middle aged man just passed by me in a fucking hoodie. You're middle aged, dude. Accept it.)
28. when my friends move away
29. Songs that remind me of bad times but it's actually a really good song and I want to listen to it but I can't because of that one thing.
30. being talked about behind my back
31. walking through mud in shoes that I really really like
32. Reading a book or listening to a band, and then it goes mainstream and everybody else knows about it and all of a sudden you don't feel so cool for liking "underground artists" and you feel like everyone else and you feel the need to find something else nobody knows about so that people don't think you're boring. (or is that just me?)

Nova

I'm so proud of you.
I'm so happy you're finally doing something for yourself and choosing to do what you want to do and not what everybody else says you should do. I wish I were as brave as you, girl.

Bravo.

Guys

I'm sorry if I worried you today. I need to draw away from you guys. I'm in too deep. I care too much about you guys, and I know it's not going to work out, so I have to leave you guys before it's too late. My plan is to slowly creep out of your lives. I'll be fine. I feel unimportant at this point, and I feel like I don't matter. I know for a fact I care more about you guys than you care about me, because as mad as I am at a lot of you, I still stick around. I feel like it wouldn't matter if I left, honestly. Tell me, what do you all think of me? How do you see me? Sometimes when I'm with you guys, I feel like I'm not there. The worst part is that I don't know if it's you guys, or if it's my depression. I feel so out of it. I feel out of place at SIU in general, honestly. Sometimes I just want to disappear. Sometimes I feel the need to.

Nathan

You're dancing on thin ice with everyone in the initial group. That's not a good thing, dude. You're really fucking up, especially with Meg. Personally, I sorta have a bone to pick with the both of you, but it still hurts seeing Meg so upset about this. Please talk to her. Meg may be... hard to deal with at times, but she's your best friend. Don't think not being friends with her will make your life any easier. You should say sorry. Oh but wait... you don't do that...

Josh

Why do you like her so much?

Realized something

I was going through old pictures on my Tumblr and I found one I'd reblogged of a cute couple cuddling under a plaid sheet on top of lion king pillows, and I instantly got insanely jealous and looked all over Ebay and Amazon for vintage lion king pillow cases and plaid sheets for sale, but then I realized that that was their memory, I was just someone watching it in a picture on my blog, and I realized I was insanely late anyway, and that this moment happened ages ago, and even with the lion king pillows and the plaid covers, I couldn't imitate exactly how the couple felt. I couldn't look exactly like them. See the way they see. So I gave up that search, and started looking for new bedding elsewhere. Something floral. Princess pillows. Disney. For my own memory.

Nova

I had a dream that I ate you out, and you tasted like mangoes.

I didn't not enjoy it.

I'm confused.

Blocks

All the blocks seem to be falling together one by one. Michael and my Mom announced that they're getting married over the summer! I'm so ecstatic, I'm already thinking about how to plan the party (it's going to be a yard party) and what to wear (evil laugh). I can't believe my mom's going to be married again and I'm going to have a stepdad. I'm a bit in shock, honestly. That means I get to see Mason in a tux too (evil laugh again). I have a small crush on him, but it'll go away with time. Especially since in five months or so we'll be related (anxious laugh). I'm so excited, ahhh!!!! Also, today Vanessa, Mason, Amanda, my Mom, Michael and I went out to eat for Italian food in old town Saint Charles. It's really nice over there! And the food was delectable! It took a lot of work not to... display affection... for Mason. He's really attractive ><" He grinned at me when we pulled up to them in our car, and we pulled away to find a parking spot, and ugh I smiled back but ugh I swear to God he fucking glowed. I hope I get over this crush thing, and fast. I can't let a silly crush fuck up this thing with mom and Michael ><"

Trying to find my spark

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so depressed sometimes. I feel alone even when I'm with my friends, and I feel like I can't tell them because they wont know what to do or they'll feel bad or feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel so inadequate sometimes. I feel like my depression is trying to take over, and it's scaring me. I'm so anxious and scared all of the time, so much that I can't even enjoy every day things I used to enjoy without thinking too much about it. I especially feel like I'm growing farther and farther away from Josh. I feel like I'm watching myself disappear from everyone's life in a way. I feel like I'm not here even when I am. Am I going crazy? Maybe it's just me.

Decisions

I've decided that college is definitely more about growing up than it is about the work. The homework isn't the hard part. Dealing with people is the hard part. Learning about how you deal with situations alone is the hard part. I've learned more about human nature at college than I have about my major, and that's saying something. I'm glad I'm learning more about people, but it hurts sometimes. It hurts I'm learning it now, and sometimes it hurts to learn it at all. I want to be someone's number 1. Someone besides my mom and dad, you know? I want to be a guy or girl's number 1, and I want to be held and kissed and loved. I think I'm finally admitting what I've known for a while: I actually don't like being alone sometimes. I pretend to love being alone all the time when in reality, every once in a while I like being alone, but I need love just like everyone else does. I really want to be held. I want to feel it.

Sarah

I seriously don't appreciate you coming down and watching The Perks Of Being A Wallflower with us. Josh convinced me to try to talk to you and so I did. Literally all I texted you was "we need to talk" and you said "as fun as that sounds, I have no interest in talking to you right now, so let me be", and then  you take the time to come into my dorm to watch the movie with us? MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MIND. That's exactly why I told Josh I was done with you and I still fucking am. You're stuck in high school. I don't need high school drama in my life. I'm here to get an education, not put up with your wishy washy bullshit. 

Sarah

So what is it that you think I need to change, then? What makes me a hypocrite? Saying that I like the way I am and I shouldn't need to change my mannerisms? For not apologizing for my funny faces/ funny voice? I don't know what you want from me. Not to mention, like I said, if you were more honest and expressed your opinion more often, you wouldn't have blown up on me like you did. You're mad at me for trying to get everyone to say what they feel? How on earth does that make any sense? What is it that you're so afraid of saying out loud? Don't you trust the group enough? All I've done since day one of meeting everyone is that I've tried to be the best friend I can be to you all. I've tried to be honest and truthful. I care about all of you. It was mever my intention to lay down double standards, if that's what you think I'm doing. You pointing out the fact that "I never leave my bed"  and I'm "always on my phone and my 3ds" really hurt. It wasn't even called for, you just said that to hurt my feelings and you know it. Sarah, you don't see me every second of every day. Did it ever occur to you that most times you visit me you happen to walk in during my break times? I get all my homework done, and I study. Just because most times you see me I'm in bed doesn't mean I'm always in bed. I have severe anxiety, Sarah. You don't know me nearly well enough to judge me for why I am the way I am and why I do what I do. And considering I don't judge you on how you are, I think it was really mean of you to say that to me. Also for being on my phone a lot, I like my phone, okay? It's how I keep up with my friends at home and it's how I keep up with my mom and I like to play games on my phone, I just really like my phone. I had shitty phone after shitty phone throughout most my life, so when I got my iphone senior year of high school I was really addicted to it. I guess I still am. I don't think it's a bad thing, though, and if you're honestly that mad at me for being on my phone, I think you need to reevaluate how you think of me. And for my 3ds, that was really uncalled for. I only play my 3ds during my break. I don't even take it with me to class, it stays at my dorm at all times unless I'm going up to Josh's room to play pokemon with him or something, so you obviously only said that to hurt my feelings. It's not like all I ever do is play my 3ds, and you probably play yours as much as I play mine. Not to mention, you're the one who takes your 3ds with you to class just for thise stupid "play coins". Also if I wanted I could point out how you watch a lot of anime and you're too secretive for my liking, but I haven't, because I'm not going to be an asshole to you for just being you. It just so happens that, once again, most times you visit, I'm taking a break from homework or it's right after I got back from my classes, I shouldn't have to apologize for having leisure time and doing what I want to do every once in a while. I'm honestly really mad that I even have to explain my leisure time, but if it'll help you understand then I guess it's worth it. When I said I wasn't going to change I meant I'm still going to do my funny voices and funny faces, but I'm not going to fake and be someone I'm not just so you'll like me. I didn't mean I wouldn't make a conscious effort to not burden josh, or that I was going to stop visiting you, or whatever else was going through your head. I feel so drained from trying to make everything right and ending up making it worse. I feel as if at this point I fucked everything up to the point of no return, honestly. I pissed Josh offf, pissed you off, and Meg and Nathan aren't happy either. I'm sorry that I can't be a better friend for you, but I can't be who you want me to be. I'm not a hologram based off of your desires. I'm a human with enotions and feelings (that for the record, are shattered at this point), and I should be treated as such. If anything, I'm disappointed that it's come to this, but there's nothing I can do about it. 

So...

I came out to my mom today! She doesn't hate me, so that's a good thing, haha. I feel really relieved. I felt like there was a squid on my chest for years and now it's not there anymore. It feels amazing.

True

I'm not going to be sad about this anymore.

It's not something I can control. 

I should have known this was going to happen,

It would have been nice to have been emotionally ready, but I wasn't, so that's that.

I accept that there will eventually be two groups. I accept that this drift is natural.

Next time I'll try not to get so attatched.

I'll not spill as many deep thoughts and memories.

I'll be more mysterious.

Next time I'll be ready. 

I'm not going to let myself get hurt like this over any friend ever again.

I want to die

.

I miss you but you're just right there

I miss your smile although I see it everyday

I miss your old hair and I miss your eyes

I wish they'd come back to stay.

I miss being the one that was always there

I miss our old friendship a lot

But I'm trying really hard to fix up everything

I'm giving it all that I've got.

When I hang out around you

I feel like you're not there

I can't feel the sparks in your eyes when you look at me anymore;

They're saved for someone else.

I feel so broken around you now

I feel like I'm not enough

You said you don't have a favorite

But I'm calling your bluff.

Help!

Lately I've been pretty insecure about my figure. I have a really boyish figure and my tummy pokes a bit, and I really hate it. People always tell me I look so skinny and I don't have to worry about it and I feel like nobody really understands what I mean when I say I don't really like my figure. Also, when I vent about my figure they always say I could work out. Of course I already knew that. I'm not stupid, god damn. I hate it sometimes. I really do...

I've been feeling really conflicted about a lot of things lately. Not to mention I haven't taken my prozac in almost a week and everything feels weird. I've been really sensitive (but hiding it pretty well), and drowsy all the time. Today was actually the first time in ages that the coffee worked. I wish I could have a break from life itself. I'm tired of having to get up and see people. I'm even sick of my friends, is that weird? I feel like half of me wants to be drowned in hugs and attention but the other half wants me to be the only person on earth.

If anything, I really miss home. I miss my bed, and I miss not having to walk outside just for food. Maybe I'm being a big baby, but I just feel so overwhelmed by everything, and nobody really understands. The only person who's actually tried to understand is Josh, honestly. I'm also a bit tired of my friends here. They judge me over really stupid shit, and stuff that's none of their business. Every time I buy something they have a million things to say about it, it's as if they're all trying to be my parents, which really isn't their fucking job. They're also extremely nosy, and can't take a hint for the life of them. And heaven forbid there's ever something that comes up that I don't know as much about as them, it's all of a sudden the end of the fucking world. Obviously, the sky would fall if I didn't know about this actor, or that movie, etc. It's bullshit, honestly. The bitchiness really never ends with them... It just sucks.

There's also the fact that I've been having flashbacks nearly every ten minutes and they're tearing me apart. Flashbacks to things that have been done to me, flashbacks to shit I said to other people. I hate it. Especially the ones about my dad, which happen the most. Well, really flashbacks to my childhood with bullying and dealing with my dad. Those are the flashbacks that happen the most. I wish I could make it stop.

I'm so tired of it all, honestly. I wish I could fly away.

Tired

I wish you guys would take me seriously. I feel like a joke to you guys most of the time. Every little thing I do is humorous to you. Everytime I don't know something you guys know it's the end of the world. I'm really sick of it. 

Issues In The Past Month

I've gotten too close

I'm jealous because I'm not your favorite

I miss my mom

I want you to hug me and kiss me on the forehead and tell me I'll be okay.

I miss how things used to be

I feel shitty about school

I don't like school

I want to be more independent

I don't want anyone to judge me about my anxiety and depression

I want you to stop telling me to stop taking prozac because you've known me six months but depression's known me over six years and it knows I'm not strong enough yet.

Counseling

I finally gave in and saw a counselor. Today, I feel so much better. I talked to Sarah about it two days ago and I don't know it just sorta clicked when I was talking to her that I needed one. I mean, I knew I needed one for ages now, I just... didn't have the guts to admit it to myself and get help. As soon as I got to the guy's office I started crying. There was so much I'd been holding back from for ages, I don't know. Like the dams in my body broke and everything just sorta spilled out. I missed being able to cry in front of somebody in confidentiality. I don't know. I think seeing a counselor here will be really good for me. Plus, the guy that saw me was really great and really kind, and I hope I get him again when I go back.

Josh

Thank you for telling me how you feel. I've been through the worst with so many people that nowadays couldn't give two shits about me, and I've listened to them and I've been there and in the end they still left and I'm telling you right now you can always talk to me. You can be as brutally honest as you want. It'll only help me in the end, and if it'll help you too, please, fucking break me with the truth. I want you to be okay. Even if there's ever a time we're not friends, I need you to be okay because you fucking deserve to be. You're great, you're great you're great you're great you're great and I'll say it until it sinks in, until my throat is dry and I've emptied a bag of cough drops I'll say it because I love you. You're like an older brother to me, and I need you to be okay. And don't you dare sorry about me until the point it makes you sick ever again. No matter how shitty I feel, I pinky promised you. I'll keep that promise until I'm rotting away in a nursing home, or until I fall in a ditch or whatever ends my life. I'll keep that promise because I care about you and I love you and I need you to be okay. So please, be okay.

I just don't want to.
I want to be able to do it by myself.

Dad

All you know how to do is make people feel bad for existing.
I blame you for my flashbacks and for why I'm passive aggressive.
I grew up being afraid to stand up for myself because of you.
I needed you to be different.
I always preach about how much I hate those kids that blame their parents for turning them into who they are
But I'm so fucking mad at you.
I'm just so fucking mad.

Figuring Things Out

Things are turning out a little better this semester. Well... only  little better. I've worked out some stuff, like the fact that I may be transferring to SIUE next year because I'm not necessarily as happy at siuc as I'd like to be. However, I decided that if something really great opens up for me here, like an internship or a job or... a boyfriend, then I may actually stay. It all depends on what happens.

Tired

I'm tired.

I'm tired of my roommate. 

I'm tired of most my friends.

College is depressing.

Class makes me want to cry.

The walking makes me want to stab myself

I'm tired of school.

I'm tired of my friends

I'm tired of everything.

I want to be free.

I'm tired of being told what to do

What to write

What to do.

I'm tired of homework.

I'm tired of shitty teachers

I'm tired of mean people

Sarcastic remarks

Textbook prices.

I'm tired of small towns

Walmart runs in small car

Tension in a small room

I'm tired of coming back from class

Wanting to scream

Wanting to cry

Wanting to go home.

I'm tired of feeling there's no way out.

Tired of "mandatory"

Tired of echoing bathrooms

Not being able to cry in the shower

I hate it here.

I hate it all.

I'm tired of hating my life.

...

I'm angry at all of you. I'm angry you don't take me seriously. None of you do. That's why I like my friends at home more. At least they take me seriously. Sometimes i literally feel like you guys think my feelings are invalid. If you thought anything of them, you'd respect them and not laugh almost everytime I speak my mind. Sometimes I wish I had other friends so I could blow you guys off and make you feel bad. Make you wonder why I ditched you. Maybe then you'd treat me better. I don't know. Maybe not.

College

Winter break is over and once again I'm in my narrow bed in a hot dorm room drowning in my anxiety. Talking to my mom in the car on the way here helped. I realized I'm tired of school, and thats okay, but I have to make it through, because in the end it'll be worth it. 

Indie

The last thing I need is you telling me to let go of her because she needs me more than she fucking realizes it, alright? And it's okay that she needs me. Don't make this about you. I can handle my own problems. I love you, but I loved her first.

Nova

Why am I still putting up with you? Even I don't know, honestly. I want your friendship. I don't want your petty issues that you try so hard to inflate into everyone else's personal lives. I don't want your bitchy social media fits. I don't want your fake ghetto voice that you think you pull off well. I want Nova. The girl with braces and awkward hair that became my friend in middle school when nobody else would. Where the fuck is she?

Mom

I don't want to leave. Sometimes I feel like college is waste of time, but you deserve a smart daughter who graduates from college. You deserve a daughter you can brag about. Right now I'm not. I haven't been yet. Sometimes I feel like graduating college is the only way to do it.

M

Please don't turn into one of them.

I want to leave my body so it can stop reminding me of everything i can't do and everything I'm doing wrong.

M

And now, whenever my phone glows I hope it's you.

Tease

There are times I think I may be about to feel happy. I realize something small and a smile creeps on my face, but nine times out of ten, it's only the equivalent of when you try to light a cigar in the winter, and you think it's lit, but you still can't get a smooth drag. Oh, happiness. You're such a tease.

Meh

I'm so confused. I don't know how to feel. Why do I always end up liking the ones I can't have?

On anither subject, I met Michael's kids yesterday! Michael is my mom's boyfriend. He's really cool! And his kids are funny and we have a lot of similar interests. I'm excited to get to know them all a lot better! I hope.... I just hope everything works out this time...

Surreal

Is life even a real thing? I feel like I'm floating all the time honestly. Everyone else is real and I'm in the snow globe. I wonder who'll shake me up next?